Trying to get over and emotional affair of sorts and could use some help.
I really could use some help figuring out ways to not be so triggered. My husband had been talking to other women online, he insists it was all innocent, but he gave them all his free time, to the point of flat out ignoring me and even our kids at times. He even admitted to having feelings for one of them. It destroyed me, but I love him and want to make our marriage work. He has said he has stopped talking to them, and I believe him but the problem is, everytime hes on his phone, typing away, I get triggered and want to know who hes talking to and what hes doing. I do not think he would willingly show me his phone because he believes deeply in privacy, which isn't a bad thing, but at the same time, I am struggling. I do know he is talking to a friend who he used to have feelings for before we met, she is also married now, but still it makes me uneasy but I dont feel it is right for me to tell him not to talk to them or to let me see the messages. It very well could all be very innocent, but still I'm worried and I just dont know how to stop. I know part of my worry is because I know he is not happy with how I look, and these other women are much skinnier than i am. I am not happy either with how I look and have been making changes but its a slow process. Let's just say, 3 kids, years of cancer treatment for our middle child, coupled with my own slight health issues, its made loosing weight very hard for me, and for as long as I can remember I have always had issues with how I looked. I remember in high-school and even when I first met my husband, I was around 150lbs, and you could still see my ribs and hips and I still thought I was overweight and unattractive. At my heaviest I was close to 280lbs, and Im currently a little under 230lbs and in the process of loosing more. This year for the first time in probably 7ish years I finally dropped below 230lbs which was huge for me, but I still have a long way to go. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, is there anything I can do to start not being triggered when hes on his phone. And again, looking at his phone is not going to happen because I dont want to invade his privacy and I really dont think he would willingly show me everything anyway. I have tried talking to him about it, but he brushes me off simply saying hes not doing anything wrong or something like that. I dont know, I just really wish I could move past this and be happy again. Please help!
@intelligentKitten412
Hello, I have a bit of experience in this. i can tell you that i know how hard it is to lose weight especially when we are unhappy. If you can work on you for you not losing weight because people online may be thin or they may not. lots of faked photos shared in chats. lose weight and work on your happiness for you... once you feel your worth you will see it is his loss and HE will too. your kids will be happier also and kids sense how you feel.
I also know if one partner is talking with anyone online there needs to be a serious talk ...about why he is not talking to you. it is not about your weight... he is on phone texting he is making a connection not on looks... but on being heard or appreciated maybe they think he is funny or charming and to you he is just him.
emotional disconnection can get something like talking started .. if someone develops feelings it is hard to just quit like that . reconnect on an emotional level.... remember what you saw in each other ... sooner is better the longer talks go on it is harder. jealousy and watching a person like a hawk does not help. communication is the cure.
Thank you, I most certainly am working on the weight loss mainly for myself, then my kids and my husband. I want to be healthier in the long run, and being more physically attractive would just be a bonus. I have come leaps and bounds with my self image but still have a long way to go. Starting as a child, when I started dressing myself, I would never even wear shorts because I hated how I looked, it took being with my husband for maybe 5 years or so to really start to be comfortable in my own skin and wear things like shorts or skirts. We have been together for about 19.5 years now, and as much as I want to look better for him, its always been for myself before him.
And we have talked about why he went talking to other women. He says he went looking for comfort and companionship because he was upset with me for charging things to credit cards without him being fully aware. We arent talking about crazy unnecessary things that he didnt know was being bought, we are talking about cell phone bills, groceries, Christmas gifts, stuff that yes, I should have just used our bank account for but got lost in the allure of the credit card perks and charged way too much without paying it off every month. I've taken responsibility for it, apologized countless times, and I know I was wrong and have stopped using credit cards completely. So yes, his talking to and developing feelings for other women was apparently my fault because I betrayed his financial trust.
@intelligentKitten412
I am glad you are doing things for you as the main focus. That is the only way it sticks.
No, it is not your fault....... but that is what a person who starts to chat uses as rationalization.. it would not be about cc ...but the disconnect of you doing one thing and he perhaps did know but did not put 2+2 together. or was frustrated with it not being a joint decision.
I will tell you i feel it is not one thing or anyone's fault but small things that add up and chip away over time. .
Example: my spouse does head nods like he is listening but then when item comes up claims i never told him.... there were other things like not discussing things and his way was always the right way ... i plan a trip he could have got a better deal ... he thinks he is helping but to me it was nit picking and talking down to me. so ..................... I found a friend online... for companionship who treats me better like i am interesting not head nods and disrespect. If it came to light i would probably pick one type reason instead of the long laundry list of how we lost each other.
so long story short ....
I made the decision to talk at first very innocently then a closer relationship....
I was not considering my spouse and only about me feeling better ......interesting and wanted and friend tells me he thinks i am beautiful.
too many things that drove a wedge between me and spouse.
This sounds exactly like what my husband has said. He said it started as innocent friendships, and he enjoyed how they made him feel and then developed feelings for one of them. Here's the real kicker...his so called innocent relationships ended up in me being harassed by them online, accused of so many things that are no where near remotely true - like claiming at least one of our kids isn't my husband and that I've been sleeping around on him - which never have I ever considered another guy since the first night we met 19.5yrs ago. It even progressed to them telling me to harm myself and if I dont and if I dont leave my husband that they would come after me. They stalked us on our family vacation a couple weeks ago and have continued.
@intelligentKitten412
Are these adults? just kidding but sounds like mean girls from high school...
