I need advice

First for thus to make more sense I need to explain my history. For fuller details you can look at my old posts titled My Self Harm Story and Unknown Past. If you do read them and or this post for that matter, please know they may contain triggering material.

So... to sum it up fast if you don't feel like reading my previous posts, basically I had an abusive father and some might say abusive brother. Things there have gotten a little better but now I have a stepfamily that I don't like much. My stepbrother is okay, he's funny and nice, but I never see him he lives over half the country away. My stepsister is fun to be with though she can irritate me sometimes. But the main issue is my stepfather. So I can save time I won't go into why exactly but he has been kind of rude to my mom lately. well, he kind of always has been. And with everything that has happenes it mskes it hard for me to trust people and stuff...but anyways enough history.

I need advice.. so with everything going on with my stepfather it has been making me stressed. on top of that my brother has been a bit rude to me and because I am hardly ever home alone, I cannot let my emotions out and just cry because either my brother or mother will hear me. That might not seem like a big deal but they will make fun of me. Well my mom might not but she doesn't need to worry about me, she has enough stress already and if we add me on she will not be able to handle it, trust me. So I thought maybe a good way to get my emotions out besides through text to this site is go out with a friend and talk to them about it privately. There's a few problems with that too though. One I won't be able to hang out with them until January, and 2 I don't want them to worry about me and tell their mom who will tell mine... my next idea to vent and try to get advice is a therapist... there is only one I trust, but we don't have the money for it and even if we did my therapist will be out of town for like 4 months. I have absolutely no one to talk to and no way to get my emotions out. I have done vent-drawing but I'm too big of an art critic to myself so in the end it just makes me more frustrated at my terrible artwork and doesn't help calm me much. I tried writing poems to get my feelings out but then I just read them over and over until I get very depressed. Music doesn't really help much anymore, it just makes me sad or angry or not feel anything. But I have to let out my emotions besides through text somehow or I will just build up until I cant take it and become extremely aggitated and take out my anger on innocent people, probably run away and if it gets bad enough I could end up dying. My only other idea was to simulate help by role-playing with someone and have my rp person just get hurt and rescued all the time to sort of get out my feelings that way, and then if I want to hurt myself fir example I could just have my rp person hurt themselves instead but... idk anyone who would be willing to do that. Especially since I started going into a childlike state when I'm in desperate last-resort-need of help and that means I basically talk little, giggle a lot play with toys, like binkis and cuddles etc.. so that person would have to deal with my rp character hardly ever being happy unless I go to the child state of mind and then I'll just be a child so... I'm hopeless. I have no idea anymore... and I would ask a friend about that idea but I'm too embarrassed to admit the child part, not even to my family. What would they think if they found out I turn into a child again, and quite often, ranging from 2 to 7 years old then back to my real age if 15? ugh I can't bare the thought.. I've had a few cutting urges so I'm making myself wear short nightgowns at night so I can't cut my thighs without being noyiced, which seems to be helping me avoid it.

So I need any and all tips and ideas to help me release my feelings in a healthy way... thanks