chrysanthemum1123 Member Profile

Just Clearing Things Up

Relationship Stress / by chrysanthemum1123

January 19th, 2023

...See more If you have seen my posts on other sections this is a recap along with new info and I’m sorry in advance for the long post: My bf and I were together for two years. We came from very different parenting styles. My parents are old fashioned Italian/Latina, they have paid for everything in my life so far. My boyfriend’s parents have him pay some of his own bills and his tuition for school and he recently just got his own car. My parents also have a tracker on my phone along with my sisters because us walking home from school/driving home late from work and there has been recent break ins and attempted kidnappings in the area. My parents and my boyfriend never got along. My parents are old fashioned so they expected him to come into the house and shake my dad’s hand and give my mom a hug hello, and he didn’t when I told him it’s important to me because it shows respect he said it feels fake to him which my parents see when he does it. My boyfriend is also very opinionated about other people. He calls other people out on their bs. He has made comments about my family to me like calling my dad a fat doctor, making comments about my mom being in school for 7 years because she kept switching majors, and complaining about how my grandparents helped pay for their schooling. It’s always bothered me when he’s made insulting comments because I don’t do that to his family (which he does) but when I tell him that all he says is “it’s ok you can insult them”. To me it’s a sign of disrespect. I have had my car since my freshman year of college, and during the two years up until recently he has used his parents car. When we would make plans his parents would tell him last minute that they need the car or decide to make plans last minute so I would be sitting here waiting for him. He would also complain about spending money that driving to see me was a chore because of paying for gas. He’s told me he’s talked to his parents about it and that they didn’t care because it’s their cars. But it’s not fair to him if he has plans with/without me and they decide to take the car last minute. That shows that they don’t even care what’s important to their own son. I also feel like I am the only one wanting to make dates like going on a picnic in the park, going to watch the sunset, going to the drive in theater, going to a nice place to eat for our anniversary. When I’ve tried talking to him about how I feel about his parents taking the car and that plans are always changing he said “I’m not your therapist” because I am distracting him from school. He has sent me voice messages too of his mom saying I am distracting him by bringing it up. So it has made me feel like my feelings are unheard because he puts them off and then anytime we fight I bring them up again and he gets even more upset that I’m repeating it. He has spoken to me in a way that makes it seem like he’s parenting me, and he want me to do things his way and any other way is no good. There was an incident in September when he was trying to talk about getting a car and he looked at my sister and said “even a moron like her can do it”. I have two sisters, one of them being special-needs so words like moron and *** are not used in the house and we find very offensive because of my special needs sister. My sister, that he called moron was obviously hurt because she never expected him to call her names. When I confronted him about it, he said that is a term of endearment from the ABC show the Goldbergs and it’s a running joke within his family, but he never said that to my sister. I told him that it was not OK that he called her that and she was very hurt and he just said it was a joke and then he didn’t have to apologize because you can’t take a joke. This got back to my parents who were on vacation at the time and they were severely upset which I understand because it’s someone offending their daughter my parents and my boyfriend never got along from the beginning they didn’t like the fact that he would always cancel plans, but his parents weren’t flexible with the car and he would say I have to deal with it because he deals with it on a daily basis, they see me sitting here waiting for him and get upset that I don’t see him. My boyfriend doesn’t like that. My parents are very controlling over my life. And he’s made it very very clear after this incident. My parents told me that they don’t like him anymore and they want to me to break up with him and they threatened to take away everything and to get involved if I don’t do it myself. I’ve been mean to do it, but I talk to my boyfriend, and we both decided that we were told my parents that we were just friends and be together in secret. Over the next few months since it happened in the end of September, I have learned to become even more independent from my parents around my birthday my mindset changed, and I told myself that I am not gonna let other people dictate my life, I’m not gonna have any more negative energy around me, and I’m gonna put my self-worth and happiness first. About two weeks after this incident with my parents, my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. That I need to stand up to my parents because he didn’t like being in secret, or he was leaving, he would tell me you didn’t want to speak to me for days. He was a very hurtful things, telling me to grow up, that I’m naïve, I’m materialistic (meanwhile I just wanted him to make the effort to make dates) when I called him out on something he told me f***k you, and he’s told me he wanted his stuff back. He has even made an account on here when we were fighting and looked at my posts about him instead of listening to what I had to say because he blew up. I felt like my privacy was invaded because this is the app I go to to vent but now knowing that he has an account I feel like I can’t vent anymore. In November I told him that maybe it was better if we didn’t stay together because of the constant fighting he got upset told me not to talk to him and he needed space and called me a manipulator. I would tell him how I feel but he wouldn’t listen to me and only ask if we were taking a break until I got into school. I told him I don’t like how he talks to me when he’s mad, the comments he makes about my family that he needs to stop, and how he makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. I do care about him so I wanted to give it another try. From this time up until New Year’s Eve the fighting, and comments continued on the way he spoke to me when he was mad continued and were hurtful each time. Having this new mindset, I realized I don’t wanna be a part of this anymore. