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I need help

Trauma Support / by PrincessDove

August 7th, 2017

...See more Of course I cannot go into detail much as I do not want to trigger anybody and I'd prefer it myself anyways... so I am 16 years old and I have a lot of memories (though a good portion of them i always doubt happened, idk maybe out of fear) of my father doing and saying some.. some things to suggest some sort of sexual abuse/assault (i dont know the proper terms) happened. If all my memories are correct and true, that means he pretty much stopped when i was sometime between 7and 9 years old at least that I remember. But now, a month ago on my birthday (June 7th) my dad came over and we, just him and me, went to the store to get some. I was walking just slightly ahead and to the left of him, and he accidentally ran into me causing his hand and lower arm to.. well, touch my butt.. I thought okay well that was accidental but then he did it again... and again... and again... like 6 plus times. It just started to feel less and less like it wasnt meant in a bad way. At one point I looked over to him thinking maybe he was trying to get my attention but he was just looking straight ahead, and maybe it was just me but it seemed he had a slight amile on his face but I don' know... So with that recently happening, if my feelings are true that it was not accidental, then that leads me to a lot of questions. He no longer lives with me, my parents are divorced and he has his own girlfriend now. The two of them do not live in the same place but she has two kids, a six year old daughter and I think 4 year old son. And if my dad thought it was ok to do that.. if he is the same as he was back then... I am worried he could end up trying the same things with her someday. I'm really hoping my memories are false and my feelings are false... I thought maybe I could report him, don't even know really if that is a possibility or not but, im scared to... honestly the only reason I am consitering it is that girl. My dad hardly ever has just me and him alone, so I am not really threatened besides maybe innapropriate 'accidental' touching. But.. as much as I do not want to report out of fear (i am scared to death of him finding out and then him coming after me) I will feel so much worse if I find out somrthing happened to someone else and I could have prevented it... so guys I need opinions. My mother knows nothing. I sort of tried telling her when i was 4 but she didnt believe me and took my dads story, and she has told me multiple times "Ik your father is not nice but I dont think he could ever stoop that low" so i dont know if she would believe me if I tried... Ihave a friend whom knows something possibly happened a few times as a kid but she doesnt know he recently did something questionable... i could tell her, I know she will believe me, I'm just nervous that she will end upreporting it to police.. so what should I do?

My struggle (trigger warning)

Eating Disorder Support / by PrincessDove

June 2nd, 2017

...See more I know I should love myself for being me. Wether I am obese, skinny or average in weight. If I am tall, short or average in height. Yet I have issues. I am naturally on the skinny side even if I eat normal ammounts of food. But from certain events I went through which I will not discuss here, I began to push off food for as long as I could and blame it on "eating late snacks" or simply "not very hungry today" to avoid being around people. I did lose a little weight. My thighs naturally had a mostly complete gap and my ribs always have shown, but I noticed one day they seemed to be showing more. My hip bones also shown a little more. So curiously one day I looked at the scale and saw I lost weight. So every once in a while then on I'd check to see how much I lost. Pretty soon it became a positive thing to me. Losing weight came from starving which came from avoiding people, which made me happy. It kept me safe. So I turned losing weight to a priority. It continued for a ehile but I never got below (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific weight counts). Eventually one of the two people i wanted to avoid left, and I tried to change my eating habbits to be slightly healthier again since there was no need to starve. But that old programming I gave myself stuck. I wanted to be thinner. I started counting calories, weighing as often as I could without being caught, skipping meals, and now starting to try to do exercise in secret. I never eat over (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts) normally anyways, but im currently eating between (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts)on average per day. I know people should eat over (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts) but its so much food, even if I try to eat more I physically cannot. I now have meltdowns everytime I eat a meal over (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts) or above whatever goal I set for the day or for that meal. I dont want to gain anything, I want to lose. But I know I need to gain or at least keep steady and not lose, I know I am thin but... I dont feel thin enough. I feel fat. It almst feels normal, like I dont have an disorder. I dont want help though I probably need it. I dont think I will ever improve.

I need advice

Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by PrincessDove

November 28th, 2016

...See more First for thus to make more sense I need to explain my history. For fuller details you can look at my old posts titled My Self Harm Story and Unknown Past. If you do read them and or this post for that matter, please know they may contain triggering material. So... to sum it up fast if you don't feel like reading my previous posts, basically I had an abusive father and some might say abusive brother. Things there have gotten a little better but now I have a stepfamily that I don't like much. My stepbrother is okay, he's funny and nice, but I never see him he lives over half the country away. My stepsister is fun to be with though she can irritate me sometimes. But the main issue is my stepfather. So I can save time I won't go into why exactly but he has been kind of rude to my mom lately. well, he kind of always has been. And with everything that has happenes it mskes it hard for me to trust people and stuff...but anyways enough history. I need advice.. so with everything going on with my stepfather it has been making me stressed. on top of that my brother has been a bit rude to me and because I am hardly ever home alone, I cannot let my emotions out and just cry because either my brother or mother will hear me. That might not seem like a big deal but they will make fun of me. Well my mom might not but she doesn't need to worry about me, she has enough stress already and if we add me on she will not be able to handle it, trust me. So I thought maybe a good way to get my emotions out besides through text to this site is go out with a friend and talk to them about it privately. There's a few problems with that too though. One I won't be able to hang out with them until January, and 2 I don't want them to worry about me and tell their mom who will tell mine... my next idea to vent and try to get advice is a therapist... there is only one I trust, but we don't have the money for it and even if we did my therapist will be out of town for like 4 months. I have absolutely no one to talk to and no way to get my emotions out. I have done vent-drawing but I'm too big of an art critic to myself so in the end it just makes me more frustrated at my terrible artwork and doesn't help calm me much. I tried writing poems to get my feelings out but then I just read them over and over until I get very depressed. Music doesn't really help much anymore, it just makes me sad or angry or not feel anything. But I have to let out my emotions besides through text somehow or I will just build up until I cant take it and become extremely aggitated and take out my anger on innocent people, probably run away and if it gets bad enough I could end up dying. My only other idea was to simulate help by role-playing with someone and have my rp person just get hurt and rescued all the time to sort of get out my feelings that way, and then if I want to hurt myself fir example I could just have my rp person hurt themselves instead but... idk anyone who would be willing to do that. Especially since I started going into a childlike state when I'm in desperate last-resort-need of help and that means I basically talk little, giggle a lot play with toys, like binkis and cuddles etc.. so that person would have to deal with my rp character hardly ever being happy unless I go to the child state of mind and then I'll just be a child so... I'm hopeless. I have no idea anymore... and I would ask a friend about that idea but I'm too embarrassed to admit the child part, not even to my family. What would they think if they found out I turn into a child again, and quite often, ranging from 2 to 7 years old then back to my real age if 15? ugh I can't bare the thought.. I've had a few cutting urges so I'm making myself wear short nightgowns at night so I can't cut my thighs without being noyiced, which seems to be helping me avoid it. So I need any and all tips and ideas to help me release my feelings in a healthy way... thanks

