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SleepyClementineWithLegs
1 863 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts56 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceOctober 15, 2023
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My brain is wired wrong and I have no idea why, I can't cope with it.
General Support / by SleepyClementineWithLegs
Last post
 February 15th, 2024
...See more My brain is incredibly bad at its job and all it does is bring me more pain. I can handle maths and sciences really well, my brain adores the logic pathways and finds them really fun to traverse, but English figurative analysis and essays and creative writing just make my brain freeze up. It feels like I'm diving into an infinity pool of ink with concrete boots on each time, and so far I've just been improvising well enough to get good marks but it's not working anymore. Tone makes no sense to me, I can't pick up on the emotions and similar caused by text, I can't figure out heads or tails of it and it is just killing me. I can't communicate with people at all because I can't read tone or body language well and I screw up every single *** social interaction, every single friendship because I suck at it and I just end up lonely. My brain gets stuck in random channels - if that makes any sense - of topics it wants to think about, and I keep talking about the same *** stuff like a boring piece of crap, I feel like an NPC. I feel broken, I feel malformed, I wish I was normal, I would give up everything to have a normally wired brain. I can't deal with this, if I'm not built perfectly then my parents may get weird again and I can't have them scream and punch the walls again I'm too tired for this. I want to physically gouge out my brain from its meat socket and forcibly rewire it at this point, maybe then it'd be better and I could be a normal functioning human not a barely strung together mess who is pretty damn sure that everyone makes fun of them behind their back and ya know what fair on them I deserve it, I'm a screw up by God.
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I hate how I think of just one guy I was friends with.
General Support / by SleepyClementineWithLegs
Last post
 February 4th, 2024
...See more I'm not 100% sure what trigger warnings to add, sorry, if you're not doing good mentally I'd recommend not reading this. Brief.mention.of suicidality I guess, and unhealthy friendships? I have memory issues so some things are fuzzy. The long story short is that when I was like late 15/freshly 16, pretty sure the latter, I made a post on r/suicidewatch on reddit because I was having a VERY bad time if you catch my drift. Shortly after I had a guy reach out to me via DMs, offering to be my friend. I accepted because I was feeling really isolated then and also because I'm a closeted trans guy and wanted a "one of the boys" friendship. When I looked at his profile it was just him constantly posting about wanting to hookup, but he seemed fine and really nice in our chats and I didn't really have anyone else at the time so I just kinda ignored that. He was in his mid 20s, I think 25-26? Maybe 24? He was there for me, he listened to my problems, I told him things I since can't remember and I want to remember, I trusted him and was happy to have someone. Gradually over a couple of months the conversation started to get... weirder. Not in a "he sent me porn" kinda way, but he would always talk about meeting up every single conversation despite me being uncomfy with it and him living in Japan at the time (If I remember right he was Chilean but studied in Queensland for a bit). He kept steering a lot of things to my love life and asked me to describe myself for him A LOT, which I found really uncomfortable but went along with because, you know, he's a friend. He started disregarding my problems to steer things to the love life *** which made me feel awful, but at that point I got kinda yeeted out of my friendship group and had nobody else so I stuck with him. Then the reddit update thing happened last year with chat logs getting deleted, and lo and behold ours was gone. I tried to do 2 data requests from reddit to get our messages back but each time I couldn't find his, I have no idea why. Whenever I talked to him I would start to have nightmares about meeting up with him and him doing bad things to me, but that's just my brain overreacting. Part of me wonders what he would have done if reddit hadn't deleted our chatlogs there. He kinda scares the irrational part of my brain, I don't know why I don't even know what he looks like. I know yhis isn't bad or anything because he never made the convo explicitly sexual about the two of us (from what I can remember), but I still feel weird thinking about.him when all he did was completely fine and.normal and judt a weird lil online friendship, and my brain is just weak. Sometimes I.panic that I made it all up, because of the memory issues, but I'm not imaginative enough to make.up a whole new person. I don't know why I'm posting this it's 12:30am where I am. He haunts my mind.sometimes but if.I ever try to talk about him I can't find the words because he did nothing wrong at all, but still my brain somehow broke itself further I guess. God I hate myself.
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How do you cope with our inevitable deaths?
General Support / by SleepyClementineWithLegs
Last post
 October 31st, 2023
...See more I've been struggling to sleep these past few weeks because I have a paranoid fear of dying in my sleep and I keep having existential breakdowns late at night which disrupt my sleep schedule. I find the notion that our consciousness is just shut off like a disconnected TV absolutely horrific. I don't know how to cope with that. It's horrific, I hate it, and nothing has value. Thr dissolution of the self is horrific anyway, I would prefer my consciousness is permanently trapped on my dead body than just not a thing anymore. I can't sleep, I can't do anything. Please help.
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Any tips on being less codependent?
General Support / by SleepyClementineWithLegs
Last post
 October 30th, 2023
...See more Hey there, this is gonna be about some personal *** I've been dealing with. I have some traumas because of family shenanigans I don't know if I want to talk about or not right now, but among other things they lead me to form codependent relationships really easily which leads to me *** *** up royally and hurting a lot of people I care about without meaning to. Currently I'm taking the route of just distancing myself from people and only letting them see the persona I project/person I want to be without my *** up brain, and am trying to find a way to better myself but it's difficult. The difficulty is compounded by my inability to read people at all, so sometimes I just don't pick up on the social cues that someone is uncomfortable. I try to encourage a very direct and blunt style of communication between people I'm close to and I because I make it clear I have issues with that, but it doesn't always help. I really want to be better, even though I don't mean to hurt those around me it is still my fault and the responsibility is on me to fix it. Anyone have any recommendations?
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