RashellLena24 Member Profile

Is always DAD

Family & Caregivers / by RashellLena24

July 28th

...See more I don't know how to deal with my father anymore. We were on the road heading home when he and my mother started arguing—he was the one who started it. Things began to escalate; at one point, my mother checked her phone because of a work message, and he lashed out at her for looking at it. She tried to calm him down, but everything just got worse; he started hitting the steering wheel and yelling at her—he had never been that violent before. My mother has always been calm, but in that moment, she told him, "This is the last time you raise your voice at me. Do you understand?" He kept shouting and started speeding up the car. I tried to calm things down, but he wouldn't listen to me, so I went silent and tried not to make a sound. He asked me why I always act that way, and I told him I felt like the problem because every time I spoke, it ended in an argument (I had only mentioned wanting to go to Japan someday; he started talking about money, and suddenly the conversation veered off track and it all kicked off). He started playing the victim, and I just wanted to get out of the car. It all happened so fast—we got home, I got out, and now I'm locked in my room again. I took all the pills I have and the last shots of my Jack D, thinking about a blade. I really want to leave home, but I have nowhere to go; I honestly don't know what to do.

The Peacher's Daughter part 2: addiction and shame

Addiction Support / by RashellLena24

July 22nd

...See more Being the daughter of a conservative Christian family and, above all, a pastor's daughter, is about maintaining a title; it’s about maintaining the family's good image. But it turns out they don’t even care; they don’t give a damn. Most people who are pastors' kids will know that it’s like being part of 'royalty,' so to speak. After what happened to me, after the S.A. I suffered a few months ago, I thought I would finally be able to move forward and have someone to talk to—a psychiatrist, a psychologist, whatever. I thought I would finally have the psychological guidance I needed, but it wasn't like that; it was a disaster. I’ll talk about that eventually. They really don’t care. I tried to call the suicide prevention emergency service. I didn’t have my phone nearby at the time, so I used my mother’s, and I fell asleep because I had been very drunk and taken some pills, so everything took effect. I was just lying there; my face was resting on the mattress and my body was simply on the floor, on my knees. I don’t know if you understand that position, where your torso is on the bed and the rest of your body is on the floor. She came in and, without knowing that I was trying to call emergency services, she only came to take the phone away from me. I feel I can’t even ask for help, because the only thing they would feel is shame—and in a way, I feel like a shame to them too. I remember wanting to buy some drinks at a store, and my mother refused, saying that if I bought alcohol, she would no longer have the leverage to judge my cousins and other relatives. I think now I can understand that they really don't give a damn about how I am, if I'm okay, if I'm at least breathing or anything like that. They always say they are keeping an eye on me, that they always support me, this and that, and all that ***. It’s not the first time they’ve seen me lying there; the other time, a few months ago, she found me on the floor, completely drugged. Clearly, she didn’t say anything to me; she simply asked me to give her back her damn phone. I wonder what that is; she didn't even check my pulse, which would at least be something; at least to know that she cares about me, or at least that my father would. But my father doesn’t; my father doesn’t worry about me. It’s truly a *** here. They tell you that only people who commit a suicidal act are cowards, and it’s like... knowing that I have already felt it, what kind of person am I? I am the kind of person to whom such things can be done. I hope to talk about this story, my story, frequently and finally speak out and free myself, at least a little bit, from all this *** that is happening to me.

The Preacher's Daughter part 1 (Trigger warning)

Addiction Support / by RashellLena24

June 21st

...See more I am writing because I feel I have lost the meaning of life. I have been having very dark thoughts; today I told my brother that the only reason I am still here is because I couldn't find a place to hang myself. The relationship with my father has completely shattered. He was unfaithful to my mother with someone I considered a very close family friend. When I discovered it and confronted him, he broke down in tears and falsely claimed that my mother had also cheated on him, which is not true. My father is a pathological liar, narcissistic, and manipulative. He even uses the Bible against me; I am a Christian by choice, and he was a pastor for some time. Although he is no longer a pastor, his attitudes are erratic. I am always the one to blame; I am always the burden. Yet, it surprises me that I was a wanted child, but they treat me like a puppet. There is a lot of context to my life right now. I am struggling with addiction to pills and alcohol. I often find myself only talking to God because I don't have friends. My life is a disaster; at home, there is nothing but fighting. I stay in my room almost all the time and rarely go out. I am 25 years old. The only person I have ever been with sexually abused me; he was my childhood best friend and the only person I felt I had fallen in love with. When I wanted to report him, he told me not to, saying that it would be an act of revenge and that it was not right in the eyes of God. I am very confused. I apologize if I am not expressing myself well, but it is difficult for me to share this while intoxicated, and I truly do not want to live.

The drugs don't work anymore (I need more)

General Support / by RashellLena24

August 7th, 2025

Drugs don't work anymore ( i need more)

Addiction Support / by RashellLena24

August 23rd, 2025

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