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foIieadeux
1 130 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2022 Member sinceApril 28, 2018
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i can’t get him out of my head or even my life
Trauma Support / by foIieadeux
Last post
 February 22nd, 2022
...See more i recently left a group chat with some friends because a) i’m having a depressive episode and i need to Isolate™ but also because they’re a connection to him because he used to be our mutual friend the ”used to be” is not quite that simple tho, i mean i’m not friends with him anymore or in touch with him in any way, but some of my friends are, if not good friends then at least like, acquintances still? except for one of them who used to date him and is still good friends with him, and honestly she’s the biggest reason why i still feel so connected to him and like i can’t get him out of my life and i hate this entire situation because i don’t want to not be friends with them, they’re good people and i care about them, and i don’t want to give him the power to take that away from me too, but at this point i don’t really know what else to do before you ask, no i’m not getting therapy for this; i have mentioned it to my doctors a couple times but very offhandedly so they haven’t really taken notice, and then i tried to actually bring it up last year with my doctor but they pretty much just brushed it off since i already suffer from an anxiety disorder, which apparently is the same thing my whole psych contact thing has been very on and off for years anyway, it’s never really gotten anywhere, next month i have my first appointment with my new psych nurse but i don’t know if a) i’ll be able to bring it up again and b) if it’s gonna go anywhere even if i do bring it up i’ve also been thinking about reporting him for a while now, but things never went far enough to have any physical evidence i don’t think (i was asleep, and iirc the doctors afterwards said they didn’t find any evidence, but i have requested for my patient files and reports from that time so i’ll see what they say), so the only evidence i really have is the record of me getting checked out, and my messages both with him and some friends i’ve talked to about it, and i don’t think any of it would be enough also it’s been over 4 years, and the justice system, and the police force too, is so shit i’m not sure they’d even look into it, let alone that it’d ever go to court or anything so idk reporting him just seems like a completely hopeless and pointless idea, and i think it’d just end up with it really going nowhere, and instead him getting mad at me about it (as if he didn’t blame me for it enough when it happened already) and possibly our mutual friends (or more like ex friends since i’m not really in touch with most of them either, just this one smaller group i was in a group chat with, partly because i can’t join a bigger group chat due to him being there) finding out and also blaming me for it or accusing me or making it up or whatever idk i can’t really talk about it to anyone and i can’t really report him or like get any sort of justice or closure and i just feel so stuck and i hate that it still gets to me this much and affects so many parts of my life, and i don’t know how to not let him do that to me, i don’t know how to get over it and i hate being this bitter about it, more and more often i find myself actually wishing he was dead, and i’m so mad at him and i’m also bitter at my friends (especially one of them) for not actively choosing me over him, because it feels like either they don’t really believe me or they just don’t care i’m so mad at him for what he did, and for blaming me for it and accusing me of lying and gaslighting me (because apparently it was just a misunderstanding lol) and expecting us to be friends like nothing ever happened and i’m really fucking sad because i actually considered him a good friend, and he betrayed that friendship and he betrayed my trust in him, and it really fucked with my ability to trust people (which was Not Great to begin with) and it really fucked with so many things when it comes to how i identify and how i feel about myself, i feel so broken and damaged and just so unsure about everything, i just feel wrong and i hate feeling like this, i hate feeling like he’s never gonna really be out of my life and he’s never gonna be out of my head and i’m so scared i’m just always going to feel like this and i’m never gonna really feel okay again idk what the point of all this was and idk if any of it even makes sense, i’m just so exhausted and in pain and idk what to do about it or what to do about myself i just want all of this to stop
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My friend is dating my abuser
Trauma Support / by foIieadeux
Last post
 October 13th, 2018
...See more At first it was just a casual thing between them and i already hated it then, but i didnt say anything, and now theyre actually in a relationship and she seems to genuinely like him and be happy with him. And obviously i want her to be happy. Shes my friend, and i love her, and i know i should just shove aside all the negative feelings i have about him, and just be happy for her. Especially since we have mutual friends, and i may have to be around him anyway. But i have no idea how to do that. I know i should have no say in who she dates, its her life and her choice, but at the same time its really hurting me, i hate that even knowing my history with him she still decided to date him, and she keeps talking about him in our group chat, and every time she mentions him i feel like i die a little bit inside. I want to be selfish and tell her to please not be with him, why does it have to be him, or at least please stop talking about him because i dont want to hear it, but i know thats not really fair to her. Its just feels like such an impossible situation, i feel so conflicted about the whole thing because shes happy and i want to be happy for her, i really do, but i dont know how, and i dont know what to do in this situation.
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I don't know how to deal with this
Trauma Support / by foIieadeux
Last post
 August 3rd, 2018
...See more Im still very new to this whole 7Cups thing and god, theres so many categories and subcategories and I wasnt a 100 percent sure where to post, but this seemed like a generic enough area for this sort of topic to post this here. Im just gonna copypaste what I posted elsewhere a couple weeks ago; I still have a hard time admitting something happened and an even harder time convincing myself that what happened wasnt okay, that it wasnt my own fault, that Im not just overreacting. I wasnt raped, but... stuff happened and its been months and Im still hung up on it. It happened with a friend after a night out, we were both drunk and high and I went with it at first but then I didnt and I told him to stop and he was reluctant but he did stop. But then later I kept falling in an out of consciousness and he started doing things again, touching me and making me touch him and forcing his fingers in my mouth (idk what that was about?) and think I remember telling him no but I couldnt focus and he kept doing things and I think I kind of just froze and pretended to sleep, hoping he would stop but he didnt and then I kind of just passed out I guess. We talked about it afterwards and he said it was all consensual which, you know, he would, but at the same time hes supposed to be a good guy, weve been friends for a bit now and Ive felt like I can trust him and hes one of the people one of my best friends trusts the most in the entire world. And I mean, I was really out of it so maybe I did consent and just dont remember and nothing even like, really happened, and I always feel like Im overreacting and everythings supposed to be fine now but I just cant get over it still. Anyway. Since this happened, weve been in touch still because we do have a mutual friend group. Ive seen him a few times, exchanged a few messages here and there on the group that. I never said anything and I was mostly fine, I guess, but every now and then hed make a stupid joke or a sexual comment to someone and Id feel a little sick. But like I said, I never said anything and I pretended everything was fine. And then a couple weeks ago he sent me a friend request on facebook. That really threw me off, because I hadnt realized he thought we were back to being that level of friends. That I was okay with what happened. That it had all been just a big misunderstanding, and we were all good now. Since then Ive been a complete mess. With his friend request everything kind of just came flooding back and I dont think Id realized how much it had really affected me until now. I cant stop thinking about it, I cant stop thinking about him, I feel like Im kind of in a constant fight or flight mode and Ive been thinking about, considering, planning suicide more seriously than I have in a long time. I did end up deleting his friend request and I left the group chat he was in, but because of the mutual friends its hard to cut him out of my life completely. A few of my friends know what happened and theyre on my side, but I cant tell the others, partly because were not really that close that I could and Im also afraid that they wouldnt believe me, that theyd think I was lying or exaggerating and that theyd take his side. Were not super close, but I still dont wanna lose them. I dont think I have any other choice, though, because I dont think I can spend time with them if hes gonna be there. Before you ask, I do have a psych contact for my depression and other issues, but its all still very early because Ive been putting off getting help and Im not sure if Im gonna be able to talk about this there. Sorry about the long message, I just dont know what to do.
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