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself about the comments, and deal with how he gets when he’s upset I’m tired of having my feelings hurt. I feel like the values I have for relationship was never important. I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and it feels like we were going in circles for the next two days like he’s in denial. He keeps telling me that I never loved him and I never cared about him because he was the one person that pushed me to be better and not be controlled by my parents so he doesn’t understand why I’m leaving. But I told him that he is the one person that I never expected to treat me the way you did, to talk to me the way you did. I was already in a previous relationship where I was cheated on and talk to like that, and even though my bf didn’t cheat on me I am not being talk to like that ever again. And it did hurt me to break up with him because I do care about him but I don’t wanna be in a relationship with him anymore. I know the timing was terrible and I feel bad about it. But I didn’t want to wait any longer and have it hurt even more. From the way we had been fighting and the things he had said over the few months I felt like I wasn’t in a relationship anymore. And I know he took it really hard and scared me because he drove to a place near my house and (TW) started to talk as if he was going to hurt himself. It scared and worried me to the point I was ready to call the cops or even his mom, but once I brought that up he went home and calmed down. Over this weekend we met up and spoke, we were able to talk peacefully and clear things up. But I was still really hurt and had made up my mind that I don’t want to keep having the same arguments, and I just wasn’t happy anymore. He gave me my birthday which was really sweet and I cried reading it because he brought up family members that are close to my heart that have passed away and how they’d be so proud of me, how he’s sorry for the way he’s talked, how he loves me and wants to show how much he loves me. All the right things I’ve been wanting him to say. But at this point it felt like “I’m sorry” means nothing because I’ve heard it too many times from the fighting, the name calling, and the comments. I told him I want to be friends and be on good terms. But he told me that’s too hard for him, which I understand that it is. He needs help with how he communicates his feelings because he would just bottle them up and not open up to me. It’s like his parents and brother talk to him like he’s trash so he thinks it’s ok to talk to me like that when he gets mad, he thinks it’s ok to blow up and say things out of anger because his family does it etc. Basically everything his parents taught him while growing up and how they speak to him he thinks it’s ok because he’s so used to it. I’ve told him before that he needs to go to therapy and he always said he didn’t need it and I needed to go because of my parents. Now after breaking up he agreed to go. When we met up to talk I said that I feel he was the right person for me but it was just the wrong time. He has taught me things about myself and brought more out of me in the two years we were together. I don’t regret being together but I think we need to go our separate ways and grow individually. He kept asking if in a couple months I would want to get back together again. But I don’t know the kind of person I’m going to be in a few months, and same with him. I don’t know if he will ever learn what he did was wrong and it pushed me away. So I told him no, I just wanted to be friends. It broke me to see how much it hurt him. It hurt me too because this was a person I saw spending the rest of my life with, having kids with, he was also my first but what I’ve seen and felt the last couple months was hurtful. Before I left I told him I will always love and care for him and I want him to be happy and get help because he does not deserve to be treated the way he does at home and doesn’t deserve for it to run his life. We hugged and kissed for the last time. I did ask if he wanted the birthday card he wrote for me back because he has asked for his stuff back before and I just thought he would want it back because he thought I was being a b*tch or something. But he told me to keep it and I did. I know everyone has their own opinions and may think I am being unreasonable or selfish or maybe you think I am playing with his feelings when I say right person, wrong time and that I didn’t want to get back together. I wish I could write down more in better detail to explain this. But you should know that I will always have love for him and care for him because I know he’s a good person. He didn’t deserve to be treated the way he did by my parents, he doesn’t deserve to be treated the way he’s treated by his parents and his brother. When we weren’t fighting and the comments weren’t being made oh my god I knew he loved me. And I hope he knew how much I loved him. I just hope he gets the help he needs and grows as a person. Because he deserves the world.

