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A memento from my sexual assault

Trauma Support / by intelligentKitten412

September 29th, 2025

...See more Nearly 19 years ago to the day my then boyfriend (now husband) and I were sharing an apartment with what I considered at the time a really good friend and his girlfriend, and my so called good friend sexually assaulted me. Without going into too many details, he did have a large knife in his hand, and I was able to fight him off after what seemed like an eternity but was probably only a few minutes. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my boyfriend (again now husband) so I dealt with it alone for all these years until just last night when I finally told my husband - we have been going through a lot of things and my headspace wasnt great and this came to the surface. Anyway, when we moved out and into our own place about a month after the assault the guy that assaulted me gave me a "parting gift"...the very knife he held to my head during the assault. For whatever reason I've kept it all these years. I think possibly as a reminder that even when faced with what seems like an impossible situation that I'm strong enough to fight for myself and make it thru. It hasn't been sitting out anywhere where I would see it, but after last night with telling my husband about the assault, I went looking for it today, not sure why I felt compelled to, but I did. When I found it the entire assaulted played in my mind and I've been siting here all day wondering, what I should do with it. Do I continue to keep it, do I get rid of it, do I give it away? I'll be straightforward, this was not my first sexual assault the 1st was my own brother when I was 8 years old. As ironic as it is, my brother collects weapons - mainly knives, and also loves dragons, which the blade of the knife i was given has a dragon on. I told my husband tonight part of me wants to give it to my brother...I know he wouldn't understand the symbolism of it, but to me its like he started that trauma for me, so by giving him the knife, it would be like me handing all the trauma back to him and saying how I'm better than any of it. I dont know if it makes sense or if not, and I dont know if I would feel better or not, but now that I've gotten the weight of dealing with it by myself all these years, and I've told my husband in detail what happened, I feel like I can finally let go of the knife and move on. I dont know what is best to do.

My husband has said some pretty cruel things and I don't know how to get past it.

