Not bad enough
I have to start a bit back My first sexual experience was horrendous. I was 19 at the time and badly mentally ill but without support. He took advantage of it but it never came to actual intercourse. After that I had a few men harass and touch me without consent and it led to the point where even 3 years later I struggle quite a bit with touch and anything sex. I'm in a long distance relationship due to covid and even over text he occasionally manages to trigger me. I'm trying so hard and I feel like I'm making such a big fuss about something that happened 3 years ago. It feels like what happened wasn't bad enough to matter. He is usually being super sweet whenever I have issues but he can't relate at all and has a hard time understanding. I just feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Sex is difficult for me but I'm trying. Yesterday he triggered me pretty bad and today I'm still crying and shaking and I have bad headaches and light sensitivity. I feel so pathetic and like wimp and a loser. It shouldn't have such an effect on me and yet it doesn't feel like I'm doing bad enough for it to matter.
Hello buddy, I totally understand you. Past experiences or traumas are so hard to overcome which will sometimes last for years, when triggered it may hurt real bad. And that is the case if yours. How can we solve this? Talk it out to your bf about that you're not comfortable talking about that. As a good boyfriend he should understand. Explain that you had a traumatic experience and whenever you're triggered it disrupts your lifestyle. Tell him directly. I'm not ready NOW. DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT TO ME. It doesn't mean you'll never be ready for a healthy life. You'll be. Because trust me,you're strong. All you need is a little trust and comfort. Which should be provided by your boyfriend. And still if he doesn't understand. Let us know. A healthy relationship doesn't really need sex talk to work out. A loving daily check-ins, especially for a long distance relationship is enough. Directly confront him. And I wish you all health and comfort. Stay safe. Take care. Loads of love. ♥️
Thanks for your kind words. We talked about my issues before and all the mental health problems. He knows what happened and he even checked in on me this morning. It's just so difficult. I guess that's ok and things would definitely be easier if he was actually here. I'm not mad or anything. Triggers happen and I guess it is good to find them. He is usually very considerate and caring. I just have a hard time talking to anyone about it even with my therapist.
I totally understand. It's hard to speak about it sometimes. It's totally fine. You're going in the path of healing. Don't worry. Dont stumble. You'll reach it. Have a great and happy life. ♥️