Starting Gym at the beginning of a new yesr

Healthy Living / by chrysanthemum1123

January 5th, 2023

Broke up with my boyfriend but he’s not understanding

Relationship Stress / by chrysanthemum1123

January 3rd, 2023

...See more My bf and I were together for two years. We came from very different parenting styles. My parents are old fashioned Italian/Latina, they have paid for everything in my life so far. My boyfriend’s parents have him pay some of his own bills and his tuition for school and he recently just got his own car. He is very independent (too independent sometimes). My parents also have a tracker on my phone along with my sisters because us walking home from school/driving home late from work and there has been recent break ins and attempted kidnappings in the area. They have even said that they don’t want me driving home from his house late at night because of it but he doesn’t care that I too feel unsafe because there was a time when a stranger followed my dad up the stairs to the front door when he was getting home from work. I did lie at one point and say he followed me home when he didn’t, my parents found out and said I wasn’t allowed over his house unless he picks me up. My parents and my boyfriend never got along. My parents are old fashioned so they expected him to come into the house and shake my dad’s hand and give my mom a hug hello, and he didn’t when I told him it’s important to me because it shows respect he said it feels fake to him which my parents see when he does it. My boyfriend is also very opinionated about other people. He calls other people out on their bs. He has made comments about my family to me like calling my dad a fat doctor, making comments about my mom being in school for 7 years because she kept switching majors, and complaining about how my grandparents helped pay for their schooling. It’s always bothered me when he’s made insulting comments because I don’t do that to his family (which he does) but when I tell him that all he says is “it’s ok you can insult them”. To me it’s a sign of disrespect. I have had my car since my freshman year of college, and during the two years up until recently he has used his parents car. When we would make plans his parents would tell him last minute that they need the car or decide to make plans last minute so I would be sitting here waiting for him. He’s told me he’s talked to his parents about it and that they didn’t care because it’s their cars. But it’s not fair to him if he has plans with/without me and they decide to take the car last minute. So he’s never allowed to make plans? He has also complained that coming to me is a chore because he pays for the gas on the car and it’s too expensive to see me and go on dates and I should be the one because “I have my own car that’s paid for and a full time job”. I also feel like I am the only one wanting to make dates like going on a picnic in the park, going to watch the sunset, going to the drive in theater, going to a nice place to eat for our anniversary. Right now he is in school for PTA, which I understand is very stressful because I am applying to grad school for PT. But he has told me that if I wanted to make plans I have to do it because he’s too busy with school. And when I’ve tried talking to him about how I feel about his parents taking the car and that plans are always changing he said “I’m not your therapist” because I am distracting him from school. He has sent me voice messages too of his mom saying I am distracting him by bringing it up. So it has made me feel like my feelings are unheard because he puts them off and then anytime we fight I bring them up again and he gets even more upset that I’m repeating it. There was an incident in September when he was trying to talk about getting a car and he looked at my sister and said even a moron like her can do it. I have two sisters, one of them being special-needs so words like moron and re***d are not used in the house and we find very offensive because of my special needs sister. My sister, that he called the moron was obviously hurt because she never expected him to call her names. When I confronted him about it, he said that is a term of endearment from the ABC show the Goldbergs and it’s a running joke within his family, but he never said that to my sister. I told him that it was not OK that he called her that and she was very hurt and he just said it was a joke and then he didn’t have to apologize because you can’t take a joke. This got back to my parents who were on vacation at the