I have no one in my life right now

It's been a very depressing couple of days for me. Some people here may have seen me talk about relationship communication issues recently. I have taken everyone's advice to heart, I will bring it up again with my partner of 8 years because it's still bothering me and deep down I know he's still not okay with what happened. He's away on a work trip and I'm waiting to talk to him in person this week.

But other than that, yeah it has been quite depressing for me. These recent events made me realise that my partner is the only person in my life I can trust / I can be comfortable with and the only one who keeps my depression at bay. I'm a very quiet and shy person, I have no friends so I have no one to reach out to. Right now I feel like my partner isn't too interested in talking to me online for some reason even though we've been talking all weekend. This is adding to the overall loneliness I already feel, there's basically no one in my life right now I can talk to.

I'm probably overthinking this, maybe maybe not. But right now it's been hard dealing with these things all by myself. I've been dealing with severe self esteem issues for a long time and I have zero confidence. I've also gained some weight over the years basically I let myself go, and my partner has always mentioned I'm no longer as attractive as I used to be, which I can accept and he says he still loves me, but I'm trying my best to work on myself. I haven't made a real close friend in years. All my childhood friends I was very close to I've drifted apart from them, they all have children now and I wouldn't want to bother them. Pretty sure they don't give a *** about me anymore either. Either way I can't talk to anyone I know about how I feel because they will just tell on me and they're all closer to my partner. Basically no one cares if I even exist. If I'm gone tomorrow no one will care.

I was doing just fine especially during the pandemic too, but recently all these personal issues have resurfaced and it's a realization that I have not been okay for years and I got so good at burying my problems as if they didn't exist. I'm forced to see an in-person therapist tomorrow because I have no one else to turn to, and it really sucks because it's so expensive and I don't have a lot of money. But yeah, I just wanted to get these things off my chest until then.