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gentleCranberry8554
325 M Embraced 3
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts39 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes21 Current upvotes21 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2022 Member sinceMarch 14, 2022
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Crippling sexual shame and inadequacy
Relationship Stress / by gentleCranberry8554
Last post
 May 24th, 2022
...See more Background: my husband and I (both 24) have been together for 8.5 years, married for 5 years. We started dating when we were 16. We lost our virginity to each other, but he messed around with other girls before me (touching and oral). I have no sexual experience other than my husband. He has an extremely high sex drive while mine started out ok but is now basically nonexistant. At age 17 my parents found out my husband and I were sexually active and shamed me so ferociously that I developed intense physical pain that only occurred during sex, which lasted about 2 years. My doctor did not believe my pain was real, and subsequently, my husband didn't either. I have so much shame wrapped around myself and my sexuality that I can't get aroused physically or mentally no matter how hard I try. I've tried so many different supplements, topical creams, lubricants, etc. None have seemed to help. I feel like my body is broken and I feel foolish for spending so much money just to try to get my body to work. To add to my shame, my husband recently disclosed that he has a fantasy for engaging in sexual activities specifically with other people. I've tried to be understanding and laid down some ground rules (no intercourse, no kissing, no romantic feelings) for him to follow so that he can get the sexual stimulation that I'm incapable of giving him due to his kink. He has mutually mastebated with and received oral sex from a female friend of his. I'm trying so hard to be ok with it but simultaneously I feel like I'm dying inside because I'm not enough for him. I want so much to be able to feel arousal again and feel like I'm satisfying my husband the way he wants but I feel like I'm crumbling away. What do I do?
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Breach of trust
Relationship Stress / by gentleCranberry8554
Last post
 June 26th, 2022
...See more My husband and I, both 24, have a huge difference in libido. He has an insanely high libido and mine is extremely low. We are each other's first and only sexual partner. He masturbates several times a day and I physically haven't felt arousal in several years (possibly due to trauma.). I try to satisfy him the best I can but he has fantasies that I've yet to come around to. He works in law enforcement and so is always on high alert. He occasionally will masturbate either in his vehicle or in a bathroom when he has a break between calls to help relieve stress. He's been helping his sergeant train a new female officer the last few days. He made a confession to me 2 nights ago. On his 2nd night of training with the female officer they agreed to mutually masterbate in the back seat of his vehicle. He told me everything that happened and said they didn't have sex, and that they never physically touched each other. He is an extremely honest person so I believe that they didn't have sex. He refuses to keep secrets from me, even good ones. We have a "you can look but not touch" rule, though mutual masterbation was something that never ever crossed my mind before. I truly have no idea how to process this information. I do everything I can to accommodate his needs with his job but I never thought that would include he and another woman seeing each other's genitals. He said that it was a huge fantasy of his but that he was thinking of me the whole time but then he also said he was shining his flashlight on her so he could see her. We tried to have sex yesterday and he couldn't even stay hard. He blamed it on his antidepressants and had to finish himself off. Now I'm stuck among so many different emotions that I don't even know where to start. He says it was just stress relief but I can't help but feel like it's because I don't satisfy him enough. I thought I was ok to the point of acceptance with what he did but I had to go into his vehicle to get something earlier today and all I could think about was what they did in that back seat and I've been crying my eyes out since then. I'm not ok.
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Family relationship ruined?
Anxiety Support / by gentleCranberry8554
Last post
 March 25th, 2022
...See more I have a 14 month old daughter and my husband's youngest brother (6 years) has been giving me problems regarding her since she was born. He's possessive of her, constantly getting up in her face, always wanting to try to kiss her, touch her face, hands, or feet, and even putting his fingers in her mouth for no reason. On the flip side he is also jealous of the attention she gets and he acts out when he wants more attention. Baby spent the night at the in-laws the other night and when I went to pick her up yesterday things were typical with the little brother, nothing too out of the norm with him. Except when we were packing up to leave he did something that disturbed me. I handed her off to the other brother (13) so he could get his last hugs in and so I could gather the baby's diaper bag and toys. The little brother for some reason decided to walk up grab her feet, and slowly lick up the full length of them, making eye contact with her for the first foot, and me for the second foot. It freaked me out really bad but I said nothing and baby and I went home. I told my husband about it when I got home and told him how uncomfortable it made me and he took it as me accusing his little brother of being sexual (I never accused anything, it was just extremely weird and uncomfortable) and then called his mother for her side of the story. So now she's freaking out thinking I believe her little boy is a predator. I have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws and am now worried that by my husband jumping the gun calling his mother has ruined one of the few meaningful relationships I have. I don't have a good relationship with my own family and have a difficult time opening up with anyone. His mother is one of the few people I'm comfortable being open around. How can I fix this?
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Fear of verbally expressing emotions
Anxiety Support / by gentleCranberry8554
Last post
 March 27th, 2022
...See more I don't know if there's a name for it, but I have an almost crippling fear of expressing my thoughts and emotions out loud to other people. This includes my general emotions, complimenting people, explaining my actions, singing, and even saying a person's name to get their attention, among other things. I can't think of a single time in the 8 years my husband and I have been together that I've spoken his name to him. I find it almost impossible to compliment him or even tell him "I love you". He has to pull it out of me and I know he probably thinks I don't mean it. I do love him dearly and there's an endless list of things to compliment him on, I just physically can't say them out loud. My heart starts pounding, I get lightheaded, my stomach heaves, my mouth dries up, and my voice leaves me. I get these reactions will all people but they're most intense with the people that matter most to me. I think it's partially a fear of disappointing others, but I also feel there's more to it than that. When I was a child I was expected to be perfect at all times. Anything less than perfection led to punishment, either grounding or physically with a belt. I never had anyone to open up to that I could trust so I just didn't at all to avoid being punished. Is there a phobia I've developed or is it just intense social anxiety?
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