i can’t get him out of my head or even my life

i recently left a group chat with some friends because a) i’m having a depressive episode and i need to Isolate™ but also because they’re a connection to him because he used to be our mutual friend

the ”used to be” is not quite that simple tho, i mean i’m not friends with him anymore or in touch with him in any way, but some of my friends are, if not good friends then at least like, acquintances still? except for one of them who used to date him and is still good friends with him, and honestly she’s the biggest reason why i still feel so connected to him and like i can’t get him out of my life

and i hate this entire situation because i don’t want to not be friends with them, they’re good people and i care about them, and i don’t want to give him the power to take that away from me too, but at this point i don’t really know what else to do

before you ask, no i’m not getting therapy for this; i have mentioned it to my doctors a couple times but very offhandedly so they haven’t really taken notice, and then i tried to actually bring it up last year with my doctor but they pretty much just brushed it off since i already suffer from an anxiety disorder, which apparently is the same thing

my whole psych contact thing has been very on and off for years anyway, it’s never really gotten anywhere, next month i have my first appointment with my new psych nurse but i don’t know if a) i’ll be able to bring it up again and b) if it’s gonna go anywhere even if i do bring it up

i’ve also been thinking about reporting him for a while now, but things never went far enough to have any physical evidence i don’t think (i was asleep, and iirc the doctors afterwards said they didn’t find any evidence, but i have requested for my patient files and reports from that time so i’ll see what they say), so the only evidence i really have is the record of me getting checked out, and my messages both with him and some friends i’ve talked to about it, and i don’t think any of it would be enough

also it’s been over 4 years, and the justice system, and the police force too, is so shit i’m not sure they’d even look into it, let alone that it’d ever go to court or anything

so idk reporting him just seems like a completely hopeless and pointless idea, and i think it’d just end up with it really going nowhere, and instead him getting mad at me about it (as if he didn’t blame me for it enough when it happened already) and possibly our mutual friends (or more like ex friends since i’m not really in touch with most of them either, just this one smaller group i was in a group chat with, partly because i can’t join a bigger group chat due to him being there) finding out and also blaming me for it or accusing me or making it up or whatever

idk i can’t really talk about it to anyone and i can’t really report him or like get any sort of justice or closure and i just feel so stuck and i hate that it still gets to me this much and affects so many parts of my life, and i don’t know how to not let him do that to me, i don’t know how to get over it

and i hate being this bitter about it, more and more often i find myself actually wishing he was dead, and i’m so mad at him and i’m also bitter at my friends (especially one of them) for not actively

choosing me over him, because it feels like either they don’t really believe me or they just don’t care

i’m so mad at him for what he did, and for blaming me for it and accusing me of lying and gaslighting me (because apparently it was just a misunderstanding lol) and expecting us to be friends like nothing ever happened

and i’m really fucking sad because i actually considered him a good friend, and he betrayed that friendship and he betrayed my trust in him, and it really fucked with my ability to trust people (which was Not Great to begin with) and it really fucked with so many things when it comes to how i identify and how i feel about myself, i feel so broken and damaged and just so unsure about everything, i just feel wrong

and i hate feeling like this, i hate feeling like he’s never gonna really be out of my life and he’s never gonna be out of my head and i’m so scared i’m just always going to feel like this and i’m never gonna really feel okay again

idk what the point of all this was and idk if any of it even makes sense, i’m just so exhausted and in pain and idk what to do about it or what to do about myself i just want all of this to stop