I don't need meds, I have a reason to be sad

Things get buried on this sub because I guess there are a ton of miserable people (valid) so I know this might get buried too, but whatever. I'm embarrassed to be back on this site again, but I have no friends and I'm done with taking meds and I need to get this off my chest. I have reasons why I feel the way I feel- even if those feelings are inconvienent this big dystopian capitalist selfish 'haha! i'm GREAT!' society. Meds to numb me out and make me productive are actually keeping me stuck- turns out we have feelings for a reason.

I've been horrificaly alone and unable to connect with others despite decades of effort and the people that I used to rely on to lift me up- they've changed so much, they're like all the other strangers I can't connect to. It's very hard to care about yourself when no one actually cares for you in the way that you need to be cared for. And asking for what I need is met with misunderstandings and minimal effort from others, so I'm left at the start again or worse. When no one wakes you up in the morning and no one waits for you at night, what do you call that- freedom or loneliness? I want my mother, father, god, whatever- but when I look around and up, all I see is emptiness.

I don't need meds. 

I don't need alcohol or knives or to buy new shiny things or travel. I don't need to change the way I look and I don't need small talk. I don't need to be told to breathe or smile or be grateful. I don't need Jesus or sex or drugs. I don't need endless entertainment.

I just need a hug and a hand to hold. I need someone to share things with. 

I need someone who won't invalidate my feelings/make fun of me/text 'i miss u' and then ghost me for weeks without apology over and over again for years/look at me like a failed science experiment/respond with 'go talk to your therapist' multiple times instead of bothering to try. I know I can be a lot- or maybe I'm actually not a lot.

Maybe the things I want are actually simple and I'm being reasonable and the reason I feel insane isn't because of some chemical imbalance but rather decades of trauma and loneliness and *** 'friends' and *** circumstances.

Maybe I need to feel the pain to know there is something wrong with my life so I can actually do something about it.

Okay, rant over. Time to actually try to do my job today- for the sake of the kids (whose futures, I fear, are doomed- but hope is a violent thing. So, I'm going to drag myself through the day despite all this doomed absurdity because hope won't quit hurting me.)