May 5th 2020: TW

Last night I had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a long time. My mom picked me up from work (11pm) and I asked her if we could stop to get a pop but she was a bit drunk and a bit angry and she started screaming, furious. I held it together as long as I could but I have issues when people get angry at me, I had an extremely abusive step father and I'm still recovering from the years of living with him (which she obviously knows). I started crying and that made her yell more, saying that I'm irritating, that me crying is like nails on a chalkboard, she hates that im like this. So I tried to hold it in as much as I could, I was hyperventilating and then holding my breath, I couldn't see anything because my vision was too blurry, my teeth were chattering and I was shaking. And I kept it together as much as I could. And the whole time she was yelling at me. She told me I needed to apologize for making her feel bad for crying. All I could think about was trying to be quieter. Eventually we got home and I sobbed and sobbed as quiet as I could but it still all feels so pent up. I feel close to shattering. I'm 52 days clean from self harm and am desperate for a relapse. Its all too much lately. And I have nobody go talk to.