disappointedpenguin Member Profile

I feel hopeless

Relationship Stress / by disappointedpenguin

November 14th, 2022

Mother's day depression

Depression Support / by disappointedpenguin

May 13th, 2022

...See more Most of us have suffered some form of abuse from our parents. Some more than others, I'm not discounting any one here. So let me tell you my story. My mom use to attempt "suicide" almost on a yearly basis since I was around 12 years old. (And the reason why "suicide" is written like that is because she did it for attention, she was never really serious about it.) Throughout most of my teenage years I went through tremendous emotional abuse. Often leading into physical abuse. There were days where I wasn't allowed privacy or allowed food. My life was threatened more than once. In my late teens I was subjected to a lot of pressure from my mother who wanted to mold me into herself. I was never good enough for her, always the black sheep in my family. My grades were not good enough, so I was always a convo starter: "Yeah my daughter is so dumb, I have to pay for extra classes." or "Yeah she failed again, I don't understand why she can't be like her sister." Back in those times I was in manic depression, ready to snap at any given moment. Until I started with University, and I thought I had freedom. It only got worse and worse, day after day the abuse just got worse. The amount of trauma I have from my younger years is scary. But then came the fateful day, my own mother held us hostage for three hours (after we tried fleeing when she went manic, with a lot of aggressive behaviour) She use to stalk me, use to show up at my work and University. She would not stop her attacks. She eventually assaulted my sister, and that was the last straw for me. She had assaulted me on numerous occasions and places. But today (after trying for a few years to rebuild a relationship) she went manic again. Blamed a lot of things on my again, and I decided that I have had enough. This woman is not my mother, she has disowned me 5 times already. This woman is not fit to be called a mother, not in my books. I came to the conclusion that I have wonderful female rolemodels in my life already, who have been more of a mother to me. So Happy mother's day to those who actually care. Happy Mother's day to all who nurture and care for others, who protect the frail. Happy Mother's day to those who don't have a mother that they can share this day with. Happy Mother's day to the Mother's who can't celebrate this day with their children. We are not alone, even with our trauma, there are people in this world who truly care about us.

I guess this is an introduction?

Self-Harm Recovery / by disappointedpenguin

April 29th, 2022

Relationships and body dismorphia anxiety

Anxiety Support / by disappointedpenguin

April 25th, 2022

...See more So to start this off, let me introduce myself first. I can't give you my name, but call me penguin. I am 25 years old and from South Africa. I have been in a relationship with my partner for the past 2 years and 2 months. I found out that my partner was busy cheating on me. Buying photo's of other woman, and commenting on them that makes me feel like I'm not even second best. I struggle with chronic cluster like migraines and it has become a daily struggle for me the past 8 weeks, constant pain without relief. My biggest fear is that I am not good enough as a woman, not pretty enough nor skinny enough. I've developed a relapse in my eating disorder again. I feel immense anxiety every time that I look at myself. I feel worthless and useless, like the world would be a better place without me. My anxiety is increased every time I have to get out of bed to work, because I'm scared people will see the harm that I have done to myself. I get frequent anxiety attacks that keep me up at night. My life use to be amazing, full of adventure and excitement. But these days I struggle to even comb my hair or get dressed. It's a classic definition of depression. My anxiety is one of the causes of my chronic pain, and I am struggling with ways to cope. To give you a little bit of a back story, my mother was a Narcissist (for those that don't know what this is, it's not a pretty disorder). She use to project all her insecurities onto me, told me that I would never accomplish anything in this life. I did not have a childhood, my childhood was a nightmare of emotional and physical abuse. Most of my anxiety comes from that. In my early twenties I was in a very bad abusive relationship (I will not go into detail about this because it might trigger some people). I made wrong choices in partners. People who took advantage of me. That caused a lot of social anxiety for me as a young woman. I struggled with Anorexia for 10 years, and eventually went to Rehab to get professional help for my eating disorder and depression. I was finally healthy, living a good life. Until I found out what my partner was doing behind my back, lying to me and hiding things from me. My anxiety is formed around my own body, about my own self. I struggle to talk to family and friends about these things because I don't want to drag them down into this dark hole. My anxiety is toxic and I realize the damage that it is causing to my life. I love my job, I have a wonderful job but I struggle to find the energy to work because I cannot sleep. My anxiety keeps me awake, it looms over my shoulder like a sinister voice. But there is one thing that I have learnt in this life, that there is always a way out. No matter how hard you must fight, there is always something that is worth fighting for. Mine is my dearest baby, a little hedgehog that I adopted a year ago from an abusive background. He keeps me going some days, and I know that he relies on me to take care of him and love him. It's such a silly little thing, but it helps having something that loves you unconditionally. Have a photo of my little Franklin bean. Fast asleep in his comfort hat (yes, it's a hat not a blanket.)

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