My husband has said some pretty cruel things and I don't know how to get past it.
So for some back story, my husband had emotionally cheated on me, which progressed to the other women finding me and contacting me via social media with harassing messages to the extent of threatening my life. It got so bad that they even stalked us on a family vacation. I went to the cops after we left our vacation early because I was honestly scared for my life. Unfortunately, they got off with a simple warning of not to contact me or come anywhere near me. Crazy thing is, they literally came from other states, yes, they, there were 2 women my husband had been talking to who were friends with eachother, one of them he developed romantic feelings. Anyway, I forgave him and we had been working to get our marriage back on track, but the other day everything blew up because he said he will never forgive me and what he did with the emotional cheating (which he doesn't believe is a thing because it wasn't physical) was a direct result of what I did. I admit my wrong doing, I ran up credit card debt on things for our family without him being aware, and I have made huge changes with spending and hardly ever use a credit card anymore because I know what I did was financial infidelity and I was completely in the wrong. Back to what happened the otherday. He flipped out on me because he made the comment about having been talking to his friend (who he did have a thing for and has said many times before that the only reason they didnt end up together was because of his ex before me), and her husband physically cheated on her with a friend of theirs, and said how our problems are nothing compared to what she has been dealing with. I took that as him completely diminishing my feelings over his emotional affair and all the harassment, stalking, and straight up fear of my life. So yes, I got a little defensive but tried to say how its not right to make such a comment and he continued to diminish the situation we had dealt with for months (8+ months). He ended up walking away from me, so I decided I was going to go work on our old house that we are trying to get ready to sell after tenants we rented to completely destroyed the place instead of sitting around being mad and upset. Well he stopped me, took and hid my keys and told me I wasn't going anywhere and told me how I was over reacting. Well, after a while I finally got my keys back after he left. I went to the old house to get some work done and he was there. He left and came back home, I stayed for a few hours before coming home, he was asleep and went to work the next day, then came the talk of divorce. Saying how he made up his mind, he wants a divorce because I have ruined his life and I'm the worst person he has ever known. Verbally attacking me in every possible way, so I gave in, and said if thats what he wants then file the paperwork. He proceeded to tell me thibgs he told these other women, things he never told me, and I really thought I couldnt be more hurt by his emotional affair but he disclosed that he told them things that are deeply personal to me that I had told him in confidence, so I just felt that much more betrayed and like I have no one to trust or confide in. I didn't have any hope left of salvaging our 20 years together. Well later that day, a few hours after he got home from work, he called me while I was still working at the old house and asked me to come home. This was after I told him I would not be home that night and that I was staying there while I figured out my best course of action because I was not going to live in the same house as someone who thinks so little of me. He asked me to come home again and that maybe he changed his mind. After all day, him saying he wants a divorce and nothing will change his mind, crushing any hope I had to save our relationship. I told him not to do that, because I don't want to start to have any hope again, and he said he had a really bad dream and he wanted to talk to me about it and how he wanted to do it face to face. I said I was trying to get things done and he started accusing me of not wanting to help him, and while he has never done anything that really made me think he would purposely harm himself, something in his voice scared me, so I did go home. He told me his drean was basically a conversation with his dad who passed away suddenly years ago and how his dad said things he always wished he had heard and had so many things answered and then he told his dad about our situation and his dad told him how disappointed he was that ny husband was throwing away someone that has always been there for him even in his worst moments, someone who made him a better person, and someone who so clearly loved him unconditionally. He said he woke up crying (he never cries) because while he doesn't believe in an afterlife, everything that was said was definitely things his dad would have said. He was crying while telling me this. I dont know, I really don't think I could feel any more alone than I do now. I trusted my husband with everything, things I never told other people, and he had no problem telling random people. Who can I trust now? My family, no, my family isn't that way, I'm closer to his family than my own, but I clearly can't talk to them because I don't want them to think badly of him. Friends, I had 2 really good friends, who while I wouldn't want them to think badly of him either, I know my husbands emotional affair contacted them (police disclosed that messages were sent to them, thats how I know, I dont know what the messages said), and I hardly hear from them anymore. Like we used to talk multiple times a week, and for the past few months it will go weeks before I hear back from them. Our oldest child's 18th birthday is coming up and these 2 friends are essentially family, we always celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and I asked them over a week ago if they would have time to come celebrate his birthday and silence...so while I wish they would have told me about being contacted by the emotional affair partner, whatever was said to them has clearly ruined our friendship. I just feel so completely alone, and I do love my husband and would love our marriage to continue, but how can I trust him again. Like I forgave him for the affair, but now knowing he happily made up things about me to tell them to make them realize how much he hates me (yes, thats what he said), and most of all throwing around my deeply personal history that he knows was hard for me to discuss with him in the first place and he also knew he was the only one I was comfortable enough with to tell...I just feel like how can this be fixed, how can I trust telling him anything anymore. Like he says that dream he had made him realize how badly he wants to work this out, but I just dont know. Its all just too much and as I am currently sitting next to him in bed, I can't help but want to reach out to him and accept his occasional gestures to hold hands or hug or lay together, but I know I will fall apart because I don't know how to go about fixing what has been damaged in my mind now and how to gain that deep trust back. I also am skeptical about how long this will last, him wanting to make things better...after all a dream is what made him change his mind. For the record, unlike him, I do believe his dad very well could have visited him in his dream. I know his dad loved me, and I know he would want us to fight to work through this because he knew we had something special.
