The Preacher's Daughter part 1 (Trigger warning)
I am writing because I feel I have lost the meaning of life. I have been having very dark thoughts; today I told my brother that the only reason I am still here is because I couldn't find a place to hang myself.
The relationship with my father has completely shattered. He was unfaithful to my mother with someone I considered a very close family friend. When I discovered it and confronted him, he broke down in tears and falsely claimed that my mother had also cheated on him, which is not true. My father is a pathological liar, narcissistic, and manipulative. He even uses the Bible against me; I am a Christian by choice, and he was a pastor for some time. Although he is no longer a pastor, his attitudes are erratic. I am always the one to blame; I am always the burden. Yet, it surprises me that I was a wanted child, but they treat me like a puppet.
There is a lot of context to my life right now. I am struggling with addiction to pills and alcohol. I often find myself only talking to God because I don't have friends. My life is a disaster; at home, there is nothing but fighting. I stay in my room almost all the time and rarely go out. I am 25 years old.
The only person I have ever been with sexually abused me; he was my childhood best friend and the only person I felt I had fallen in love with. When I wanted to report him, he told me not to, saying that it would be an act of revenge and that it was not right in the eyes of God. I am very confused. I apologize if I am not expressing myself well, but it is difficult for me to share this while intoxicated, and I truly do not want to live.
@RashellLena24
You talk about your father as if he is a demigod.. I am sorry he is a negative influence on you..
You've got a lot of problems going on with alcohol and pills..
I hope you cut down or stop someday soon..
It's so sad that you are having thoughts of suicide..I hope you find respite here on this website.
Thank you for your bravery to share your struggle..🌲
Thanks about you sport I really appreciate that and thank you for hear me, I really searching for help.
@RashellLena24
Thank you for sharing, Lena. I trully understand you, i am an alcoholic as well.
Do you have any thoughts about what you may do?
Rachel, so we are on the same boat. Although I don't consume alcohol for some time, by choice, I understand I am addicted to it. So your question is exactly what mine would be to her. ✨️
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I came across this app today looking for help with my own problems and came across your post. Maybe it will help me or you, idk. So I thought I’d give you my 2 cents real quick. You’re 25, believe me when I say it, but *** can get better. I don’t know your whole story, but it sounds like you’re stuck in a cycle and it’s time to make some changes.
I’m sorry you were abused by a friend/bf. I was sexually abused when I was a kid and is ONE of the reasons I’m here today. I think of suicide and fantasize about it almost daily, but there has to be something in your life worth living for? For me it’s my 2 daughters.
I’ve struggled with drugs and alcohol my entire life up until 1 year and 21 days ago. Have you tried AA? When I was your age I went to AA because the court said I had to. I went and listened to all these drunk losers talk about how alcohol ruined their life, lost marriages, lost kids, killed someone, prison. I thought to myself, alcohol will never do this to me, I don’t have a problem. These people are *** nuts. Fast forward 15 years and wouldn’t you know? I am that drunk loser sitting in the chair crying and defeated. Funny how that works. You are young enough not to become a drunk loser. Almost everyday I think how I could turn the clock back. If I could be 25 again, what would I do different? I wish I made changes then. Because it’s a lot harder to make changes when you’re 39.
Maybe try this out today, go outside and go for a long walk. Think about the things you have in your life that you cherish and love. Think about how awesome some memories make you feel. Something has to make you happy. Get home and then download the app Everything AA. It has a pretty cool day count feature you can track your sobriety and you can jump in on a zoom meeting practically anytime of the day. Listen to other people’s stories. You’re 25, you still have so much time to make changes and not have *** up stories.
What the *** do I know tho. I’m not a doctor. I’m not your friend. I’m a nobody. But one thing I do know is I’m a dad, and I couldn’t bare losing a child. I’m sure your dad feels the same way.
Hope you have a better day. Words of wisdom: “One day at a time”
@waterdog619
thank you
You made me cry already with your message and yeah I stuck in a cycle I don't know how to escape and try and try it and I feel tired and I know many people say to me that I'm so young but I don't know what to do... I feel like life is just a Flash I don't know what to do, I call help centers I tried to talk to my family about how I feel, the only reasons that why I'm still alive it's my mom, my brothers even my dog.... since that I don't have anything else and I feel bad because my father is not a part of that list, I tried to change that try to we can have some relationship in our life my parents still together and I really try to have some peace at home I just feel like I start to become crazy and I have some money and I'll buy alcohol and does how I can only escape of all the things happening in my life right now and I try to be sober there's something happen in it I fall again and again and again and I try and God knows I try, and I know I'm a great failure and that's why I know that my father is right you know.... that maybe I'm the problem. Your daughters have luck to have you. (sorry for my bad grammatic, orthography, and all of that btw)
glad you’re still around.
