I want to leave my boyfriend but I feel trapped
(I wrote this yesterday but I wanted to share it here today, I'm sorry it's so long, I just want to vent and maybe get a little advice.)
I'm in a long distance relationship. The age difference is pretty strong; I'm 18 going on 19 this year and he's 27 going on 28. I didn't think this was a problem at first because after all, age is just a number, right? I was fine with it but it's becoming harder and harder to deal with because we really aren't on the same 'wavelength' due to the difference. I like a lot of the things he doesn't like so I keep quiet about liking them; if he mentions something he hates but I like, I just go along with it like "haha yeah, I hate it too"
I might be mature for my age, but I still think like a teenager (to quote a certain therapist I had.) I'm still similar to other people my age and I don't think the same way a 'real adult' does. I feel like I'm being forced to grow up when I should really enjoy my life the way I want to while I can.
For a while I've been feeling odd about my relationship and yesterday I've finally made my decision to leave... but it's not so simple. I feel like I'm in too deep now and I feel like I've been emotionally/mentally manipulated. I don't know what to do but I want to go back to living my life the way it was, even though it was really boring. He's making me feel like I have to change everything about myself to make him stay. My religion, my personal values... He's keeping me from freely talking about my them because he makes me feel like they're silly but I know they're not.
I've been feeling uncomfortable for a while but I feel like I've accidentally led him on so I feel terrible trying to bring the manipulation up because I don't want to seem like hypocrite or something. It's not like I don't love him, it's just that I've just finally cleared my head and I've changed my mind about everything.
Whenever I'm alone I think about all these things and I question every part of the relationship, but when I talk to him again I feel good and like it's right and I'm just overthinking things... and then when he goes to bed (the time zone difference) I start thinking about it again.
The beginning of the relationship was wonderful. I felt great, he felt great. I had a crush on him for so long and he finally tells me he loves me and wants to be in a relationship but now I feel like things are going too fast.
For a long time we've talked about going places like New Zealand, Japan, etc. and even then it seemed to me like it would never happen but we were excited anyway. We kept talking about seeing each other in real life and I was happy about that, too. I really wanted to see him but now I'm not so sure. At first I wanted to go meet him in his country but I'm really glad I waited and thought it through because now I realize that would have been a terrible idea. I don't know what he's like in real life. Being in a foreign country and temporarily living with someone I technically don't know is very dangerous and scary.
But now he wants to come visit ME because he wants to see the USA and me. I always get nervous talking about it because I don't think I'm ready to do that.
I feel pressured because he went and got a passport without telling me he was going to. I feel like I'm being forced to let him come visit me and I don't want it. I feel terrible saying no, though, because I always would say things like "I can't wait to see you!" "it's gonna be so much fun" and "I can't wait to hug/kiss you for the first time."
...but now I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel that excitement. I don't know what's come over me but I think about this more often than not. I feel like I've made a mistake getting into this relationship... I shouldn't have taken it this far. I want and need to leave but I don't know how. I don't know how he's going to react and I'm scared.
I'm thinking he might be a manipulator because he always tells me how lucky he is to have me, how pretty or cute I am, how much he loves me and how he's afraid to lose me because all the good things in his life eventually go away. I think he's is guilt tripping me into staying, either intentionally or unintenionally.
He's gonna make me feel terrible for what I'm doing, what I've done, etc. but I feel like I need to do what's best for me.
He's even talked about living with me and spending his life with me and I find that unacceptable. I can't do that. I'm only 18 and I need to have my own life before I share one with somebody else. I don't think I can stay and I don't know if we can just talk it out because I'm feeling pretty strongly about leaving.
I've told him I'd never leave him but now I've changed my mind and I feel like a monster for wanting to go. He's told me he never has anything good in his life and I'm the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. I think he'd be devastated if I left and I don't want to ruin his life but I'm ruining mine by staying. Sometimes you just gotta be a little selfish, right...?
This is too tough for a first relationship... I've never been involved in something so serious and I don't think I can handle it. :'(
@crimsonGrapefruit4935 hii! :) a relationship involves two people and doesn't just have to be about one person. You are still young and you have so many things to enjoy and learn at your age. You can't skip all that and move to his age because thats what he wants. I know how hard it is to know that this isn't the relationship for you yet walking away is so difficult. Its really complicated. But you matter! You need to ne happy. So if you are not happy and he doesn't even realize there's a problem then you need to think twice. I wish you all the best -hugs-
@Laks1 you make a really good point <3 Thank you, I feel a little better now :)
@crimsonGrapefruit4935
I think I can offer you a different perspective that you may appreciate. When I was twenty-five I dated someone who was nineteen. He was my first boyfriend and I loved him dearly. Even though we had an age gap, we seemed to match up with similar interests in the beginning. Unfortunately, as you said, nineteen is still young and to make a long story short, he lacked the ability to maintain a mature and honest relationship (not saying all nineteen olds are like that or that you are, I'm just pointing out the differences in mind and emotional stability). He and I dated for five years and I went through a lot of pain from his emotional inconsistencies. We unknowingly grew apart until one day, he left. There was no message, no conversation, he was just gone. It was one of the most painful events of my life, because of the way he left. If he had just came to me and told me how he felt, it would have saved me a lot of pain. Instead he took the easy way out, and I still have trust issues from it to this day from it.
My advice to you? If you aren't happy, tell him. Yes, it's going to hurt him. Yes, he could very well have had poor luck in life like I have. However there is nothing more painful than loving someone who doesn't love you. It's okay to grow apart and honestly, he really shouldn't blame you. You're still finding yourself and sometimes relationships end. That's not your fault but continuing to rely on his love and support when you know you aren't happy, is just hurting the both of you. By continuing to do so, you will begin to resent him.
I always tell anyone this when contemplating a breakup: If your mind is made up and you are sure that it is over, the most loving thing you can do now is let him go. He'll be alright and so will you. You need to focus on yourself and your own happiness, just let him go lovingly.
I hope my experience helped with your decision. Good luck and take care! 
@TrueArrow that is really helpful, thank you so much for the advice!! it definitely helps me better understand his side. It's really hard for me to do this but you're right. Tomorrow I might tell him how I feel.
