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crimsonGrapefruit4935
180 M Embraced 1
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts19 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2018 Member sinceMarch 4, 2017
Bio

I'm an artist. I've been drawing since I was 2 years old and it's my whole life... Drawing makes me feel more relaxed and it's a great way for me to vent or just forget about things for a little while.

I'm also a huge fan of music. I'd love to create my own, but I don't know how :')
I love most genres and my taste changes all the time, but lately I've been listening to twenty one pilots.

I have very bad social anxiety, so it's hard for me to start chatting with anyone, especially in real life. I've been trying very hard to overcome it and I feel like I've made some progress, though sometimes I do panic in social situations. It's been very hard to deal with.

I also have depression. I'm currently on medication for it and my anxiety.

I have one cat and he's my best friend and comforter :)

Recent forum posts
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anxiety is killing me
Anxiety Support / by crimsonGrapefruit4935
Last post
April 30th, 2017
...See more I'll try to make this short... Anxiety (mostly social anxiety) is tearing me apart. I want to go to college and just get started on life but I also want to get a job because my mom and I are barely scraping by on her disability income and I'm damn sick of not being able to afford enough food every month, though I know I can't handle doing both so which do I even work on first? So that's a problem on its own and the biggest problem here is me not even being able to try to do those things because my social anxiety is so bad. I can't even leave the house and walk around the neighborhood by myself because of it. I can't answer the phone. I can't go into stores on my own. I'm relying on my mom for everything and I'm sick of it. So, you can see how it's getting in the way of me, you know, living life and being 'normal.' Besides all that, I don't even know HOW to apply for college or a job. I have no idea what you're supposed to say during job interviews or what to put on a resume. I don't even have anything to put on a resume. I was homeschooled and I didn't even learn that much (which is a whole other sore subject for me) so I don't really have anything to write about education. And where should I even apply? For my social anxiety, I could go volunteer at the animal shelter here to get myself out of the house and around some other people, and I could also go to the gym to kind of relax and get some much-needed exercise, which I've heard is good for mental health... Is that a good starting point...? It's all I can think of for now... At least I wouldn't be sitting at home alone with my mom all day.
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Kinda Irritated...
Relationship Stress / by crimsonGrapefruit4935
Last post
April 19th, 2017
...See more This is more of a rant than anything... So mid March this year I broke up with my ex BF (I made a post about him somewhere here asking for advice on how to do that, thank you guys for helping me <3 it was really tough and scary but I got through it!) and things were really rocky after that. At first I missed him a lot, it was even still a little flirty, and I was even really close to taking him back but the feeling passed... thank God. After some time passed we really didn't talk much at all anymore and up until recently I've become very distant out of apathy and depression for things unrelated to him, and we just... drifted apart, I guess? But it was pretty abrupt. We were talking one day and mid-convo he just stopped talking to me, so I was annoyed and said something like, "okay I don't know where you went, so I'm logging out now, bye" (we talked through Skype more than anything because he's from a different country.) And that was the last I ever said to him or he said to me, until recently. A whole month passed since that message so I figured he just wasn't interested in being friends or anything anymore, plus he had some status like "Thicc girls <3<3<3" and I'm certainly not THICC so I took that as he moved on from me already, lol, so I removed him from Skype... and apparently he got really mad about that because last night he sent me a pretty aggressive message through my art page. He called me narcisisstic, selfish, uncaring and said just the thought of me made him sick. He also told me to never contact him again. I don't really understand that, or what he's talking about... he also mentioned that some girl came to visit him for two weeks and he wrote it like I knew who it was, but I have absolutely no clue. I guess maybe his ex, or something. I know that sometimes I CAN seem a little selfish, but it's in my nature to not be able to show much love anyway. It's like I just don't know how and I guess he didn't feel appreciated even though I did my best in trying to show him that I cared. Anyway... the message was really, really rude and it surely didn't need to be. I'm not that upset about it but I guess I am a little surprised. Plus, if he really felt that way, why didn't he just tell me before? I'm glad he sent it, though because I was getting pretty mad about him just ditching me suddenly without a word. Now I have some closure and I don't have to feel anxiety about him messaging me anymore... okay, rant over haha :P