@intelligentKitten412 leave this reads unhealthy
@intelligentKitten412 love is tough
@intelligentKitten412 if you wan the long story, you need to think about you and how much you like living every day.... youve reached out to see if someone in the internet is willing to talk.... that should say *** him and do your thing
@intelligentKitten412
The situation sounds very hard, and I cannot begin to fathom how upsetting it must be for you. Trust is something that is very hard to repair once it has been damaged, and it is understandable why you are feeling so hurt by it all.
Feeling conflicted about wanting to be comforted by your husband but at the same time feeling mistrust and being reminded of all that has transpired and been said sounds heart-breaking, and I imagine, very exhausting.
It sounds like a lot of cruel things were said, and the mixed messages you are receiving cannot be helping you feel any less anxious and hurt. It is admirable that you are not turning to those who might offer emotional support out of a rationale of not wanting them to think less of your husband, but it sounds like that approach is making you feel very alone and isolated. Keeping it all inside sounds like it is hurting you greatly.
Your scepticism about your husbands seeming change of heart is understandable given the circumstances you have described. Perhaps there may need to be some difficult decisions to make in the near future. If you feel there is something worth salvaging, and it is what you truly want, then do not let anyone sway your decision. Likewise, if you decide that things need to change (in whatever form that ends up being), it is your life and people who care about you will understand that you need to do what you need to do. I think maybe if there is someone you feel comfortable reaching out to, it might be helpful. Holding all this inside sounds like a herculean effort, and it isn't fair that you should shoulder all that on your own.
I hope things become easier for you soon, whatever your situation ends up being.
Kya hum kuch time bat kr sakta han mare be apke jasay he halat han
@intelligentKitten412
It sounds exhausting to live in this constant push and pull. I’m in a hot and cold oscillating situation with my wife so I sympathize there.
You’ve endured betrayal, public humiliation, and even moments where you feared for your safety, and now you’re left questioning whether the man you’ve loved for decades is someone you can ever truly trust again. It makes complete sense that you would feel torn between wanting to protect yourself and still longing for the closeness you once shared.
One thing that stands out is how much weight you’ve been carrying alone: keeping his secrets, protecting his image, and losing friends in the process. That kind of isolation makes the trauma even heavier. You deserve safe spaces where your story can be heard and where you don’t have to manage his reputation. Whether that’s with a therapist, a trusted family member, or a support group (like this one or others) reconnecting with people who can hold you in this will be essential.
Right now, I would say the central question isn’t whether the marriage can be saved, but whether your emotional safety can be restored. That requires clear boundaries, consistent accountability from him, and space for you to heal without pressure. A dream or moment of regret may spark hope, but genuine change comes from sustained actions, not fleeting words.
You are not crazy for feeling pulled in both directions . Unfortunately, that’s what happens when love and harm become intertwined. But please know this: your pain is valid, your fears are valid, and you deserve a relationship (whether with him or, one day, apart from him) where you feel safe, respected, and truly valued.
@intelligentKitten412
What do you really want? stay together or separate? trust is built back very slowly. it takes time not just given back. Especially if we hold on to items like him sharing something personal ...that is out of the bag no going back to before. Maybe his dream was a realization of all he considered throwing away. When people are hurt of angry they say things like "divorce" without really thinking it through.
Regardless of your choice... KNOW your real Why. You do not have to explain or rationalize to anyone else. If you need to talk to someone do it ......it is not about making him look bad it is helping you work through your thoughts. Only a good friend can share honest feedback not just a echo chamber of agreeing with just a one sided glimpse of the big picture.
Have you considered couples counseling where you both can reflect on why or how things happened..with a neutral person? .. Your overspending or his seeking a emotional connection with others and keeping secrets happened for a reason even if we cannot explain to others in a way they can understand.
IMO too many think ...What ever the item is and we can move past........ but unless the Core issues are solved the same can happen again. I do not think it was your running up a Credit card as much as why you did not confide in him ...before it was a big problem. I bet he has trust issues with you as well.
IMO things snowball into other things and we play back and forth with who did what when.... and that is not the whole story. If someone has develops an emotional connection with another person it is that what ever they are getting out of that is NOT happening at home. Married people "talk" but we seldom listen deeply. We get defensive or place blame and compare with you did that.... instead of just listening. These women might have been nuts to make threats and go over the top but at a time they were listening to him and making him feel heard....
the WHY to me is more important in really understanding then the what happened.... when asked why we make a plausible story not always sharing the real issues ... because our spouse may not listen or see what we are talking about ......I have been in those shoes...