Relationship Stress / by intelligentKitten412

September 26th, 2025

...See more So for some back story, my husband had emotionally cheated on me, which progressed to the other women finding me and contacting me via social media with harassing messages to the extent of threatening my life. It got so bad that they even stalked us on a family vacation. I went to the cops after we left our vacation early because I was honestly scared for my life. Unfortunately, they got off with a simple warning of not to contact me or come anywhere near me. Crazy thing is, they literally came from other states, yes, they, there were 2 women my husband had been talking to who were friends with eachother, one of them he developed romantic feelings. Anyway, I forgave him and we had been working to get our marriage back on track, but the other day everything blew up because he said he will never forgive me and what he did with the emotional cheating (which he doesn't believe is a thing because it wasn't physical) was a direct result of what I did. I admit my wrong doing, I ran up credit card debt on things for our family without him being aware, and I have made huge changes with spending and hardly ever use a credit card anymore because I know what I did was financial infidelity and I was completely in the wrong. Back to what happened the otherday. He flipped out on me because he made the comment about having been talking to his friend (who he did have a thing for and has said many times before that the only reason they didnt end up together was because of his ex before me), and her husband physically cheated on her with a friend of theirs, and said how our problems are nothing compared to what she has been dealing with. I took that as him completely diminishing my feelings over his emotional affair and all the harassment, stalking, and straight up fear of my life. So yes, I got a little defensive but tried to say how its not right to make such a comment and he continued to diminish the situation we had dealt with for months (8+ months). He ended up walking away from me, so I decided I was going to go work on our old house that we are trying to get ready to sell after tenants we rented to completely destroyed the place instead of sitting around being mad and upset. Well he stopped me, took and hid my keys and told me I wasn't going anywhere and told me how I was over reacting. Well, after a while I finally got my keys back after he left. I went to the old house to get some work done and he was there. He left and came back home, I stayed for a few hours before coming home, he was asleep and went to work the next day, then came the talk of divorce. Saying how he made up his mind, he wants a divorce because I have ruined his life and I'm the worst person he has ever known. Verbally attacking me in every possible way, so I gave in, and said if thats what he wants then file the paperwork. He proceeded to tell me thibgs he told these other women, things he never told me, and I really thought I couldnt be more hurt by his emotional affair but he disclosed that he told them things that are deeply personal to me that I had told him in confidence, so I just felt that much more betrayed and like I have no one to trust or confide in. I didn't have any hope left of salvaging our 20 years together. Well later that day, a few hours after he got home from work, he called me while I was still working at the old house and asked me to come home. This was after I told him I would not be home that night and that I was staying there while I figured out my best course of action because I was not going to live in the same house as someone who thinks so little of me. He asked me to come home again and that maybe he changed his mind. After all day, him saying he wants a divorce and nothing will change his mind, crushing any hope I had to save our relationship. I told him not to do that, because I don't want to start to have any hope again, and he said he had a really bad dream and he wanted to talk to me about it and how he wanted to do it face to face. I said I was trying to get things done and he started accusing me of not wanting to help him, and while he has never done anything that really made me think he would purposely harm himself, something in his voice scared me, so I did go home. He told me his drean was basically a conversation with his dad who passed away suddenly years ago and how his dad said things he always wished he had heard and had so many things answered and then he told his dad about our situation and his dad told him how disappointed he was that ny husband was throwing away someone that has always been there for him even in his worst moments, someone who made him a better person, and someone who so clearly loved him unconditionally. He said he woke up crying (he never cries) because while he doesn't believe in an afterlife, everything that was said was definitely things his dad would have said. He was crying while telling me this. I dont know, I really don't think I could feel any more alone than I do now. I trusted my husband with everything, things I never told other people, and he had no problem telling random people. Who can I trust now? My family, no, my family isn't that way, I'm closer to his family than my own, but I clearly can't talk to them because I don't want them to think badly of him. Friends, I had 2 really good friends, who while I wouldn't want them to think badly of him either, I know my husbands emotional affair contacted them (police disclosed that messages were sent to them, thats how I know, I dont know what the messages said), and I hardly hear from them anymore. Like we used to talk multiple times a week, and for the past few months it will go weeks before I hear back from them. Our oldest child's 18th birthday is coming up and these 2 friends are essentially family, we always celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and I asked them over a week ago if they would have time to come celebrate his birthday and silence...so while I wish they would have told me about being contacted by the emotional affair partner, whatever was said to them has clearly ruined our friendship. I just feel so completely alone, and I do love my husband and would love our marriage to continue, but how can I trust him again. Like I forgave him for the affair, but now knowing he happily made up things about me to tell them to make them realize how much he hates me (yes, thats what he said), and most of all throwing around my deeply personal history that he knows was hard for me to discuss with him in the first place and he also knew he was the only one I was comfortable enough with to tell...I just feel like how can this be fixed, how can I trust telling him anything anymore. Like he says that dream he had made him realize how badly he wants to work this out, but I just dont know. Its all just too much and as I am currently sitting next to him in bed, I can't help but want to reach out to him and accept his occasional gestures to hold hands or hug or lay together, but I know I will fall apart because I don't know how to go about fixing what has been damaged in my mind now and how to gain that deep trust back. I also am skeptical about how long this will last, him wanting to make things better...after all a dream is what made him change his mind. For the record, unlike him, I do believe his dad very well could have visited him in his dream. I know his dad loved me, and I know he would want us to fight to work through this because he knew we had something special.

Trying to get over and emotional affair of sorts and could use some help.

Relationship Stress / by intelligentKitten412

August 27th, 2025

...See more I really could use some help figuring out ways to not be so triggered. My husband had been talking to other women online, he insists it was all innocent, but he gave them all his free time, to the point of flat out ignoring me and even our kids at times. He even admitted to having feelings for one of them. It destroyed me, but I love him and want to make our marriage work. He has said he has stopped talking to them, and I believe him but the problem is, everytime hes on his phone, typing away, I get triggered and want to know who hes talking to and what hes doing. I do not think he would willingly show me his phone because he believes deeply in privacy, which isn't a bad thing, but at the same time, I am struggling. I do know he is talking to a friend who he used to have feelings for before we met, she is also married now, but still it makes me uneasy but I dont feel it is right for me to tell him not to talk to them or to let me see the messages. It very well could all be very innocent, but still I'm worried and I just dont know how to stop. I know part of my worry is because I know he is not happy with how I look, and these other women are much skinnier than i am. I am not happy either with how I look and have been making changes but its a slow process. Let's just say, 3 kids, years of cancer treatment for our middle child, coupled with my own slight health issues, its made loosing weight very hard for me, and for as long as I can remember I have always had issues with how I looked. I remember in high-school and even when I first met my husband, I was around 150lbs, and you could still see my ribs and hips and I still thought I was overweight and unattractive. At my heaviest I was close to 280lbs, and Im currently a little under 230lbs and in the process of loosing more. This year for the first time in probably 7ish years I finally dropped below 230lbs which was huge for me, but I still have a long way to go. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, is there anything I can do to start not being triggered when hes on his phone. And again, looking at his phone is not going to happen because I dont want to invade his privacy and I really dont think he would willingly show me everything anyway. I have tried talking to him about it, but he brushes me off simply saying hes not doing anything wrong or something like that. I dont know, I just really wish I could move past this and be happy again. Please help!

