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Pixie13
788 M Little Steps
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts47 Forum upvotes40 Current upvotes40 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceMarch 14, 2016
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Sudden Loss & Not Sure I'm Coping
Grief & Loss / by Pixie13
Last post
 June 25th, 2024
...See more I have never been in a situation like this before- I am sorry if this is long. My partner and I rent a main floor apartment, our landlord lived in the entire top floor of the house. My partner lived here for 2 years before I moved in, he knew our landlord better- I would call them almost friends. I knew the landlord but it was more of an aquaintance type relationship. He was always very nice, he reminded me of a friendly lumberjack.  Last week he took his own life, in the apartment above us and he was there for 2 days before his father and police found him. He had been struggling his his mental health for years, but even more so for the past 9-ish months after his live-in girlfriend broke up with him. In the winter he was commited to a mental-health institution for 30 days (but talked his way out of it after 18 days), his Dad helped him re-do the apartment (he trashed it before- holes in walls, writing all over walls, a mess everywhere), and his Dad also helped him get a job to give him stability and structure. He seemed to be doing better....not back to his old self completely, but getting there. My partner would occasionally check in on him by text.  We were both home at the time he was discovered. Our street was blocked off with every type of emergency vehicle. Our walls/floors are thin...I heard his Dad find him. I was in a bit of shock for the rest of that day, my partner was as well- we stayed at a friends house that night. It did feel good to be home...but also different. Knowing that for the two days he was up there we were just living life, happy, care-free...we ate, we laughed, we threw carrots to the deer in the backyard...and all the while he was up there.  This weekend I was home while my partner was at work...it felt weird, silent. I felt like an intruder who doesn't belong. I've had constant free-floating anxiety ever since. On the one hand, home feels like home (warm, cozy, ours) but on the other hand it feels like a foreign place. Before, we always knew he was up there...he would come at a moments notice if we ever had any issues, he was an amazing musician and we used to always hear him playing piano or guitar and it was beautiful. I can't stop thinking about how while we are in our apartment, watching tv, etc, his place is sitting there empty and sad. We may have to move in the coming months...his Dad said we don't have to worry for the next few months but he has to figure out if he wants to keep the house or not. I love our apartment....but moving may be good as well, so we are not reminded of who he was at the beginning and the decline we watched until it ended. I, of course, am heartbroken for his family and friends.  I just feel...empty and anxious and I don't know how to ever feel 'normal' again in our home. I'm sad he's gone, I'm sad about the way he left, and all of the lives that have been affected by his passing. I feel selfish for how this is affecting me when I didn't know him as well as others. I hate this feeling of emptiness and anxiety-  I am not quite sure how to work through this, or if it will just linger here for as long as we live here (moving is possible, but not ideal at this time) If you made it this far, thank you for listening. At the very least it felt good to type all of this out.
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Anxiety about his bachelor party
Anxiety Support / by Pixie13
Last post
 February 10th, 2019
...See more I feel a bit silly even posting this but I can't seem to get it out of my head, so here I am. I have always had a bit of anxiety and tend to worry more then the average person about the people in my life that I care about most (In this case regarding my fiance). A small group of his friends are throwing him a surprise bachelor party on Feb 23rd, which really is great...I know he is going to love it, but I am worried that something bad will happen (like he wont get home safely or he will die by getting attacked or hit by a car or something) We live in the city so I know he will be coming home that night, but I have this huge fear of going to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night/morning and he isn't home. He is always very responsible when he goes out with friends, and I normally don't worry when he goes out but this time is different because this night is FOR him...so his friends will be buying him lots of pints and shots, and he will be quite drunk I'm sure...his friends love to party and he isn't quite as intense about it anymore as they are but I know in this situation he will drink more then he usually does. None of them live near us so I can't ask one of them to take him home. I don't want to worry like this...its 3 weeks away...its crazy for me to be THIS worried. I can't even go out with my friends that night to take my mind off of it because they are all busy. I just have this massive fear that he is going to die and I don't know how to relax...I can just picture sitting at home and worrying and trying to stay awake until he gets home (or if I do manage to go out with friends, I know I will spend the whole night worrying...and then I worry if i DO go out, and I get home and he isnt home that I will worry even more) and I cant even talk to him about it because the whole thing is a surprise.
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Fear of Dying Alone
Relationship Stress / by Pixie13
Last post
 February 13th, 2018
...See more I have been single for over 6 months now...this is the longest I have ever been single since I started dating (I am in my early 30's) I do really like some aspects of being single: I live in my own apartment for the first time ever, I've discovered who I am as an individual, I can do what I want when I want...but every once in awhile I get this anxiety-fuelled fear that I am going to end up dyign alone (Yes I have friends and family, but I am talking romantically) I know that I dont need a man to complete me, but I DO want one beside me as I go through life. I am shy but I am trying to put myself out there...I am trying the online dating thing which can be very depressing at times..talkign to someone, its going well and then all of a sudden they disappear. If I DO manage to meet them person, I am either not attracted to them, or it seems to go well at the time but sort of fizzles out before anything more happens. I know that means they clearly were not the right person for me...but I just feel like I am never going to find 'THAT' person....and I know I will not settle, so I wont date just anyone...for the first time ever I am being picky instead of jumping into a long term relationship with someone Im sort of happy with (but is an alcoholic, or has anger issues, etc etc) I just feel like any time I match with someone I think 'whats the point...its not going to work out in the end any way for one reason or another'....I do know that a negative outlook is not good but its so hard to remain positive when Im not getting anything positive (even temporary positive) out of it. I just feel like I am never going to find someone that I want to be with, who actually wants to be with me as well Also I know it may sound lame, but I REALLY miss having someone to cuddle with on the couch and such. I can't even find someone for that haha I just needed to get this out. Im feeling really down and defeated by it all today
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It's been almost 2 weeks
Relationship Stress / by Pixie13
Last post
 July 28th, 2017
...See more It's beel almost 2 weeks since my ex broke up with me- he told me he fell out of love with me and as much as he tried for months, couldnt get the love back. I am still in so much pain, feeling the same level of sadness. Being awake is torture because I cant stop thinking abou him, being asleep is torture because I dream about him. I have to text him today because I need him to write a letter to our landlord stating that he is aware I am moving out, so that they can take my name off of the lease. It will be hard for me to find a place to live if he doesnt do it (currently staying at my parents) I am so stressed and worried he wont do it...I asked him Tuesday to do it, he said he would look into it, and I havent heard anything since. He goes away for a week and a half tomorrow. I miss him so much...this is killing me. I feel like I will never be able to get over him :(
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The Pain is Unbearable
Relationship Stress / by Pixie13
Last post
 July 28th, 2017
...See more My boyfriend, who I lived with told me on Friday that he has fallen out of love with me. We had planned our future, things seemed so good- then over the past few months things seemed off. Friday he said he just couldn;t do it anymore, hes tried every day for 4 months to try to be IN love with me again like he used to be, but he just couldnt. He cried. I cried. then I left I am beyond heartbroken...the pain is unbearable. I could barely get out of bed over the weekend- unfortunately I have to be at work this week (I am sitting at my desk as I type) I miss him so so so much. I keep hoping he will tell me that it was all a mistake. I have had breakups before, but none of them have ever beent his painful. I cant imagine ever feeling normal or happy again I am afraid I am going to die alone, or settle for 'second best' because he truly was the kindest patient more caring man I have ever known. I just can't do it :(
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