My struggle (trigger warning)
I know I should love myself for being me. Wether I am obese, skinny or average in weight. If I am tall, short or average in height. Yet I have issues. I am naturally on the skinny side even if I eat normal ammounts of food. But from certain events I went through which I will not discuss here, I began to push off food for as long as I could and blame it on "eating late snacks" or simply "not very hungry today" to avoid being around people. I did lose a little weight. My thighs naturally had a mostly complete gap and my ribs always have shown, but I noticed one day they seemed to be showing more. My hip bones also shown a little more. So curiously one day I looked at the scale and saw I lost weight. So every once in a while then on I'd check to see how much I lost. Pretty soon it became a positive thing to me. Losing weight came from starving which came from avoiding people, which made me happy. It kept me safe. So I turned losing weight to a priority. It continued for a ehile but I never got below (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific weight counts). Eventually one of the two people i wanted to avoid left, and I tried to change my eating habbits to be slightly healthier again since there was no need to starve. But that old programming I gave myself stuck. I wanted to be thinner. I started counting calories, weighing as often as I could without being caught, skipping meals, and now starting to try to do exercise in secret. I never eat over (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts) normally anyways, but im currently eating between (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts)on average per day. I know people should eat over (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts) but its so much food, even if I try to eat more I physically cannot. I now have meltdowns everytime I eat a meal over (Edited out by EssenceOfHope for sharing specific calorie counts) or above whatever goal I set for the day or for that meal. I dont want to gain anything, I want to lose. But I know I need to gain or at least keep steady and not lose, I know I am thin but... I dont feel thin enough. I feel fat. It almst feels normal, like I dont have an disorder. I dont want help though I probably need it. I dont think I will ever improve.
hey, @PrincessDove! I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulty with your eating habits and more. I can see that you are going through a difficult time. Yes, we "should" love our bodies just the way they are in an ideal world, but unfortunately, sometimes the negative voice of an eating disorder gets the best of us. I see certain events in your life made you develop this restrictive behaviour towards food. Your restrictive behaviour made you lose weight it seems, slowly losing weight begun to seem like a good thing even though you are aware that it is not healthy. Looks like you did try to practice healthier eating but you relapsed. Counting calories to the extreme can have a negative impact on our physical and mental health. You are describing quite a restrictive behaviour towards food and trying to lose weight, by all means, a kind of addiction, would you agree? I understand that you are struggling to eat the food your body needs. Although you may feel normal with these habits because they have become a routine for you. You are showing many symptoms of Restrictive Anorexia, What are your thoughts on seeing a professional regarding this? *hugs* 
P.S I edited your post to remove any specific weight and calorie counts as it can be triggering for many. Please take your time to read ur community guidelines given at the home page of ED Sub-community under "Eating Disorder Support Community Guidelines"
@EssenceOfHope Sorry about showing numbers, I should have realised how that might affect someone else when writing. I'll be more careful next time. :)
I have been consitering seeing someone about my disorder, I'm a bit scared to though at the same time for a few reasons.
@PrincessDove I could relate to you alot, everyday I count calories, keep a food diary, and have melt downs after every meal... Yet I find this ok as well...Your not alone! ( Wanted to say it but I don't wanna make it about me, I just had to say it..)
@Mynameisautumn I'm sorry you feel the same as me, but a the same time it is kind of nice to not feel so alone.