hopingformoreiguess Member Profile

I dont even know

Trauma Support / by hopingformoreiguess

May 20th, 2020

...See more Honestly what the f*ck. I was a CHILD. I didnt deserve to live in terror. I didnt deserve to have to learn what floorboards creaked the most. I didn't deserve to be scared of being loud. I didnt deserve getting yelled at for buying things with my paycheck. I didnt deserve any of it. Being told im an attention whore, constantly being made fun of for eating or being single. I shouldn't have been laughed at when my asthma was crippling bad. I didnt deserve to spent night after night sobbing silently. I SHOULDNT KNOW HOW TO CRY SILENTLY. I didnt deserve to grow up so young. I didnt deserve to be told I'm worthless. I was a child. Who does this shit to a child. I DIDNT DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR HANDS AROUND MY THROAT BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO HURT ME. I didnt deserve to have to hold it together after that because it wasnt, isnt, safe for me to break down. I didnt deserve anything you put me through. I deserved to be happy and loved and carefree. I dont know why you hate me so much. But after over a decade of you torturing me why do you deserve my forgiveness? I dont live there anymore. I could never talk to you again, but then I remember the good times when you were a dad to me. So what the f*ck am I supposed to do. I dont deserve to feel this way. It all hurts. Will it ever just stop? I hope so.

55 days clean

Self-Harm Recovery / by hopingformoreiguess

May 10th, 2020

May 5th 2020: TW

Anxiety Support / by hopingformoreiguess

May 7th, 2020

...See more Last night I had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a long time. My mom picked me up from work (11pm) and I asked her if we could stop to get a pop but she was a bit drunk and a bit angry and she started screaming, furious. I held it together as long as I could but I have issues when people get angry at me, I had an extremely abusive step father and I'm still recovering from the years of living with him (which she obviously knows). I started crying and that made her yell more, saying that I'm irritating, that me crying is like nails on a chalkboard, she hates that im like this. So I tried to hold it in as much as I could, I was hyperventilating and then holding my breath, I couldn't see anything because my vision was too blurry, my teeth were chattering and I was shaking. And I kept it together as much as I could. And the whole time she was yelling at me. She told me I needed to apologize for making her feel bad for crying. All I could think about was trying to be quieter. Eventually we got home and I sobbed and sobbed as quiet as I could but it still all feels so pent up. I feel close to shattering. I'm 52 days clean from self harm and am desperate for a relapse. Its all too much lately. And I have nobody go talk to.

I'm desperately hoping healing is possible

Trauma Support / by hopingformoreiguess

May 7th, 2020

...See more The man who raised me is not my biological father but he was always my dad. He was there for as long as I can remember. And when I was little he was a good dad but when I got older I dont really know what happened but he became really abusive. He was physically abusive towards my mom. And he was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for years and years. He reminded me almost everyday that I'm worthless. He punished me for the dumbest things; I once got in trouble for breathing too loud. Over the summer he got mad at me for not having done enough laundry that day and having an attitude and he threw some stuff at me and then choked me. After that my mom decided that was it and we left. And my mom is a good mom but shes unknowingly hurtful and draining. I dont think its intentional. But she gets so mad over small things, she screams at me for not working enough so I work more and then she screams about my grades slipping. I had to drop out of my clubs and sports this year because she didnt wanna drive me, but then I got in trouble for not being involved enough. Tonight I was on edge, rough day at work, it was 11pm and I asked if we could stop to get a pop and she was drunk and went off and I couldnt stop myself from crying. Which made her yell more, that im irrating, that me crying is like nails on a chalk board, she hates that im like this. And I held it back until my teeth were chattering, I couldnt breathe, my head hurts. But Intel on the edge of breaking down. I need to cry.

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