Music that may help someone

General Support / by intelligentKitten412

April 8th, 2025

Was I right?

35 & Over Community / by intelligentKitten412

April 3rd, 2025

...See more So a few years ago I had a therapist that told me I should confront my ex about how we broke up. It wasn't that I wanted back together with him or even wanted answers, it was because at the time we broke up, we had been together for nearly 3.5years, and I was pregnant and he didn't believe me. So a little background info, he was going to college a few hours away, and when I found out I was pregnant it scared the life out of me. We were 19 years old at the time, and I didn't want to derail his plans for a future. I loved him and I saw my life with him, as I thought he did too because we had many conversations about the future. Well, I knew i couldn't tell him on the phone, so I was waiting until we saw eachother face to face to tell him I was pregnant...only problem is, before I even had the chance to lay eyes on him the weekend he came home, he broke up with me on the phone while I was at work basically as soon as he got home. It felt like my world collapsed, and my boss knew both of us and told me to leave work and try to save the relationship. So I left, and tried talking to him, never getting any real answers as to why, and then I blurted out that I couldn't believe this was happening especially now with being pregnant. I hadn't told anyone, not even my parents because honestly I was ashamed of being pregnant. Well he accused me of lying, saying timing didn't add up or anything, meanwhile we never even had a discussion about how far along I was. Next thing I knew his mom called my parents and asked them about it, and of course my parents denied it because they didn't know. Anyway, I ended up not eating or drinking really anything for days because I was so upset, and I ended up having a miscarriage nearly a week after we broke up. I knew it was for the best, but it was still extremely difficult to deal with, and the fact that he never believed i was carring his child, just really hurt worse than the break up. I had 1 person at the time I confided in, who was a mutual friend of mine and my ex, but we are talking about a 20 year old guy, so while he was as supportive as he could be for me, it wasn't much help. So moving on, years ago when this therapist told me they think I should confront my ex and try to get him to hear the hurt I went through with him not believing me about the pregnancy and then dealing with a miscarriage on my own, I didn't want to, I didn't see how it would help. I accepted the miscarriage, I knew and still know it was for the best, but yes, i did still blame myself for it, leaving a feeling of inadequacy. I have also had 2 miscarriages with my husband and have 3 children to him, all with various health issues - mainly minor, but our middle child had leukemia (been cancer free for 3 years now), so that inadequacy feeling has remained over the past 2 decades basically. Now I know miscarriages happen for no reason a lot of the times, and I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent my middle child from having leukemia, but as the person that carried all of them, it does eat at me that I couldn't protect their lives. Well my husband and I have been going through a very difficult time lately, and I needed to try anything possible to relieve some of the pressure I was under, so I decided to confront my ex to hopefully allow myself to heal a little. I sent him a message asking if we could talk, I know he saw it, but never responded, so the next day I sent another message apologizing for coming out of the blue and laid it all out there how I am trying to work on some stuff and heal from bast traumas and basically said how his treatment towards me at the time with thinking I would make something like a baby up was so much more hurtful than him breaking up with me, and how I had to go through the miscarriage basically on my own and how hard that was. Well I never go a response of any kind...and I know he saw the message. Now I can't say I was expecting much, we havent really been friends for about 2 decades, some short friendly conversations here and there over the years, but it did really hurt that he wouldn't respond at all, and still, over a week later nothing. After the initial hurt of realizing that apparently he doesn't have enough respect for me and the history we had, I can say I do feel a little better saying my truth, and my husband said he's been able to notice a slight change in me like I'm not weighed down as much, but I still can't help but wonder, did I do the right thing in messaging him and bringing up the past? I didn't message him to try to hurt him or make him feel bad, we both have been living our own separate lives for so long, both of us married to our people (im assuming he considers his wife his person), i was just desperate to feel a little bit of the weight ive been carrying around lifted off me...i just wish I had some sort of reply that he acknowledges it did happen, even it is was a simple ok or something, something would be better than just ignoring me, because the ignoring me is what is keeping me holding onto some of that anger that I felt back then. I don't know, I'm just wondering if it was good advice to contact him or not, my husband doesn't really think it was because he witnessed my pain and anger from no response to the messages, and I'm torn, like I said part of me does feel better, but that anger is still there.

Need some advice.

