frutigerLadybug7704 Member Profile

Black ink.

Trauma Support / by frutigerLadybug7704

1 day ago

...See more Today has been a hard hit for my mental health. I had a psychosis earlier this morning. I went to the bathroom, stared, and yelled at the doorknob, just like in all those horror films... except I watch none, and even if I did, it's scarier when what you see in fiction turns reality into yourself. During my day volunteering, I was hit with something similar IN that school's restroom. Yelled (albeit silently to prevent scaring the students), did what I had to do, and even covered my ears, because it's just too much. It only got worse when I returned home. I lost my mind. I freaking lost it. I became so psychotic, so desperate, that I entered a trance. I destroyed pens and smothered their ink in the notebooks I used for journaling. My hands were stained. They felt like a manifestation of my wounds. There were tears. There was suffering. Everything because I can't forget those who hurt me, or forgive myself when I accidentally hurt other people. In fact, I held myself accountable for everything that's happened to me. I never imagined such an episode of dissociation would take a massive toll on me. I can't even call anyone for help. I don't trust my country's helpline because I was once answered by a fried chicken restaurant. It stops being an urban legend once it happens to you. ------------------------- But there was no blood. There were no injuries. Just two severely stained notebooks and three lost pens, but I already have replacements. And it will be a while before I wipe out all the ink marks. I'm glad it's black ink; if someone asks, I can say that it was a painting accident... I'm not courageous enough to open up to close ones about dissociative and psychotic episodes.

Too much on my plate for a single morning.

Autism Support / by frutigerLadybug7704

3 days ago

...See more I often wake up, not really that well rested, do some stretching and/or exercise, and play some videogames while I wait for my day volunteering to start. But today, it became way too much for me to handle. * I woke up groggy, with my body numb from sleeping too much in a single position. I'm already someone who's fully conscious even when asleep... * I didn't warm up for my exercise session; alas, I still did a lengthy cooldown. Even then, it feels stiff and incapable of waking up properly. * I just found out that I completely missed the pre-registration for my social service, which I did end up beginning beforehand; I knew I had to wake up my coordinator (I'm certain she wakes up super-early like I do) and tell her about this. I have no access to the documents and don't even know my tutor's name. Spent the whole career not knowing who they are. (given this is something we can solve, even my coordinator let out an 'OMG') * Parents just came home yesterday, and they'll take a while to adapt to their usual schedules. Still, there is something lighter to this; checking my emails, my Pomni Animatez Pendantz (single box) started its journey home. I want the Beach design, but I'm not picky. I just know that she'll make my wait for the TADC art book (hardcover with the bookmark and stickers!) a little lighter. Suffice to say that I have another Pendantz in the queue, namely [Serial Designation)] N. I don't even know if I'll be capable of pushing through today without breaking down. I already logged off early yesterday because I was overwhelmed with an ending I got for Neo Cab (2019)...

You can be an adult with responsibilities... and still feel like a child inside.

Hobby Zone / by frutigerLadybug7704

2 days ago

...See more I'm still struggling with panic attacks as of lately, but now that I bought myself a new notebook to journal into, stickers (all from shows/films about vehicles, namely Cars, Hot Wheels, and Transformers), pastel markers, and a coloring book (ALSO of Cars), I've been thinking about how my old ways to work also affected my mental health and how I fight dark thoughts. I thought, maybe the reason why I find it difficult to get schoolwork done is because I don't even know what to write down. I bought a Kuromi binder (along with two other Kuromi notebooks) last month while I waited for a fiscal appointment (still glad I got attended early, because it was raining!), and just yesterday I started writing down an extended version of what I'll write in the schoolwork itself. It might also serve for archival purposes in the not-so-distant future. As an early bird, I often take advantage of the morning hours to exercise and shower, but I was motivated to do something different; blowing bubbles and stepping into the rain, in PJs, with a plushie in hand. I probably did both exercise and an express shower while at it. LOL. That aside, I've been playing plenty of the games I have on my Switch gallery, both to get their stories completed at least once, and because some of them are most likely going to be buried in incompatibility once I buy a Switch 2. Still. With stickers, bubbles, notebooks with designs, coloring books, scrapbooks, an Instax, and crayons... I feel like the child I've always wanted to be, while still being present with school and chores. In fact, on the day I washed my three blouses by hand, I thought "why go to the gym when I can use the scrubber on the sink to train my endurance?" There are... other ways... that I train my endurance with, and it even helps me redefine my own intimacy. I'll leave it at that. Note: The photo I shared almost looks like it's from a child's 90s life before bed. But it was taken with an Instax Pal, the character is Ribbit from The Amazing Digital Circus, and it was quite early in the morning when I snapped it.

