Unknown past ****Trigger Warning*****

This post is going to contain possible triggers for people and graphic explanations You have been warned.

So before I get into details I first want to say if the paragraph has * infront of it that means I am not sure if this one really happened or if I dreamt it. I say this because a lot of these "memories" of such events came to me later and I haven't always remembered, I don't know honestly if they are real or not. What also gives me doubt that my father really was sexually assaulting me in any way is that no one else has complained about it and although he never was a nice guy, I don't think, none of us do, that he would go so low as to do that.Also before I continue no, I am not in harms way right now. :)

In this memory I know happened, I am about three.My mom gave me to my dad so he could watch me while she went off downstairs to do something. My dad was a little annoyed at first because he wanted to shower but now he is stuck with me. So he decides it's okay to shower anyways, and brings me into the bathroom with him. Now this might normally be okay if the curtain wasn't clear. but the shower has a glass sliding door and no curtain. so little me can see everything... I wasn't looking at him much though I was just bored and somehow accidentally turned on the hottub faucet. So he starts yelling at me to turn it off and I look to him as he tells me how, and he knows I am looking at him but he doesn't try to cover up or nothing. Soon my mom comes in hearing the yelling and she gets mad at my dad, takes me out saying I shouldn't have gone in, and goes back in to argue with my dad.

Another many many times is often when he was home on weekends in the morning, he always asked me to sit in his lap and watch TV with him. Seems innocent so far. But quite often almost every time, I would feel like I accidentally sat on the remote, so I'd get up and look but nothing is there. so he would ask me "what are you doing?" and I would say "oh I thought I sat on the puncher." (That's what we used to call remotes because it was easier) He'd chuckle a little quietly, I'd say "what?" "Oh nothing.. here get back up a minute." And then he's go to the bathroom for a while, a bit longer than usual.

*also having to do with that and this one didn't happen as much so that's why idk if it's true or imagination but, while I would sit on his lap sometimes he would have his hand over me... Sometimes on my leg or tummy, but sometimes I swear it was on uh my privates, and I don't know so much on this one but sometimes he would kinda pat me there or very gently "pet"... which when he did that if he did even in the first place, mom was either in the shower, shopping etc so not right there to see it.

*I dunno about this one but it's more vivid like the one I know happened... so In this one I'm in the bathroom on the toilet and my dad is in there. He was... touching me down there,... and my mom knocks on the door. (Oh yeah forgot to mention I'm five now or maybe 4... idk honestly maybe older) So my dad quietly says to me trying not to be heard "don't say anything about this, got it?!" then says come in at a normal voice and said he was just helping me go to the bathroom and she seemed suspicious but left and my memory kind of stops there, but I think we stopped then so we wouldn't get caught.

*I do know for fact my mom was out working late this one time (I think I am eight or nine maybe) and my dad offered to let me sleep with him. So I agreed. Now I am not sure if the rest is real.... so I start going to sleep and so does my dad or so I think.. and then I feel a hand.. down there... and wake up. "Shh, we can't wake your brother" He said, looking at my face as he touched me. and he continued touching me for a while and also what then I didn't know but now I know, he was touching himself too. I don't remember if I asked him to stop or not but I think I did but he said something like how he was close to... yeah.. and it ended after that. if I remember correctly in this memory or sick dream or whatever it is, I was crying a little quietly towards the end because to me he was being scary. What makes me not believe it is that the next morning when mom came home I don't remember remembering it. Something from the previous night and I just forget?! That's not like me, I have really good memory.

Now lastly for big stories is actually about my brother. This one time he came up behind me and I was just wearing a nightgown so he easily reached his hand up under and touched me.. then quickly pulled back and I asked what the heck he was doing, and he replies "I didn't touch you there I was trying to tickle you" But two things.. one my thighs where you were trying to tickle according to you do not gave fabric covering them which you touched, that's my underwear, and second why go there? My sides, armpits etc are plenty ticklish and in more okay areas.... he was 15 I think when that happened.

Okay so enough big stories but small tidbits. So what makes me kinda believe it? I had a drawing once the same week of the shower event, and I drew my dad with... manhood. I also was very sensitive down there as far as... ugh sorry for tmi.. but my "opening" because I was afraid of pain but also something going up in there... is that normal for a little girl to fear that and not know anything about sex? why did I sometimes still not having the birds and bees talk, sometimes at like 5 years old touch myself?.. idk

So what do you guys think? opinions?