leibabu Member Profile

...See more So I had like no idea where to post this cause there was not a psychosis forum anywhere, so here I am creating a new thread. So yesterday, or should I say last night, well I need to give some information about how I've been doing this past week first. Since I got back into the swing university after spring break's end, I haven't been doing well. I haven't been doing well this entire semester really. It's my first year in university and I was so excited to get away from my parents (for reasons I won't get into cause I fully typed it out and it didn't even reach the point I was going to make) and now we're halfway through spring semester and I am still feeling like utter shit. I thought it was burnout at first but I am interested in a lot of things and when I get bored I just kinda sleep or find something else to entertain me and that usually happens. Well I started writing, joined a lot of clubs, took officer positions in 4/5 of them, got a tattoo like I always wanted and started doing more witchy events with my pagan friends (divination, moon walks, wilderness immersion, etc.) and that kinda of cleansed my palette and I was able to walk hand in hand with boredom again without it crushing me with a brick wall instead. But yesterday I got hit with something else entirely. I am always in a constant state of boredom or apathy, or some time of void where emotions don't exist or show on my face 53% of the time with unless it is loud laughter (that occurs 35% of the time) or crying that lasts for hours (only happens 4% of the time) and if you can't tell by the percentages I like to kinda have stuff make sense (and won't it make sense with math? hopefully?) but I couldn't figure out that other 8% of the time where my brain doesn't make any sense. (Trigger warning: psychosis, graphic descriptions of itching, blood, and hallucinations) After I got out of my evening class I went straight to my dorm room to go to bed early at the since I had been feeling like shit all week. I had a migraine that lasted 3 days and was still going strong and no appetite, having almost threw up looking at a donut that day at dinner. I get ready to go to sleep and do my night routine I actually had energy to do for once since I hadnt properly taken care of myself all spring break and since we go back. I get in the bed and as I am scrolling through my social media my whole body starts to itch really bad and I get black spots in my vision. I put my phone down and took my glasses off and rest my eyes for a little bit before opening it again but I began to have really intrusive thoughts at this point. I thought of cutting off all my friends, if college was even worth it at this point, and what the point of living even was and moving away from everyone into the middle of nowhere and destroying all the relationships I have without a care in the world. My head starts to hurt more and I pull the covers over my head and try to go to sleep even though the light in the room is blaringly bright. My new tattoo then begins to itch a lot and then starts HURTING and feeling like the skin is being peeled off, and I see this shadow in the corner of the hole of the blanket that isnt covering me fully and my mind goes to thinking its my roommate seeing my tattoo for the first time and trying to scrape it off while telling me how disappointed God would be in me (which confused me cause Im not a Christian) and I look and see her on her bed. I realize that is not true, and try to sleep again- my body starts to itch even more and I try to not itch and put various items on it: cortizone, unscented lotion, aloe vera gel, and nothing works! So I leave it alone and get back in bed and then I start feeling this crawling sensation under my skin, slowly traveling up my legs and arms, and my brain jumps to it being a bunch of worms crawling under my skin, wriggling through my veins and through my body and I start freaking out and shaking on the bed. I look at the clock and when I got in the bed it was 11:45 but when I looked at it again when I applied the creams it was close to 1:00 and then when I looked at it now, shaking under the bed covers, it was 2:30. I couldnt figure out where the other part of the hours went, and I stopped shaking only to be replaced with a heavy sense of confusion. My body is still itching at this point, and me, still confused, begins to feel it even more and get up to itch the shit outta myself. So I itch and itch and itch and itch, and I itch until I bleed and I itch some more. I itch so much I re-open old scratches in places where I had accidents and find places where there is lines I dont understands. I dont stop itching even when I get up to go wash my legs that kept itching for awhile, and I had trouble getting to and from the room cause my eyes couldnt focus on anything straight ahead, it was like I was wobbling. I get back in the bed after washing them and my tattoo and lotioning it and applying aloe vera gel one more time and get comfortable again. I suddenly get this huge sense of panic and get up throwing all my sheets off the bed, calling them contaminated in my head and throwing all them in the hamper and replaced all of them and even replacing the new blanket I get again and my throw blankets and just spiking them into the closet. Back in the bed again I get to the point where I begin to fall asleep and my brain wakes me up again repeating the bed is wobbling, the bed is wobbling, theyre shaking the bed again, please tell them stop, we gotta make them stop and I dont understand and then I feel the bed move and the ground move and Im now gripping onto the bed viciously trying not to shake and cry and scream cause my roommate is right next to me and I dont wanna have more people come into my room like last time cause the shaking will start up again- and it doesnt stop no matter how slowly I turn or how slowly I peek over my new comforter to see if there is anything there and under the bed and I look at the clock again and its 3:59. At this point I start crying silently in my bed and getting choked up and I slowly reach out and grab my headphones and set my favorite playlist from soundcloud on that I play to help me feel safe and it ends up not helping like it SHOULD, and I have given up at this point and put my headphones and phone back up to charge and just hope that sleep will mercifully take me- and it does. So I was fully aware of this when it was happening but I didnt think I was going crazy and I couldnt understand anything of what was going on and posted it to my Instagram that my friends follow in the hope someone would text me and ground me and that didnt happen either. Im posting this cause I want to have someone that I could text next time when something like this happens cause I was so scared and I thought I was going to die and everything was rushing through my head and I almost triggered myself writing this, sorry its so long I cant keep looking at this anymore.

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