He was careless in sharing your name or way to contact on some social. Was he telling tall tales ( lies) to make it seem like spouse is bad or does not understand him and to seem more available...almost anyone makes home life seem worse when they decide to date while married. I was physically cheated on decade plus ago by my spouse .....his reasoning was blowing up some issue we had to be much bigger and not true........not sure if it was to justify for him or the person.
sadly one cannot discount they may not be stable.
Have you had the sit down serious , NO distraction talk. Does he know these people have harassed you and said these things? This may be the time he needs to see how this is playing with fire. It sounds like you want to save your marriage and not divorce etc... what does he really want?
It is important to know just where you stand to start the healing and fixing problem. Maybe you are playing nice about this to keep peace but speaking openly is important. I see know I did not express my wants and needs as clearly as i should have before developing a friendship online. We are working on some things.
my online friend also married had no plans to leave his spouse we just made a "what if " fantasy that eventually fizzled.
Thats exactly what I said, this is like some middle school/high school crap with the harassment and then when the physical stalking started thats when it got scary...and we are talking about age ranges from 38-40 years old, how sad is that. He definitely shared very intimate details of our life with them, including our children's full names and the story behind choosing their names, which infuriated me beyond belief. I do know one of them invited him to come across the United States to be with them. And yes, he has been aware of the harassment since it started months ago, back in April. He however didn't really take it seriously until he realized the stalking on our vacation was very real...the messages I recieved while on vacation described what we were doing and even what we were wearing, and he even physically saw them following us twice, resulting in us leaving our vacation early for fear of what they would do. On our drive home from vacation he reached out to them again, after having cut off communication so he said - I obviously have no proof of this one way or another, and they had him questioning if I was sending these messages to myself. I lost it on him when he accused me of that, he was saying it doesn't make sense that they would come from different states to just follow us around and everything. At that point I went to a police officer friend of mine and opened an investigation, proving to him there is absolutely no way I could be doing this - not to mention I may be a little crazy but to think I would make up all this is absolutely absurd especially when there was messages being received right in front of him and he even saw the one.
He claims he doesn't want to throw away the past 19.5yrs, and wants to work it out, but I dont know. I know hes still hurt by my charging of things, and I know that will take time for him to really see I won't be that irresponsible again, but at the same time Im hurt by his actions and he doesn't seem to understand how I need some reassurance from him and how I need to see he is making an effort to put our marriage first before other "friendships" to start to trust him again. Especially considering the fact his "innocent" friendships have turned into a full blown police investigation with literal death threats to me.
@intelligentKitten412
hopefully he learned these people may have delusions... i never shared personal like my exact city i live etc or spouse/ family names.
it is hard if for example I quit talking to friend and I missed having this person to share with to joke with ...... as my spouse Has made very little effort to be there for me like I need. While maybe he gets this is gone too far but stalking report is not enough to save your marriage.
BOTH need to be honest about what each other does not like but tolerated ... what things you have not talked about ... making plans and doing something together and not going back to day to day rut.
Yes, I agree on honesty, and we have had some very difficult conversations and are considering couples therap. He has always been anti therapy, but he has started inching towards it maybe being a good idea. I would be completely fine with couples therapy, I know we both have things that we could learn from and improve on...I do have concerns about it however because my husband is very hard headed and doesn't like when someone suggests something that isn't inline with his opinions/views so I can see it not really helping, but maybe I'm wrong. We are also starting to implement some suggestions from therapy blogs and what not that we have read to start to build on repairing things, I'm just having a hard time because I'm triggered when hes on his phone acting like how he did when he was talking to these other people and he doesn't understand.
I do also understand your comment about if you had to stop talking to your friend and how that would be a loss. Before the harassment and stalking started, after I initially found out about the "friendships", I was hurt but I told him straight up, while I wasn'thappy about him confiding in other women, if thats what made him feel better, I understood and just asked to not be pushed to the side and for him to give me and our marriage the time of day again.
@intelligentKitten412
IMO Therapy is like a gym membership only good if you use regularly and put a good amount of effort in to it. therapist only guide people ... they need to do the work. I did my own sessions and came away with more clarity about what i need and want in a relationship.
I offered couples counseling but spouse was not receptive and pushed off all times we could schedule... he thinks he is winning me back by buying me things OR making travel plans that just stress me out ... not fixing the things i want or need fixed.
I hope you have better luck.
Absolutely agree, which is why I'm hesitant to think it would really work knowing my husbands personality...which is why we are trying to implement things on our own. I hope you can find some solution to your situation that leaves everyone ultimately happy.
Intelligent Kitten, I am so sorry you are going through this, your post really hits me as we seem to be going through the exact same thing it’s horrible I wish I could give you answers and the right thing to say , if you need a listening ear I am happy to be here, I’m so triggered by my husband on his phone and last night I know he was doing it again and back to where I was in pain trying to be strong for our children for my own sanity but I can’t I literally want to scream, but I fear I won’t even be heard, he tells me it’s innocent but I saw a message where they confessed love and his desire to move when confronted he said he shouldn’t of said them words, and admitted I have to deal with the fact they are talking he needs her and helps him it’s all innocent and it’s me who needs to understand that , I know it’s wrong but why can’t I walk away.
Your weight does not define you, please don’t put yourself down, I’m here to listen from another woman who’s husband is doing the same , I’m so sorry for what your going through
Definitely sounds like we are going through very similar situations. I'm sorry you are also dealing with this kind of betrayal...at least thats how I see it, a frank betrayal of the sanctity of marriage. And I've asked myself the same thing, why can't I walk away and I've realized its because I believe we once had something very special and I have hope that if we can get through this we could come out even stronger and better than ever. I just have to hope he sees it too and will put in the effort.