Any tips on being less codependent?
Hey there, this is gonna be about some personal *** I've been dealing with. I have some traumas because of family shenanigans I don't know if I want to talk about or not right now, but among other things they lead me to form codependent relationships really easily which leads to me *** *** up royally and hurting a lot of people I care about without meaning to. Currently I'm taking the route of just distancing myself from people and only letting them see the persona I project/person I want to be without my *** up brain, and am trying to find a way to better myself but it's difficult. The difficulty is compounded by my inability to read people at all, so sometimes I just don't pick up on the social cues that someone is uncomfortable. I try to encourage a very direct and blunt style of communication between people I'm close to and I because I make it clear I have issues with that, but it doesn't always help. I really want to be better, even though I don't mean to hurt those around me it is still my fault and the responsibility is on me to fix it. Anyone have any recommendations?
I did not realise I was cussing, whoops. The meaning in a few less swear words: "personal things I've been dealing with", "me screwing everything up royally", "screwed up brain"
@SleepyClementineWithLegs
Being honest helps, being shut off about something means the opposite of dependency on a person though and that's not what you want either. If you find yourself feeling like you need a specific person's attention to be happy, I've found that the problem isn't their lack of attention necessarily but the subject matter you talk about. There was a point in one of my relatives where I trusted this friend so much that all I would do was vent to them and while they were and are incredibly supportive this wasn't helping me or him and wasn't fulfilling either. Keep venting open, but on both sides, and also varying conversation topics, even if it means very conscious effort to ask them about themselves (needing it to be conscious isn't a bad thing as you grow) and also if you feel bad and your first instinct is to reach out to a specific person, wait an hour and try and relax or do something calming before then. Give yourself a chance to self soothe before needing someone else to incompletely do it for you- because you know you best.
Lmk if that made sense
I struggle with this too but working on it without shutting off open communication is possible :)
Hey, thanks for the response, and thanks for the recommendations. They make sense, all of them, and are a nice middle ground I guess could be good to aim for. I already completely screwed up 2 friendships because of codependency I didn't realise and a lot of trauma and now I am scared of hurting everyone else so my brain is pushing me to go the complete opposite way. I guess it's just concerned that if I go for the middle I'm just gonna slip back into the bad tendencies without control. I have been working on the self-soothing thing - I deal with situations poorly, typically I mentally shut down for a bit trying to process and spend forever making everything make sense. Typically when stressed if I let myself talk about it with people I start emotionally grabbing onto anything I can like a drowning man, dragging others down into the depths without meaning it. Im trying to fix that, but so far the quick fix has been just shutting down completely in regards to bad things that happen to me, which isn't healthy but is healthier for the people around me.
Hi there, thanks for the kind words. Yeah, it is a struggle, but I owe that to everyone around me to be less of a disaster. We are all teenagers, and as such suck especially at dealing with ***, do I don't know how to reach out about anything in a healthy manner and it feels like the easiest way to make sure they don't get hurt is to just shut up and process everything personally and quietly at a far later date instead. I hate that I can't form normal relationships though. I wish I could be normal, I don't know why I can't and it's a mess.
@SleepyClementineWithLegs
Oh dear. You're filling your bags consistently and hastily! Living to process in the future what will be a distant past - already written in dust and blown away.
My dear friend, I do believe you're missing the moment, the present, the eternal now. It's all there is or ever will be, it's the present you see, and you've been called to attend, invited even and it's your choice what to wear, when to arrive, what you'll do, say, and so forth. The most important part is it's you, the deep down true to your core you that's received this glorious invitation.
That's what excites and also scares people the most. Some people will embrace your unique creativity and amazing presence. Others will put you down because they don't quite fit in and they think you shouldn't either. Embrace diversity in yourself and encourage others to be themselves and validate one another. If there's ever a doubt let it be in the spirit of ahimsa(non-violence; do no harm).
In case you haven't found the self-help guides:
https://www.7cups.com/supportGuides/selfHelpGuides.php
I suggest going over the list and tackle them one at a time, doing the exercises, watch the videos, put words to your story, or art, or whatever form of self-expression feels right. Don't go gently into that dark night! Finding your truth is the greatest gift when you are then also able to share it with others.
May the sages and spirits guide you and help you find your way,
-Leo
