Need some advice.

Let me first apologize for the long post, but I'm struggling. My husband and I have been together for just about 19 years, we got together when I was 19, and I'm now 38, so we've been together half our lives, and we have 3 kids ranging in age from 6-17. We've had plenty of ups and downs like any relationship, but I'm afraid that we may be in a down with no way of coming back up together. I'll admit, as much as I hate to admit it, he physically abused me for a while. I'm talking pushing me into walls, dragging me by my hair, punching and kicking me. It was not a constant thing, but it did go on for a few years. As much as people don't think it's possible, he did change his ways and has not done anything like that since. Emotional abuse, that's another story, that has continued our entire relationship. He likes to blame me for things I have nothing to do with, and criticizes me with the things I do do. We had a huge fight probably about 6 months ago due to the stresses he has at work, the expenses of renovating our old house that tenants completely destroyed, and him realizing we had more credit card debt than he realized and he flat out said "i don't love you". He accused me of running up a credit card he claims to have not known about, meanwhile we did have a talk about using it for our cell phone bill because they offered insurance for the phones when you pay your bill with it, and we used it for a couple vacations and what not. Now I won't say I didn't spend more than I should have, because yes, I did frivolously spend for a short time (we are talking maybe at most a few thousand on things we didnt really need), and I have seen the errors of my ways and have taken responsibility for it, apologized and have started selling my craft items that I was casually making to help pay off the debt. I've made a little over a thousand dollars since Christmas, which I know is not a lot, but I also am participating in more craft shows to continue to make more money. See about 8 years ago he insisted I leave my job because we wanted to have a 3rd child and he was making plenty of money at his job where he thought it was best I leave to be a stay at home mom. I can't say I was happy about it at the time, I enjoyed working, and having time away from the house, but I did quit because that was what seemed like was best and what he wanted. I remember telling him multiple times that I would only quit if he assured me it would never come back on me and blame me for not working. Well, he has been insisting that I need to get a job and pay off all the debt myself. Now that wouldn't be an issue except for the kids, their needs, and activities. My husband works different shifts every week, one week it's 11pm-7am, the next 7am-3pm, and then 3pm-11pm, and he does double a lot both volunteering to and by being forced, so on any given day, there's no guarantee he will be home at a certain time. The only family we have close by is my mother-in-law who runs her own restaurant- where she does everything, no other employees so she can't drop everything and help out with the kids whenever. I don't see how we could swing me getting a job other than my crafting or a work from home that would allow for a certainty of someone being there for the kids, and all he will say is get a job and we'll figure it out. I'm sorry but I think we need a game plan first, and again with his changing work schedule, it would be hard to find a sitter on an as needed drop of the hat type situation, not to mention having to pay for someone would just take money away. Our middle child also has a history of leukemia- been in remission and off treatment for 3 years, but it still scares me especially since he is injury prone and just started playing football (since being off treatment we've had to make a few ER trips for him busting his head open while playing football resulting in 9 stitches and last year he tripped and put his elbow through the glass of our back yard door resulting in 36 stitches), our youngest is currently going through breathing issues that we are in the works of figuring out and is starting soccer next week which obviously will bring more challenges with his breathing issues, and our oldest will be a senior in high school next year and is in the process of figuring out colleges, so they all have their things that they need help with.

Anyway, moving on, hes found comfort in talking to 2 women via *** that I know of. He originally claimed he was talking to co-workers because I had confronted him about being all consumed by his phone lately, to the point he wouldn't put it down while driving and completely ignoring me or the kids when we tried to talk to him. Well, one night laying in bed, I saw the phone screen and noticed these aren't co-workers at all because he works with all men. So right or wrong, I read what was on the screen and I saw he was pretending to be someone he's not, claiming he's in the army and chatting them up. Well I confronted him and he called me crazy and denied but I pushed, and he finally admitted to having found someone on the game he plays on his phone that he likes talking to about things that bother him - mainly me- and that this person makes him happy. I felt completely betrayed and I felt like this is emotional cheating. He is prioritizing other people, lied about it, and admitted to liking talking to some other person when he won't talk to me. I asked him straight out if it's strictly friendship or if there is more going on, and he claims friendship only, but refuses to show me the messages. Now I have caught more glimpses of the conversations and there is flirty banter, sexual banter, and just general concern for how they are feeling. Obviously I don't know the full extent, but what I do know is he hardly talks to me, when he does it's usually with distain, and if he's on his phone talking to them, well I might as well not even try to get his attention because most the time I'm ignored. I also asked him straight up if he loves me because last I heard from him about love is "I don't love you", and he would only say "not now I don't, I can't right now after what you've done", once again accusing me of all the debt. I've told him love doesn't work that way, and that I've always loved him even with everything we've been through.

I don't know, I guess if you actually made it to the end of my rant, I guess I could just use some insight on any of it, because I just feel so alone, betrayed, exhausted from trying to hide my hurt from the kids and I don't want to confide in people in real life because I don't want anyone thinking bad of my husband. Thanks ahead of time.