Should we bother to talk about sex?
I have been married for nine years and dated my husband for two years before we were married. We have never had strong sexual chemistry; I tried doing things "his way" early in our relationship, and then crashed, becoming angry that it was so one sided. We did still have sex, though, and it was occasionally satisfying to both of us. Eight years ago, we began having a large amount of mutually unsatisfying sex in order to conceive a child; that took a year and a half. A couple of months after I gave birth, we entered a semi-satisfying period of occasional sex and making out. One reason it was nice was that we both thought that since I was recovering from childbirth, sex should be my way. I didn't even feel guilty about it. After that brief renaissance, sex gradually became less and less frequent, until it became a "once every several months" thing. I believe the last time we had sex was about a year and a half ago (four years after I gave birth, for those who are counting forward). For a few months of our current period of celibacy, we were living in cramped quarters with friends, but we no longer have such an excuse. Our celibacy is about 60% my decision.
In parallel (and prior) to all this, we have my husband's porn habit. It took a couple of years for me to realize what was happening, and for a long time, I felt angry and hurt about it -- and told him so. (There are many factors here; I would not be crazy about any porn habit, but when I stumbled upon evidence of his preferences online, I was turned off, also, by the type of porn it was and the comments he shared with other site users on the porn sharing site. It made me feel less close to him than ever to realize how disgusted I was by his favorite things, and by his sexual voice.) Actually, I am still a little angry and hurt about it, but the last time I (again, accidentally -- we share a computer) realized he was still at it, I acknowledged that it wasn't my business anymore. I no longer mention my hurt feelings to him.
What I did attempt, a few months ago, was to mention sex generally, and my own sexuality in particular, just because I wanted to talk about it. My friends don't discuss sex in front of me (or maybe at all), so my husband is all I have. He shut me down entirely, refusing to answer until I said, "You really don't like to talk about sex, do you?" He answered, "No, I really don't." He did add that he would like to one day have sex again, but did not expand upon it.
My husband is surprisingly great in other ways. We co-parent well, and he is very supportive of anything I do. We like to watch TV and eat snacks together, which means we are both now also fat. It is hard to say if this would be a barrier, since we are so far from even discussing sex.
I am worried about our life 10-20 years from now, when we are no longer greatly focused on parenting. I really think the best likely outcome would be continued, celibate companionship. Since the sex situation is so hopeless, is it silly and selfish to want to discuss it with him, for the purpose of sorting through my feelings, even though it solves nothing? I am torn between wanting to give him a break because he works hard and doesn't ask for much (except not to talk about sex), and thinking being allowed to talk about it is my marital right.
Being married doesn't necessarily require sex. If you both feel more at peace and more comfortable by just leaving it be and not trying to force a sexual relationship with each other, then that's fine.
@energeticSummer2540
if i were your husband, i'd be giving you all the sex talk you want. but then again, most females, i talk to, don't really want to talk about sex. so meh, it would seem like some sort of April Fool's or trap, to meet a female who actually wants to talk about sex with me. lol. would be so suspicious that i'd refuse th offer unless i knew the woman well enough, to make sure i aint being set up.
but yeah, as dudes get older, they tend to not want sex much, i think. which is a relief, really, because that stuff gets them in a lot of trouble; or at least it gets me into a lot of trouble. when he gets to that age, he'd be a happy man, free from urges. i would be happy for him who would be living out his life to the fullest without distractions.
@redCanine3669
"most females, i talk to, don't really want to talk about sex. so meh, it would seem like some sort of April Fool's or trap, to meet a female who actually wants to talk about sex with me."
This is actually because women in most of our societies, regardless of country, are bombarded with sexual objectification. This means that a lot of women, not all, are constantly bombarded with men and even other women hitting on them, sexually harassing, and attempting to talk to them sexually even before a name is requested. When online, it's far worse than even in person. This is why it's difficult for you to find a female open to talking about sex, because your average woman online has thousands upon thousands of invites to discuss exactly that.
"but yeah, as dudes get older, they tend to not want sex much, i think."
Actually, this is due to the loss of testosterone as men age but there are many men who can have sex well into their elder years. Frequency can decline but, you will find that men who are healthy, eat right, exercise, maintain a healthy weight, and have healthy relationships tend to have sex more frequently than their counterparts. So, not ALL men lose a desire for sex as they age - that is a myth.
@Sventek
"This is why it's difficult for you to find a female open to talking about sex."
who said i was searching? that statement came across as a very very personal, offensive, and rude assumption. your post seemed to also be targeted on my post, rather than the thread. I did not ask for explanations, moreso opinion, to my personal experiences.
so please understand why I would feel less entitled to even continue reading your post.
@redCanine3669 Please read my message to Sventec about both your of your concerns. :) Happy weekend!
@ChangeofPerspective
no thank you. again, this thread should be focused on addressing the initial poster's issue. any post (outside of that) is distracting, offensive, and disrespectful to me and the original poster.
if i have any sexual issues, then i will respectfully make my own thread and would be happy to then accept feedback and opinions. elsewise, i will not be reading any posts derailing and disrespecting this thread's initial purpose; as i've been unapologetically offended and attacked in this thread already.
@redCanine3669 I respect your feelings. I was doing what I thought might help bring it back on topic. Have a nice evening.
@Sventek We all should be careful not to make generalizations. In the context of the thread, this is about a couple. In the context of women, many enjoy talking about sexuality in neutral, or dating situations. Do I like being sexted randomly? Heck no. I just learned to shut it down, and I have PTSD triggered by threatening situations with men. Yet, I still can handle myself and think Im fairly common. Other women may not be...
Nobody need take offense here. Were answering a question for a married woman who wants to address speaking with her husband, but is unsure. Its important to support her by answering with empathy. Cheers and happy weekend!
@energeticSummer2540
When you are in a relationship, you and your partner should talk about sex regularly unless you have both agreed not to and are happy with that. If you are disatisfied with the level of communication about sex and sexuality, bring it up! Let him know your needs are not being met. It is his job to talk about it with you about it for the same reason you have been respecting his wish NOT to talk about it.