time and they were severely upset which I understand because it’s someone offending their daughter. My parents and my boyfriend never got along from the beginning they didn’t like the fact that he would always cancel plans, but his parents weren’t flexible with the car and he would say I have to deal with it because he deals with it on a daily basis, they see me sitting here waiting for him and get upset that I don’t see him. My boyfriend doesn’t like that. My parents are very controlling over my life. And he’s made it very very clear after this incident. My parents told me that they don’t like him anymore and they want to me to break up with him and they threatened to take away everything and to get involved if I don’t do it myself. I’ve been mean to do it, but I talk to my boyfriend, and we both decided that we were told my parents that we were just friends and be together in secret. Over the next few months since it happened in the end of September, I have learned to become even more independent from my parents around my birthday my mindset changed, and I told myself that I am not gonna let other people dictate my life, I’m not gonna have any more negative energy around me, and I’m gonna put my self-worth and happiness first. About two weeks after this incident with my parents, my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. Do I understand up to my parents because he didn’t like being in secret, or he was leaving, he would tell me you didn’t want to speak to me for days. He was a very hurtful things, telling me to grow up, that I’m naïve, I’m materialistic (meanwhile I just wanted him to make the effort to make dates), that I had life handed to me on a silver platter and I live in a golden cage because my parents take care of my finances, when I called him out on something he told me f**k you, and he’s told me he wanted his stuff back. In November I told him that maybe it was better if we didn’t stay together because of the constant fighting he got upset told me not to talk to him and he needed space and called me a manipulator. I would tell him I I feel and he wouldn’t listen to me and only ask if we were taking a break until I got it to school. I told him I don’t like how he talks to me when he’s mad, the comments he makes about my family that he needs to stop, and how he makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. I do care about him so I wanted to give it another try. From this time up until New Year’s Eve the fighting, and comments continued on the way you spoke to me when he was mad continued and were hurtful each time. Having this new mindset, I realized I don’t wanna be a part of this anymore. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself about the comments, and deal with how he gets when he’s upset I’m tired of having my feelings hurt. I feel like the values I have for relationship was never important. He never got to really know what I want in a relationship. I don’t even think he knows my favorite flowers, or what my perfect date is. I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and it feels like we have been going in circles for the past two days like he’s in denial. He keeps telling me that I never loved him and I never cared about him because he was the one person that pushed me to be better and not be controlled by my parents so he doesn’t understand why I’m leaving. He even made it seem like he was going to hurt himself becuase I was breaking up with him which made me worried. But I told him that he is the one person that I never expected to treat me the way you did to talk to me the way you did and I was already in a relationship where I was cheated on and talk to you like that, and I am not being talk to you like that ever again, even though he has a cheating on me. And it does hurt me to break up with him because I do care about him but I don’t wanna be in a relationship with him anymore. I told him I want to be friends and be on good terms, places that that’s too hard for him, which I understand that it is. But he needs to understand that this is my decision. My parents have no influence on this, my friend said no influence. I am simply just putting my happiness and self-worth first but yet he continues to say I am choosing my parents over him which I am not, I am choosing me. I don’t know how else to say it to him, I care about him and I want what’s best for him but I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore because I’m not happy and just be with me, myself and I. Please help me help him understand.

