Crippling sexual shame and inadequacy
Background: my husband and I (both 24) have been together for 8.5 years, married for 5 years. We started dating when we were 16. We lost our virginity to each other, but he messed around with other girls before me (touching and oral). I have no sexual experience other than my husband. He has an extremely high sex drive while mine started out ok but is now basically nonexistant. At age 17 my parents found out my husband and I were sexually active and shamed me so ferociously that I developed intense physical pain that only occurred during sex, which lasted about 2 years. My doctor did not believe my pain was real, and subsequently, my husband didn't either.
I have so much shame wrapped around myself and my sexuality that I can't get aroused physically or mentally no matter how hard I try. I've tried so many different supplements, topical creams, lubricants, etc. None have seemed to help. I feel like my body is broken and I feel foolish for spending so much money just to try to get my body to work. To add to my shame, my husband recently disclosed that he has a fantasy for engaging in sexual activities specifically with other people. I've tried to be understanding and laid down some ground rules (no intercourse, no kissing, no romantic feelings) for him to follow so that he can get the sexual stimulation that I'm incapable of giving him due to his kink. He has mutually mastebated with and received oral sex from a female friend of his. I'm trying so hard to be ok with it but simultaneously I feel like I'm dying inside because I'm not enough for him. I want so much to be able to feel arousal again and feel like I'm satisfying my husband the way he wants but I feel like I'm crumbling away. What do I do?
@gentleCranberry8554 So sorry to hear that you are experiencing such difficulties. Since it was your physician's opinion that your symptoms might be psychosomatic, have you considered counseling since the physical medications have not provided a solution?
I wish I had access to counseling and therapy. Unfortunately it's not something I have the finances for and my health insurance doesn't cover mental health issues aside from having antidepressants and such tossed about.
As far as my doctor, she didn't really look. She merely checked the external areas. There were no tests done, no blood work, no scans. Nothing. She just didn't feel line investigating my problem. It could have been a muscle or nerve issue causing my pain but she never took the time to actually look into it. She just put me in the stirrups and checked for external injuries and found none. Told me I'd have the pain for the rest of my life and that it was something I'd have to learn to cope with, and prescribed an antidepressant specifically to make me feel numb physically and emotionally.
Would it be possible to get a second opinion somewhere else? It might be worth it to save up some money to go to a specialist or someone who can take the time to run proper tests.
@gentleCranberry8554 I would have to agree with @Cain96 that a second medical opinion certainly sounds like a good idea. Have you looked at counseling through 7 Cups? I can highly recommend it, and an entire month is around the same cost as one hour for a typical therapist.