Breach of trust
My husband and I, both 24, have a huge difference in libido. He has an insanely high libido and mine is extremely low. We are each other's first and only sexual partner. He masturbates several times a day and I physically haven't felt arousal in several years (possibly due to trauma.). I try to satisfy him the best I can but he has fantasies that I've yet to come around to. He works in law enforcement and so is always on high alert. He occasionally will masturbate either in his vehicle or in a bathroom when he has a break between calls to help relieve stress. He's been helping his sergeant train a new female officer the last few days. He made a confession to me 2 nights ago. On his 2nd night of training with the female officer they agreed to mutually masterbate in the back seat of his vehicle. He told me everything that happened and said they didn't have sex, and that they never physically touched each other. He is an extremely honest person so I believe that they didn't have sex. He refuses to keep secrets from me, even good ones. We have a "you can look but not touch" rule, though mutual masterbation was something that never ever crossed my mind before. I truly have no idea how to process this information. I do everything I can to accommodate his needs with his job but I never thought that would include he and another woman seeing each other's genitals. He said that it was a huge fantasy of his but that he was thinking of me the whole time but then he also said he was shining his flashlight on her so he could see her. We tried to have sex yesterday and he couldn't even stay hard. He blamed it on his antidepressants and had to finish himself off. Now I'm stuck among so many different emotions that I don't even know where to start. He says it was just stress relief but I can't help but feel like it's because I don't satisfy him enough. I thought I was ok to the point of acceptance with what he did but I had to go into his vehicle to get something earlier today and all I could think about was what they did in that back seat and I've been crying my eyes out since then. I'm not ok.
@gentleCranberry8554
Hi Cranberry, that sounds so difficult for you. It sounds like your husband has a high stress job, and sex is the only technique he uses to relieve that stress. There are many alternatives that he could learn, at least so that he is not reliant on only that, maybe he just hasn't learned any others? He may or may not be happy with how things are, but you definitely are not. Talking this through with a marriage counsellor might be a good idea, they can help you communicate and figure out something that works for you both.
A marriage Councillor may be a good idea and also some therapy by yourself. His behaviour is inexcusable and would he be so understanding if the boot was on the other foot? But it doesn't sound like he's particularly meeting your needs either tbh, physically or emotionally and the blatant disregard for you and your feeling with his new colleague. I think this is a red flag personally. Consider being honest with how he's made you feel and its okay to say to him that what he did isn't okay or acceptable. If he is serious about you cares about the relationship he will consider therapy with you. You need to hVe a serious inward look though and think about if you feel you can trust him, in general and at work with this new colleague. A healthy relationship is built on trust but also respect for each other and by doing what he did a lot if questions need to be asked. Do his colleagues know about this? Who else does? And are you prepared to allow someone to disrespect you? Clear boundaries need to set and he needs to think how he would feel in that situation and you need to think about what you really want from a relationship and is he really giving it to you? Or does it just feel familiar and "safe". Be kind to yourself and don't allow your feelings on this to be minimIzed.