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dynamicMelon8817
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts57 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2025 Member sinceJuly 26, 2025
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Feeling horrible with pocd
OCD & Related Behaviors / by dynamicMelon8817
Last post
 August 14th, 2025
...See more 19(F) I used to read smut aka dark romance in early teens. I remember in one story the man would maritally rape a girl but I'll just enjoy that scene bcz it would be erotic. Back then I didn't realize that those characters are bad bcz of how common it is on WhatsApp. Slowly when I turned sixteen, I stopped reading those things or liking them at all. But now three years later I'm battling POCD and my brain says that in one of those dark romance stories there was a scene where a little boy was raped and I enjoyed reading it. I don't remember enjoying it or finding it erotic bcz it was a backstory which had a murder taking place next moment. But I'm panicking ever since that I'm a pedophile so badly. I don't remember at all and I'm going crazy with guilt, shame and being scared of being a monster in future.  There is one more story on wattpad that I enjoyed a lot in which a detective went on to punish a pedophile. I remember liking that story a lot bcz of its mysterious plotlines but that story had some graphic scenes and my brain says I found it erotic when I don't remember anything like that at all. I don't remember my reaction at all while reading those scenes but I'm just going crazy
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Feeling horrible with pocd
20 & Over / by dynamicMelon8817
Last post
 August 22nd, 2025
...See more 19(F) I used to read smut aka dark romance in early teens. I remember in one story the man would maritally rape a girl but I'll just enjoy that scene bcz it would be erotic. Back then I didn't realize that those characters are bad bcz of how common it is on WhatsApp. Slowly when I turned sixteen, I stopped reading those things or liking them at all. But now three years later I'm battling POCD and my brain says that in one of those dark romance stories there was a scene where a little boy was raped and I enjoyed reading it. I don't remember enjoying it or finding it erotic bcz it was a backstory which had a murder taking place next moment. But I'm panicking ever since that I'm a pedophile so badly. I don't remember at all and I'm going crazy with guilt, shame and being scared of being a monster in future.  There is one more story on wattpad that I enjoyed a lot in which a detective went on to punish a pedophile. I remember liking that story a lot bcz of its mysterious plotlines but that story had some graphic scenes and my brain says I found it erotic when I don't remember anything like that at all. I don't remember my reaction at all while reading those scenes but I'm just going crazy
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I need diagnosis
OCD & Related Behaviors / by dynamicMelon8817
Last post
 August 8th, 2025
...See more I can't afford therapy bcz I belong from a third world country. It's a luxury I can't afford and my thoughts are getting more and more horrible with everyday. I fear turning a monster one day with all these thoughts bcz I live an isolated life after completing my high school and whole day my brain just whispers nonsense. Every evil person on earth had some trauma in childhood that made them that way. I fear this will turn me into a similar horrible person.  I fear being a pedophile, being a homosexual, being trans, being a cannibal and it is just getting worst every passing day. I fear becoming a monster and I don't understand anything that's happening with me. I self diagnosed myself with OCD after reading everything about it on internet but my brain says that every disease on google feels real so you don't have OCD instead you really are horrible, so just accept it. I don't know anything that's happening with me. Can any professional here offer me free diagnosis? 
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Feeling horrible with pocd
OCD & Related Behaviors / by dynamicMelon8817
Last post
 June 14th
...See more I'm a nineteen year old girl. I liked a celebrity like actually I felt that celebrity was quite attractive. I was just going through a random thread of that celebrity's childhood pictures on Twitter And I found him attractive and well dressed in those too. But at the same moment my brain says that I'm a pedo and I feel disgusted with myself. I don't know but I can't deny that he looked attractive always but at the same time I don't want to be a pedo. I do think that it bcz I know the grown up 25 year old version of him that I felt attracted too so it's natural to find him attractive in any age but I also feel paranoid. Before I used to find any boy pretty, I never fretted over it being bad or anything but just moved on but now I feel scared of finding any baby or child pretty. I just don't understand how to sit with this uncertainty when I know that I did find that xyz boy beautiful. I just feel horrible about myself.  I get so scared upon finding any boy in mid teens beautiful but I do know that I find them beautiful but I don't want it to be anything deeper than that but I feel like it is although I don't want it to be. I just don't understand this bcz I never thought about any of this deeply. Ever since I realized that I'm an adult and have a responsibility to not be bad with youngsters and be a pedophile, I started fearing everything including finding mid teenagers beautiful
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