Psychosis and delusion... all in one week.

Self-Harm Recovery / by frutigerLadybug7704

Saturday

...See more I've always had in mind that self-harm is more than intentional physical injury, so please note that when reading what I have to say. ------------------------- I had a psychosis last week. It almost made me hurt myself with the same pens I use to journal and write down everything that comes to mind and happens through the day. Yes, those same bold and brash pens. Even one page in my gaming journal got overwhelmed with scribbles because it was just too much. I was yelling. Crying. Panting. Isolated. Everything because of a videogame I've loved since launch day (9 years ago); I keep telling myself that there's no wrong on admitting it has no future (despite getting updated last year with graphic enhancements), but I can't trust the community either. In fact, they rejected me just for being myself. I was even banned from its three art sub-communities. I was too much for them, sure, but they left so much for me to load on my back. Speaking of which, for two nights in a row, I had a panic attack and experienced delirium. Last thing I remember from the latter, I was dining Oreos. Then... I detached from reality and my own consciousness, waking up to a late night bathroom trip with no idea of what happened before bed. Before now, I underwent 11 months of a mental health crisis, and I had used 7 Cups (under a different alias) to supposedly cope, but ALSO during a crisis, I had deleted my old account. I remember when I threw a tantrum out of nowhere and accidentally hurt myself with a notebook spring. However, I have not exposed myself to intentional physical self-harm. The crisis began around these days, last year, when I traveled to Europe (from Amsterdam to London, including Frankfurt and Paris); by day, I was having my fun, taking pictures, and respecting the locals; in return, they were welcoming. But, by night, at the hotels, I broke down into tears. Returning home, my war against suicide started. It did not worsen until this year, when my school performance dropped for two periods; there were days in which I couldn't even be productive. I tried brushing it off because I'm not the only one who's failed at least once; fortunately, I saved my subjects on the final days, and I'm recovering my steam right now. I did call my country's helpline, but it was useless; in addition to my experience, many folks out there had several (and severe) issues with it, including it redirecting to something completely different. I couldn't even say anything. I never went to therapy. I never told my family. I don't have time for friends, just like they would never have time for me. ------------------------- And yet I won the war. Alone. It hurt. It made me tearful. It scarred my mind. It's still sending its soldiers to continue hurting me, through panic, isolation, delusion, psychosis, and maybe even amnesia. It looks like I get my 7.5 hours of sleep, but I can't rest. Since the battle is making me hungrier, I might end up gaining more weight, over the weight I gained during the crisis. For this, however, I'm already fighting back by exercising, even if it's just deep stretching; since the delirium, I'm going to do what I can to avoid refined sweets, even though there are M&M's in my trail mix bags, and I'm also eating dark chocolate bites with 70% cocoa; after a blood test from not too long ago, part of the reason I'm feeling close to mental self-harm habits comes from iron deficiency, which has affected my energy and memory. It's probably why I can't remember anything about the delirium. I'm just afraid it's going to happen again. I don't have a safety plan, no one IRL to talk to, no manner of transport, no window of opportunity, and, just like I said, my journaling tools can also become weapons against my integrity, and I heavily distrust helplines. An autistic mind like mine has no margin for generic advice, grounding techniques, or deep breathing. Let alone, when I'm doing my social service at a kindergarten and dedicate focus sessions to homework, either at home or my school's library...

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