I hate how I think of just one guy I was friends with.

I'm not 100% sure what trigger warnings to add, sorry, if you're not doing good mentally I'd recommend not reading this. Brief.mention.of suicidality I guess, and unhealthy friendships?

I have memory issues so some things are fuzzy. The long story short is that when I was like late 15/freshly 16, pretty sure the latter, I made a post on r/suicidewatch on reddit because I was having a VERY bad time if you catch my drift. Shortly after I had a guy reach out to me via DMs, offering to be my friend. I accepted because I was feeling really isolated then and also because I'm a closeted trans guy and wanted a "one of the boys" friendship. When I looked at his profile it was just him constantly posting about wanting to hookup, but he seemed fine and really nice in our chats and I didn't really have anyone else at the time so I just kinda ignored that. He was in his mid 20s, I think 25-26? Maybe 24? He was there for me, he listened to my problems, I told him things I since can't remember and I want to remember, I trusted him and was happy to have someone. Gradually over a couple of months the conversation started to get... weirder. Not in a "he sent me porn" kinda way, but he would always talk about meeting up every single conversation despite me being uncomfy with it and him living in Japan at the time (If I remember right he was Chilean but studied in Queensland for a bit). He kept steering a lot of things to my love life and asked me to describe myself for him A LOT, which I found really uncomfortable but went along with because, you know, he's a friend. He started disregarding my problems to steer things to the love life *** which made me feel awful, but at that point I got kinda yeeted out of my friendship group and had nobody else so I stuck with him. Then the reddit update thing happened last year with chat logs getting deleted, and lo and behold ours was gone. I tried to do 2 data requests from reddit to get our messages back but each time I couldn't find his, I have no idea why. Whenever I talked to him I would start to have nightmares about meeting up with him and him doing bad things to me, but that's just my brain overreacting. Part of me wonders what he would have done if reddit hadn't deleted our chatlogs there. He kinda scares the irrational part of my brain, I don't know why I don't even know what he looks like. I know yhis isn't bad or anything because he never made the convo explicitly sexual about the two of us (from what I can remember), but I still feel weird thinking about.him when all he did was completely fine and.normal and judt a weird lil online friendship, and my brain is just weak. Sometimes I.panic that I made it all up, because of the memory issues, but I'm not imaginative enough to make.up a whole new person. I don't know why I'm posting this it's 12:30am where I am. He haunts my mind.sometimes but if.I ever try to talk about him I can't find the words because he did nothing wrong at all, but still my brain somehow broke itself further I guess. God I hate myself.