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jkoo
1,527 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts33 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2018 Member sinceFebruary 14, 2018
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Hi guys, need some opinion / advice or really just someone to talk to.
Personality Disorders Support / by jkoo
Last post
 June 23rd, 2018
...See more First and foremost I'm very sorry, because this is going to be a long one! I've been on 7cups for a while now. Previously when I was still fresh out of a breakup, I was having some extreme sucidal thoughts... it was so overwhelming that I scrambled around online, found this site and immediately subscribed myself to a therapist. She was very professional and had been in the industry for 20 years. We spoke for about a month and with me taking some tests, we eventually came to a conslusion that I could very well have BPD. I did a lot of research on my own and afterwards tried to look for help/ treatment in person. But I couldn't found that BPD is not very well known among the medical health institutions where I am. I will admit too that i have a lot of doubts just going to see a therapist / psychiatrist in person.... I've heard of a lot of bad stories from friends and I'm very worried I might be judged, or migdiagnosed, or simply be neglected and just given some meds to deal with (happened to one of the friends). It's been 3 months since the breakup and the discovery... I started out a wreck, now I'm not crying every time of the day anymore. But sometimes, most of the time, my lows are still very, very low. I guess the fact that I'm living on my own far away from family and my close friends doesn't help. I do make the occasional effort to hang out, go to church etc and am generally friendly in my workplace. But I'm no extrovert so I can only do that to an extent, and even with I feel very disconnected. I think what's worse is that I still have these 'outbursts' that - try as hard as I may to control them, they just come out anyway. If I'm at my low point and I pour it all out to a friend and they choose to not reply - for whatever reasons they have - there I go feeling butthurt and running rampant on them. Heck, I even ran rampant on an online friend whom I've only known for only like a month or two! I have this trigger - where if someone ignores me or say they will be there for me, but don't.... I will feel very intense emotions. I fight very hard to keep them inside, but sometimes they are just too much and they break out. And then after all the damage is done all I feel is immense guilt. I think this part of it all is driving me crazy, because when you're on the verge of losing it you just feel like you are totally in the right about your feelings.... but afterwards all you feel is shame. I don't really know what to do.... should I just keep pushing on? Sometimes I feel fine, other times not so much. But it's just that the highs are really high and the lows are really low. Can I get better without treatment? I really do appreciate anyone who actually takes time to read this. Thanks and have a nice day!
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Newly diagnosed with BPD - urgently need a listener to talk to
Personality Disorders Support / by jkoo
Last post
 March 8th, 2018
...See more First and foremost, I have posted a few threads in the other categories prior to this... sorry about the spam. I was just recently dumped from a 5 year relationship. It was quite serious - we thought we were going to marry each other. Him and I have been in an LDR for more than 2 years now - for these past few years it has been quite unhealthy, a lot of bad stuff happened but it was pretty much all my fault. Few days ago I have only just been diagnosed with BDP. Prior to this I never know what it is, all along I thought I was just very emotional and immature etc but a lot of my actions make sense now. But it just makes me feel worse. I became more and more self-aware of how terrible I was throughout this LDR. I did so many things to hurt him. Terribly. I am currently left alone working abroad with no one to speak to, my ex-boyfriend was my pillar and my best friend throughout all the problems I encountered working here. I thought that all along he knew the person I am, and supported me throughout. But I was blinded to the fact that I had sucked the life out of him too and he could no longer see me for who I used to be. I have tried my best to overcome to guilt, I want to change myself for the better, want to be strong for my family and the people who stil cares but it is getting worse. Everywhere I go I am left with memories of him. I look up to him like a parental figure and I guess it's the abandonment issues talking, but I really cannot get over him leaving. It's a very long story... I don't have anyone in my life to talk about my situation. I am talking to a therapist daily, but I still find myself going deeper and deeper into my suicidal thoughts. Someone please help me.
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Some kind words for someone trying to become a better person?
General Support / by jkoo
Last post
 March 21st, 2018
...See more It was not until recently that I've realised... I have been a terrible person for 25 years of my life. I have always been very overthinking, emotionally-driven, easily agitated and negative. And those traits have caused me to hurt people. A lot of people. Immensely. Even the people who loved me greatly (my family, ex-boyfriend and ex friends) I am committed on a path to change myself now. I am putting my focus on work, on helping others, on family, on talking to a therapist, on reading self-help books... etc (for people who might be concerned). But the guilt of breaking people and hurting them in the past is eating me up alive everyday. Some days, it's so bad that I just want to give up. Especially knowing how the people who onced loved me do not even look at me the same way anymore. I know I have to snap out of this... I know the guilt truly isn't helping anyone. If anyone has some advice or words just to motivate me... that would be great. I'll make myself come back and read this everyday to be strong. Thank you and hope everyone's having a nice day.
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