35 & Over Community / by intelligentKitten412

March 28th, 2025

...See more Let me first apologize for the long post, but I'm struggling. My husband and I have been together for just about 19 years, we got together when I was 19, and I'm now 38, so we've been together half our lives, and we have 3 kids ranging in age from 6-17. We've had plenty of ups and downs like any relationship, but I'm afraid that we may be in a down with no way of coming back up together. I'll admit, as much as I hate to admit it, he physically abused me for a while. I'm talking pushing me into walls, dragging me by my hair, punching and kicking me. It was not a constant thing, but it did go on for a few years. As much as people don't think it's possible, he did change his ways and has not done anything like that since. Emotional abuse, that's another story, that has continued our entire relationship. He likes to blame me for things I have nothing to do with, and criticizes me with the things I do do. We had a huge fight probably about 6 months ago due to the stresses he has at work, the expenses of renovating our old house that tenants completely destroyed, and him realizing we had more credit card debt than he realized and he flat out said "i don't love you". He accused me of running up a credit card he claims to have not known about, meanwhile we did have a talk about using it for our cell phone bill because they offered insurance for the phones when you pay your bill with it, and we used it for a couple vacations and what not. Now I won't say I didn't spend more than I should have, because yes, I did frivolously spend for a short time (we are talking maybe at most a few thousand on things we didnt really need), and I have seen the errors of my ways and have taken responsibility for it, apologized and have started selling my craft items that I was casually making to help pay off the debt. I've made a little over a thousand dollars since Christmas, which I know is not a lot, but I also am participating in more craft shows to continue to make more money. See about 8 years ago he insisted I leave my job because we wanted to have a 3rd child and he was making plenty of money at his job where he thought it was best I leave to be a stay at home mom. I can't say I was happy about it at the time, I enjoyed working, and having time away from the house, but I did quit because that was what seemed like was best and what he wanted. I remember telling him multiple times that I would only quit if he assured me it would never come back on me and blame me for not working. Well, he has been insisting that I need to get a job and pay off all the debt myself. Now that wouldn't be an issue except for the kids, their needs, and activities. My husband works different shifts every week, one week it's 11pm-7am, the next 7am-3pm, and then 3pm-11pm, and he does double a lot both volunteering to and by being forced, so on any given day, there's no guarantee he will be home at a certain time. The only family we have close by is my mother-in-law who runs her own restaurant- where she does everything, no other employees so she can't drop everything and help out with the kids whenever. I don't see how we could swing me getting a job other than my crafting or a work from home that would allow for a certainty of someone being there for the kids, and all he will say is get a job and we'll figure it out. I'm sorry but I think we need a game plan first, and again with his changing work schedule, it would be hard to find a sitter on an as needed drop of the hat type situation, not to mention having to pay for someone would just take money away. Our middle child also has a history of leukemia- been in remission and off treatment for 3 years, but it still scares me especially since he is injury prone and just started playing football (since being off treatment we've had to make a few ER trips for him busting his head open while playing football resulting in 9 stitches and last year he tripped and put his elbow through the glass of our back yard door resulting in 36 stitches), our youngest is currently going through breathing issues that we are in the works of figuring out and is starting soccer next week which obviously will bring more challenges with his breathing issues, and our oldest will be a senior in high school next year and is in the process of figuring out colleges, so they all have their things that they need help with. Anyway, moving on, hes found comfort in talking to 2 women via *** that I know of. He originally claimed he was talking to co-workers because I had confronted him about being all consumed by his phone lately, to the point he wouldn't put it down while driving and completely ignoring me or the kids when we tried to talk to him. Well, one night laying in bed, I saw the phone screen and noticed these aren't co-workers at all because he works with all men. So right or wrong, I read what was on the screen and I saw he was pretending to be someone he's not, claiming he's in the army and chatting them up. Well I confronted him and he called me crazy and denied but I pushed, and he finally admitted to having found someone on the game he plays on his phone that he likes talking to about things that bother him - mainly me- and that this person makes him happy. I felt completely betrayed and I felt like this is emotional cheating. He is prioritizing other people, lied about it, and admitted to liking talking to some other person when he won't talk to me. I asked him straight out if it's strictly friendship or if there is more going on, and he claims friendship only, but refuses to show me the messages. Now I have caught more glimpses of the conversations and there is flirty banter, sexual banter, and just general concern for how they are feeling. Obviously I don't know the full extent, but what I do know is he hardly talks to me, when he does it's usually with distain, and if he's on his phone talking to them, well I might as well not even try to get his attention because most the time I'm ignored. I also asked him straight up if he loves me because last I heard from him about love is "I don't love you", and he would only say "not now I don't, I can't right now after what you've done", once again accusing me of all the debt. I've told him love doesn't work that way, and that I've always loved him even with everything we've been through. I don't know, I guess if you actually made it to the end of my rant, I guess I could just use some insight on any of it, because I just feel so alone, betrayed, exhausted from trying to hide my hurt from the kids and I don't want to confide in people in real life because I don't want anyone thinking bad of my husband. Thanks ahead of time.

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