I don't know how to deal with this
Im still very new to this whole 7Cups thing and god, theres so many categories and subcategories and I wasnt a 100 percent sure where to post, but this seemed like a generic enough area for this sort of topic to post this here.
Im just gonna copypaste what I posted elsewhere a couple weeks ago;
I still have a hard time admitting something happened and an even harder time convincing myself that what happened wasnt okay, that it wasnt my own fault, that Im not just overreacting.
I wasnt raped, but... stuff happened and its been months and Im still hung up on it. It happened with a friend after a night out, we were both drunk and high and I went with it at first but then I didnt and I told him to stop and he was reluctant but he did stop. But then later I kept falling in an out of consciousness and he started doing things again, touching me and making me touch him and forcing his fingers in my mouth (idk what that was about?) and think I remember telling him no but I couldnt focus and he kept doing things and I think I kind of just froze and pretended to sleep, hoping he would stop but he didnt and then I kind of just passed out I guess.
We talked about it afterwards and he said it was all consensual which, you know, he would, but at the same time hes supposed to be a good guy, weve been friends for a bit now and Ive felt like I can trust him and hes one of the people one of my best friends trusts the most in the entire world. And I mean, I was really out of it so maybe I did consent and just dont remember and nothing even like, really happened, and I always feel like Im overreacting and everythings supposed to be fine now but I just cant get over it still.
Anyway. Since this happened, weve been in touch still because we do have a mutual friend group. Ive seen him a few times, exchanged a few messages here and there on the group that. I never said anything and I was mostly fine, I guess, but every now and then hed make a stupid joke or a sexual comment to someone and Id feel a little sick. But like I said, I never said anything and I pretended everything was fine.
And then a couple weeks ago he sent me a friend request on facebook. That really threw me off, because I hadnt realized he thought we were back to being that level of friends. That I was okay with what happened. That it had all been just a big misunderstanding, and we were all good now.
Since then Ive been a complete mess. With his friend request everything kind of just came flooding back and I dont think Id realized how much it had really affected me until now. I cant stop thinking about it, I cant stop thinking about him, I feel like Im kind of in a constant fight or flight mode and Ive been thinking about, considering, planning suicide more seriously than I have in a long time.
I did end up deleting his friend request and I left the group chat he was in, but because of the mutual friends its hard to cut him out of my life completely. A few of my friends know what happened and theyre on my side, but I cant tell the others, partly because were not really that close that I could and Im also afraid that they wouldnt believe me, that theyd think I was lying or exaggerating and that theyd take his side. Were not super close, but I still dont wanna lose them. I dont think I have any other choice, though, because I dont think I can spend time with them if hes gonna be there.
Before you ask, I do have a psych contact for my depression and other issues, but its all still very early because Ive been putting off getting help and Im not sure if Im gonna be able to talk about this there.
Sorry about the long message, I just dont know what to do.
@foIieadeux
Hi lovely.
Firstly I would like to say how proud I am of you reaching out to 7cups. Its a big step and you've done very well.
I am sorry that this happened to you. He had no right to do that. If you are falling in and out of consiousness, you cannot consent. It doesnt matter if you were drinking. You did not consent. He was in the wrong not you.
It's very difficult to process your emotions after something like this has happened. Everything feels very overwhelming and its a very confusing time. However you are feeling is normal. There is no right or wrong response. Your body is going into 'protective' mode in response to a traumatic event.
I'm glad you have been able to talk to some friends about it and I hope they have been supportive. You do not have to tell everyone if they arent close to you, it is your story to tell and its important to have supportive people around you. If you have someone supporting you for your depression, it might be a good idea to talk to them about it. It's scary and a difficult area to discuss as its so personal and so raw but the more you talk about it, the less burden you carry around.
From my own experience, talking about it to a trusted friend/ family member or professional is the most important thing in healing. Its something that you cant just get over and forget but with time and the right help, you can process what happened and make peace with what happened. It was wrong and should never have happened and I'm so sorry that it did. Unfortunately we cant change the past but we do have the power to change the future with what we do today.
Its been 3 years for me and I still have bad days but I have come so far and achieved things in my life I didnt think would be possible. I never thought I could heal and I thought I would be traumatised for the rest of my life. It does get better but that doesn't help you now.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Find the strength to eat, drink and sleep enough. Try not to isolate yourself but let yourself be sad and feel what you are feeling. If its too hard to talk to someone right now, speak to a listener on 7cups or start a journal and write down your thoughts and feelings. That in itself can be stressful so do as much as you are comfortable.
Even if you don't feel it, remember you are strong and brave and are a warrior that can get through this.
Lots of love xxx
