Feeling horrible with pocd

19(F)

I used to read smut aka dark romance in early teens. I remember in one story the man would maritally rape a girl but I'll just enjoy that scene bcz it would be erotic. Back then I didn't realize that those characters are bad bcz of how common it is on WhatsApp. Slowly when I turned sixteen, I stopped reading those things or liking them at all. But now three years later I'm battling POCD and my brain says that in one of those dark romance stories there was a scene where a little boy was raped and I enjoyed reading it. I don't remember enjoying it or finding it erotic bcz it was a backstory which had a murder taking place next moment. But I'm panicking ever since that I'm a pedophile so badly. I don't remember at all and I'm going crazy with guilt, shame and being scared of being a monster in future. 

There is one more story on wattpad that I enjoyed a lot in which a detective went on to punish a pedophile. I remember liking that story a lot bcz of its mysterious plotlines but that story had some graphic scenes and my brain says I found it erotic when I don't remember anything like that at all. I don't remember my reaction at all while reading those scenes but I'm just going crazy