Making more friends but don’t know where to start

Friendship Support / by chrysanthemum1123

December 16th, 2022

Told him I wanted to break up but he wants to go on a break

Relationship Stress / by chrysanthemum1123

December 13th, 2022

...See more Two nights ago, I broke up with my SO. It has become really unhealthy, we’ve been fighting a lot. Him and my parents never got along between our relationship a lot. He gave me an ultimatum to stand up to my parents, or he’s leaving. It’s very hard to stand up to my parents sometimes, because when they’re mad, they give me the silent treatment, and sometimes make me feel like I’m the problem. I don’t like feeling like a disappointment. He told me I need to grow a spine and when I do and I call him out on things that he does and how he makes me feel, he gets defensive. It got to a point where he broke things off with me, told me he needed space, and also told me he didn’t want to speak. He made an account on here and looked at my post that I made about him. I know this because he told me, and told me he misspoke when he said he wanted to break things off with me, and that he meant it towards my parents. He said very hurtful things to me, and what he did made me mad, that is something you just don’t misspeak about. when I broke up with him, I told him that this isn’t healthy anymore and I don’t want to keep putting him in a situation where he feels my parents don’t like him. I care about him a lot and I don’t want to keep putting the stress on him because he doesn’t deserve it, I really do think he deserves a lot better. I told him I wanted to remain friends because I care about him a lot and I love him. He he began telling me that he didn’t want to break up, and that it was my parents that were the main cause of everything, though it is my parents, his parents, me, and him. I am starting to care more about myself and love myself, and I want to do better for myself. I am working on setting more boundaries with my parents. But I also know that he had no right to talk to me that way, even though he said his parents and his brother talk to him that way, so he thought it was ok. I am his first serious relationship, so I think he really doesn’t know how to act and what comes in a relationship and what you should do. We have different views on what are important in a relationship. When I told him this, he told me that everything I told him about me not leaving was a lie. He called me a liar, he called me a manipulator. I know he was very upset, and I cried on the phone. I didn’t want to break up, but I knew it was better for us both now he keeps trying to convince me to go on a break until I get into grad school. I kept telling him that we were broken up, but he just kept repeating no he wanted to go on a break. I know he’s hurt. But I do think us just remaining friends and not being anything romantic is better for us but he’s trying to convince me to go on a break until I get into grad school. However, I don’t think anything will change the way he speaks to me when he’s mad in among other things which I’ve written in other posts. We’ve been fighting so much and I’m so tired of it and I’m making myself even more physically sick over it. He just refuses to see my side and just sees me as the bad person. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like my feelings are invalid

Relationship Stress / by chrysanthemum1123

December 4th, 2022

Confused

Relationship Stress / by chrysanthemum1123

November 26th, 2022

...See more I wrote two posts a couple weeks ago explaining what is going on with my S.O. In summary, my parents control everything, they don’t get along with my SO. They wanted me to end things with my SO and I lied to them and told them that I did but we were still dating in secret. I know the situation is hard on him too even though he is a lot tougher than me, but we got into a fight and he told me he was tired of living a lie. He gave me an ultimatum to either stand up tk my parents or we’re done. I told him I have stood up to them in the past and I’m working on setting boundaries with them. We got into another fight where he thought I was being selfish because I wanted to do something nice for our two year anniversary, and he just wanted to stay home and watch the World Cup. I know him and I don’t believe he planned a surprise even though that’s what he said. He told me he needed space, he didn’t want to speak to me until I grew the **** up, and that we were done until I worked on me and my problems. We didn’t talk for a whole day, and it felt like forever it hurt me so much. I kept checking to see if he was on snap to text him but I didn’t text him because I wanted to respect his wishes. He made an account on here and looked at the posts I have made about the situation and asked to meet and talk. But I am so hurt by the things he said. He claims to have misspoke and meant he wanted to break up with my parents. But the way he texted it to me was our relationship was done. He apologized many many times and says he misspoke and still wants to be with me. but I don’t know if we can be the same after this or even recover fully from this. I love him, he’s my best friend, but just thinking about our future and this is what it’s going to be like, that if we fight he’s just not going to speak to me and ask for space. I told him I can’t forgive him that easily and I need time. When we text he acts like everything is fine but there’s just a part of me that’s still so upset about this and I don’t know what to do or how to feel

Losing self

Depression Support / by chrysanthemum1123

November 29th, 2022

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