Relationships and body dismorphia anxiety

So to start this off, let me introduce myself first.

I can't give you my name, but call me penguin. I am 25 years old and from South Africa.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the past 2 years and 2 months. I found out that my partner was busy cheating on me.

Buying photo's of other woman, and commenting on them that makes me feel like I'm not even second best.

I struggle with chronic cluster like migraines and it has become a daily struggle for me the past 8 weeks, constant pain without relief.

My biggest fear is that I am not good enough as a woman, not pretty enough nor skinny enough. I've developed a relapse in my eating disorder again. I feel immense anxiety every time that I look at myself. I feel worthless and useless, like the world would be a better place without me.

My anxiety is increased every time I have to get out of bed to work, because I'm scared people will see the harm that I have done to myself. I get frequent anxiety attacks that keep me up at night.

My life use to be amazing, full of adventure and excitement. But these days I struggle to even comb my hair or get dressed. It's a classic definition of depression.

My anxiety is one of the causes of my chronic pain, and I am struggling with ways to cope.

To give you a little bit of a back story, my mother was a Narcissist (for those that don't know what this is, it's not a pretty disorder). She use to project all her insecurities onto me, told me that I would never accomplish anything in this life. I did not have a childhood, my childhood was a nightmare of emotional and physical abuse. Most of my anxiety comes from that.

In my early twenties I was in a very bad abusive relationship (I will not go into detail about this because it might trigger some people). I made wrong choices in partners. People who took advantage of me.

That caused a lot of social anxiety for me as a young woman.

I struggled with Anorexia for 10 years, and eventually went to Rehab to get professional help for my eating disorder and depression. I was finally healthy, living a good life.

Until I found out what my partner was doing behind my back, lying to me and hiding things from me.

My anxiety is formed around my own body, about my own self. I struggle to talk to family and friends about these things because I don't want to drag them down into this dark hole. My anxiety is toxic and I realize the damage that it is causing to my life.

I love my job, I have a wonderful job but I struggle to find the energy to work because I cannot sleep. My anxiety keeps me awake, it looms over my shoulder like a sinister voice.

But there is one thing that I have learnt in this life, that there is always a way out. No matter how hard you must fight, there is always something that is worth fighting for.

Mine is my dearest baby, a little hedgehog that I adopted a year ago from an abusive background. He keeps me going some days, and I know that he relies on me to take care of him and love him. It's such a silly little thing, but it helps having something that loves you unconditionally.

Have a photo of my little Franklin bean. Fast asleep in his comfort hat (yes, it's a hat not a blanket.)