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I want to leave my boyfriend but I feel trapped
Relationship Stress / by crimsonGrapefruit4935
Last post
March 16th, 2017
...See more (I wrote this yesterday but I wanted to share it here today, I'm sorry it's so long, I just want to vent and maybe get a little advice.) I'm in a long distance relationship. The age difference is pretty strong; I'm 18 going on 19 this year and he's 27 going on 28. I didn't think this was a problem at first because after all, age is just a number, right? I was fine with it but it's becoming harder and harder to deal with because we really aren't on the same 'wavelength' due to the difference. I like a lot of the things he doesn't like so I keep quiet about liking them; if he mentions something he hates but I like, I just go along with it like "haha yeah, I hate it too" I might be mature for my age, but I still think like a teenager (to quote a certain therapist I had.) I'm still similar to other people my age and I don't think the same way a 'real adult' does. I feel like I'm being forced to grow up when I should really enjoy my life the way I want to while I can. For a while I've been feeling odd about my relationship and yesterday I've finally made my decision to leave... but it's not so simple. I feel like I'm in too deep now and I feel like I've been emotionally/mentally manipulated. I don't know what to do but I want to go back to living my life the way it was, even though it was really boring. He's making me feel like I have to change everything about myself to make him stay. My religion, my personal values... He's keeping me from freely talking about my them because he makes me feel like they're silly but I know they're not. I've been feeling uncomfortable for a while but I feel like I've accidentally led him on so I feel terrible trying to bring the manipulation up because I don't want to seem like hypocrite or something. It's not like I don't love him, it's just that I've just finally cleared my head and I've changed my mind about everything. Whenever I'm alone I think about all these things and I question every part of the relationship, but when I talk to him again I feel good and like it's right and I'm just overthinking things... and then when he goes to bed (the time zone difference) I start thinking about it again. The beginning of the relationship was wonderful. I felt great, he felt great. I had a crush on him for so long and he finally tells me he loves me and wants to be in a relationship but now I feel like things are going too fast. For a long time we've talked about going places like New Zealand, Japan, etc. and even then it seemed to me like it would never happen but we were excited anyway. We kept talking about seeing each other in real life and I was happy about that, too. I really wanted to see him but now I'm not so sure. At first I wanted to go meet him in his country but I'm really glad I waited and thought it through because now I realize that would have been a terrible idea. I don't know what he's like in real life. Being in a foreign country and temporarily living with someone I technically don't know is very dangerous and scary. But now he wants to come visit ME because he wants to see the USA and me. I always get nervous talking about it because I don't think I'm ready to do that. I feel pressured because he went and got a passport without telling me he was going to. I feel like I'm being forced to let him come visit me and I don't want it. I feel terrible saying no, though, because I always would say things like "I can't wait to see you!" "it's gonna be so much fun" and "I can't wait to hug/kiss you for the first time." ...but now I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel that excitement. I don't know what's come over me but I think about this more often than not. I feel like I've made a mistake getting into this relationship... I shouldn't have taken it this far. I want and need to leave but I don't know how. I don't know how he's going to react and I'm scared. I'm thinking he might be a manipulator because he always tells me how lucky he is to have me, how pretty or cute I am, how much he loves me and how he's afraid to lose me because all the good things in his life eventually go away. I think he's is guilt tripping me into staying, either intentionally or unintenionally. He's gonna make me feel terrible for what I'm doing, what I've done, etc. but I feel like I need to do what's best for me. He's even talked about living with me and spending his life with me and I find that unacceptable. I can't do that. I'm only 18 and I need to have my own life before I share one with somebody else. I don't think I can stay and I don't know if we can just talk it out because I'm feeling pretty strongly about leaving. I've told him I'd never leave him but now I've changed my mind and I feel like a monster for wanting to go. He's told me he never has anything good in his life and I'm the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. I think he'd be devastated if I left and I don't want to ruin his life but I'm ruining mine by staying. Sometimes you just gotta be a little selfish, right...? This is too tough for a first relationship... I've never been involved in something so serious and I don't think I can handle it. :'(
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