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energeticSummer2540
1 186 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts18 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2018 Member sinceNovember 28, 2017
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Can someone help me understand if I am demisexual or graysexual?
Relationship Stress / by energeticSummer2540
Last post
 December 22nd, 2017
...See more I have come across these terms in LGBT forums, but I hesitate to insert myself there because I am heterosexual, and it seems rude to intrude. I think this may be the answer to half of my marital sex problems. I have generally only enjoyed sexual relationships when the man crafts an experience for me (takes the lead, focuses on creating a good time for me, etc.), whereas I know that some men (including the one I married) see it as only fair that the sexual division of labor be more equitable, or more weighted on the woman's side. They want to light some candles, lie back, and have someone craft an experience for them. Are we possibly both graysexual? I can't tell if it is simply a matter of misfortune (though it seems funny to phrase it that way) that my first few partners were happy to take the lead, one of them even mentioning that "the point of sex is to please the woman," and that these formative years made me fall into lazy, entitled habits, or if I am in some special category such as "graysexual," by nature.
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Is there a way to turn off the feature that sends canned messages to my inbox?
Site Updates / by energeticSummer2540
Last post
 December 22nd, 2017
...See more Every day (sometimes, twice per day), I receive what appear to be canned messages from various bots. They offer general encouragement, ask me how I'm doing, etc. I am not so lacking in friends that I am trying to make robot friends. Is there a way to turn off that feature?
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Should we bother to talk about sex?
Relationship Stress / by energeticSummer2540
Last post
 December 18th, 2017
...See more I have been married for nine years and dated my husband for two years before we were married. We have never had strong sexual chemistry; I tried doing things "his way" early in our relationship, and then crashed, becoming angry that it was so one sided. We did still have sex, though, and it was occasionally satisfying to both of us. Eight years ago, we began having a large amount of mutually unsatisfying sex in order to conceive a child; that took a year and a half. A couple of months after I gave birth, we entered a semi-satisfying period of occasional sex and making out. One reason it was nice was that we both thought that since I was recovering from childbirth, sex should be my way. I didn't even feel guilty about it. After that brief renaissance, sex gradually became less and less frequent, until it became a "once every several months" thing. I believe the last time we had sex was about a year and a half ago (four years after I gave birth, for those who are counting forward). For a few months of our current period of celibacy, we were living in cramped quarters with friends, but we no longer have such an excuse. Our celibacy is about 60% my decision. In parallel (and prior) to all this, we have my husband's porn habit. It took a couple of years for me to realize what was happening, and for a long time, I felt angry and hurt about it -- and told him so. (There are many factors here; I would not be crazy about any porn habit, but when I stumbled upon evidence of his preferences online, I was turned off, also, by the type of porn it was and the comments he shared with other site users on the porn sharing site. It made me feel less close to him than ever to realize how disgusted I was by his favorite things, and by his sexual voice.) Actually, I am still a little angry and hurt about it, but the last time I (again, accidentally -- we share a computer) realized he was still at it, I acknowledged that it wasn't my business anymore. I no longer mention my hurt feelings to him. What I did attempt, a few months ago, was to mention sex generally, and my own sexuality in particular, just because I wanted to talk about it. My friends don't discuss sex in front of me (or maybe at all), so my husband is all I have. He shut me down entirely, refusing to answer until I said, "You really don't like to talk about sex, do you?" He answered, "No, I really don't." He did add that he would like to one day have sex again, but did not expand upon it. My husband is surprisingly great in other ways. We co-parent well, and he is very supportive of anything I do. We like to watch TV and eat snacks together, which means we are both now also fat. It is hard to say if this would be a barrier, since we are so far from even discussing sex. I am worried about our life 10-20 years from now, when we are no longer greatly focused on parenting. I really think the best likely outcome would be continued, celibate companionship. Since the sex situation is so hopeless, is it silly and selfish to want to discuss it with him, for the purpose of sorting through my feelings, even though it solves nothing? I am torn between wanting to give him a break because he works hard and doesn't ask for much (except not to talk about sex), and thinking being allowed to talk about it is my marital right.
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