Unknown past ****Trigger Warning*****

Trauma Support / by PrincessDove

November 27th, 2016

...See more This post is going to contain possible triggers for people and graphic explanations You have been warned. So before I get into details I first want to say if the paragraph has * infront of it that means I am not sure if this one really happened or if I dreamt it. I say this because a lot of these "memories" of such events came to me later and I haven't always remembered, I don't know honestly if they are real or not. What also gives me doubt that my father really was sexually assaulting me in any way is that no one else has complained about it and although he never was a nice guy, I don't think, none of us do, that he would go so low as to do that.Also before I continue no, I am not in harms way right now. :) In this memory I know happened, I am about three.My mom gave me to my dad so he could watch me while she went off downstairs to do something. My dad was a little annoyed at first because he wanted to shower but now he is stuck with me. So he decides it's okay to shower anyways, and brings me into the bathroom with him. Now this might normally be okay if the curtain wasn't clear. but the shower has a glass sliding door and no curtain. so little me can see everything... I wasn't looking at him much though I was just bored and somehow accidentally turned on the hottub faucet. So he starts yelling at me to turn it off and I look to him as he tells me how, and he knows I am looking at him but he doesn't try to cover up or nothing. Soon my mom comes in hearing the yelling and she gets mad at my dad, takes me out saying I shouldn't have gone in, and goes back in to argue with my dad. Another many many times is often when he was home on weekends in the morning, he always asked me to sit in his lap and watch TV with him. Seems innocent so far. But quite often almost every time, I would feel like I accidentally sat on the remote, so I'd get up and look but nothing is there. so he would ask me "what are you doing?" and I would say "oh I thought I sat on the puncher." (That's what we used to call remotes because it was easier) He'd chuckle a little quietly, I'd say "what?" "Oh nothing.. here get back up a minute." And then he's go to the bathroom for a while, a bit longer than usual. *also having to do with that and this one didn't happen as much so that's why idk if it's true or imagination but, while I would sit on his lap sometimes he would have his hand over me... Sometimes on my leg or tummy, but sometimes I swear it was on uh my privates, and I don't know so much on this one but sometimes he would kinda pat me there or very gently "pet"... which when he did that if he did even in the first place, mom was either in the shower, shopping etc so not right there to see it. *I dunno about this one but it's more vivid like the one I know happened... so In this one I'm in the bathroom on the toilet and my dad is in there. He was... touching me down there,... and my mom knocks on the door. (Oh yeah forgot to mention I'm five now or maybe 4... idk honestly maybe older) So my dad quietly says to me trying not to be heard "don't say anything about this, got it?!" then says come in at a normal voice and said he was just helping me go to the bathroom and she seemed suspicious but left and my memory kind of stops there, but I think we stopped then so we wouldn't get caught. *I do know for fact my mom was out working late this one time (I think I am eight or nine maybe) and my dad offered to let me sleep with him. So I agreed. Now I am not sure if the rest is real.... so I start going to sleep and so does my dad or so I think.. and then I feel a hand.. down there... and wake up. "Shh, we can't wake your brother" He said, looking at my face as he touched me. and he continued touching me for a while and also what then I didn't know but now I know, he was touching himself too. I don't remember if I asked him to stop or not but I think I did but he said something like how he was close to... yeah.. and it ended after that. if I remember correctly in this memory or sick dream or whatever it is, I was crying a little quietly towards the end because to me he was being scary. What makes me not believe it is that the next morning when mom came home I don't remember remembering it. Something from the previous night and I just forget?! That's not like me, I have really good memory. Now lastly for big stories is actually about my brother. This one time he came up behind me and I was just wearing a nightgown so he easily reached his hand up under and touched me.. then quickly pulled back and I asked what the heck he was doing, and he replies "I didn't touch you there I was trying to tickle you" But two things.. one my thighs where you were trying to tickle according to you do not gave fabric covering them which you touched, that's my underwear, and second why go there? My sides, armpits etc are plenty ticklish and in more okay areas.... he was 15 I think when that happened. Okay so enough big stories but small tidbits. So what makes me kinda believe it? I had a drawing once the same week of the shower event, and I drew my dad with... manhood. I also was very sensitive down there as far as... ugh sorry for tmi.. but my "opening" because I was afraid of pain but also something going up in there... is that normal for a little girl to fear that and not know anything about sex? why did I sometimes still not having the birds and bees talk, sometimes at like 5 years old touch myself?.. idk So what do you guys think? opinions?

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