You’re right, life does go by pretty quick. But when your 25 and in the thick of it, time can seem to drag on and thus feels like your stuck. I totally get that. But just keep in the back of your head, time heals. Things change. If you want things to change sooner, go outside and make some changes.
resorting to booze to fix a problem or numb your feelings isn’t going to help your situation. I learned that the hard way.
What’s your dad so bent over anyway?
Did you go out for a walk yet?
@RashellLena24
I am sorry to hear about the trauma that you have experienced in your life. I can imagine that it has shattered you and left you feeling particularly vulnerable. It sounds like there is not a lot of people in your life that you trust anymore and that can be so isolating. You mention that you truly do not want to live. I want to check in with you and ask if you're currently safe right now? You matter and we want to support you, but if your situation right now is in a bit more of a crisis, I highly recommend checking out the crisis resources. You can click here to see them.
@RashellLena24
I know it is hard. And I thank God that you are sharing your heart here with us, it feels better, than to bottle it in, right? The burden is a little bit lifted of you.
There is a lot to say, and I dont really know what to say, but I will be here for a few days, if you want to talk to me, or anyone here, we are here for you.
I am 23 years old. I came to faith when I was around 18. Hard to describe the context of my life and when you dont really walk shoes of somebody you cant really perfectly relate. My life was just a mess... it was like with years I was falling deeper into the abyss and darkness and everything was worse.... traumas, losing my soul and identity and hurting it to a point I became just a shell and totally lost... I was gone really... loneliness, emptiness, depression, anxiety, self hate, worthlessness.... I couldnt go on to a point... so I was just trying to make it... escape reality... I choose mainly through addictions... which was just a nail to the coffin and .... I became without hope, without control over me. Having no one. Struggling with speech problem and all those stuff. And it became to a point I just couldnt go on, so I live here close to a high bridge and I went there one night and climbed the guardrail and was one step from jumping. But I met Christ... love so pure, love so deep, love so perfect... it changed everything ... because the light came, the truth came... and it pointed me to a direction... and from then I was studying and researching thing and slowly started walking the road and things got much better.
After all those years, I am up and down, my life is not like I see in the Word and I am not trully following the Lord... I keep coming to old ways and it is hard, I struggle a lot, a lot. And it is my own fault. Complete surrender to the Lord is the answer, it is the act of will. Act of will. You know? I gotta go there. We sometimes fear, but we dont have anything to fear.... God is with us, and He knows what is the best for us, you know?
You know religion does harm... religion is dead. Even though you can believe in the right God, in the truth but still be far from God. You know in the New Testament... there were those scribes and pharisees and they were the highest and the most godly and righteous in the eyes of people and they knew the Word perfectly... they were doing good and pious deeds... and yet they were so far from God that they killed His own Son because they didnt really know Him. They talked about him, they were confessing him, they were doing good deeds for him, they knew about him... but they didnt know Him. There is a difference.
See, being a Christian... means to follow Christ... to walk in the light as He is in the light, to live according the Word and do His will... but it all comes from love. It is about love. You know a Christian "by his love". In 1 Corinthians 13 chapter it says that you can have the supernatural gifts, you can have all the knowledge, you can pray and fast a lot and read the Word every day... you can even serve the Lord and evangelize and whatever.... but if you dont have love. You have nothing. You are nothing. In 1st John it says that who knows God, he loves... but who doesnt know Him, he doesnt love because God is love. See, it is all about love. Deep intimate relationship with God... based on love. Love.
There is your answer. God has a plan for your life, perfect plan.... but he will not do it without you, but with you. You must actively walk with Him and His way. And that will cost you everything, and it will hurt.... That is why Jesus says "Count the cost" and "If anyone wants to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me." It is serious. Deadly serious.
God loves you Lena, and He wants to take those burdens and evil and traumas and change into good and use it for the good, but he waits for you. You must give it to him. There is so much more God has for you, so much more. But we cant make God solely responsible for everything and live passive. No, we are responsible for our life and soul and for what we do.
God loves you so much He gave up everything, His only begotten Son so that you shall not perish but have everlasting life. His love for you, that will change your life.