PLEASE help me recover? I'm desperate
I'm new here, so if anyone has any support they'd like to extend my way, that would be really appreciated. I posted this also on the anorexia thread but I'm really desperate & have received no replies yet & really, really need some guidance.
First off, I'll put a TW here as to warn those who are fragile & more vulnerable because I respect and wholeheartedly understand where you stand as I've been there. I do empathize with you. I'll also post a warning because I only want those who are motivated, or truly recovered, healthy mind-set individuals to extend their wisdom and support. I unfortunately cannot afford to be subjected to a vile mind because I'm slipping back into those behaviors & I am very sick. I want to stop myself & change for the sake of my wellbeing. Thanks for understanding.
My story in a nutshell (as it's too long & more importantly, in the past & not where I want to be today) is that i've been battling anorexia nervosa for about 4 years. I had a brief recovery period for 9 months last year into earlier this year when I relapsed both physically & mentally. I was doing so great during my recovery period & want desperately to get back there but for some reason my mind is so distorted and I can't seem get out of this "rut." Though my physical recovery has resumed itself (I gained back the 6+ lbs that fell off during relapse, which doesn't sound like a lot but I'm naturally tiny so each pound really counts before I start looking emaciated). I don't even know how much I weighed pre-ED but I assume around [edited for weight specifics / triggers by forum mentor] at 5'3. In the span of a few short weeks/months I went down to [edited] & then back to [edited] where I remained for some-odd years. This lasted until last year when I decided to recover after a health scare & got myself back to [edited], which felt great but I was still experiencing loss of menstruation, which suggests to me that I still didn't weight enough, perhaps? Any input here?? Was I not truly 'recovered'? Well, long story short I relapsed back down to 90 something lbs and now I'm back at it at [edited] and got my period after taking a dose of birth control from my dr last month. I don't even know if I'll get my period naturally next month at this weight because I am not taking the birth control again. If I don't get it again, I'll be really, really upset. I really fear that would be a red flag.. My dr does not know I have anorexia & although we discussed my restrictive eating behaviors she never considered anorexia, nor asked me about it, or recommended any kind of professional help whatsoever regarding an ED. I am appalled at how little doctors know about disordered eating...
The thing is, I want to recover. I am so exhausted mentally and it's wearing on me. I feel like I've wasted these years of my life due to my behaviors and yet I can't let them go. I can't seem to rid myself of this anorexia identity no matter how hard I try. And dammit I am trying so hard. It's such a yo-yo process with being motivated, ready & determined to fight & quit these behaviors and yet I'll still choose one of my "safe" meals or severely limit what I really crave because of what I've "already eaten" that day. I can't live this way forever.. What adult acts in this way? While I feel better physically now & can fill out my clothes a little better I'm still wearing size 0 at 20 something years old. People comment that I'm "barely there/exist" (I've had this comment twice in one day, and it broke my heart). I have an infection that would take a healthy person maybe 5 days to get over, but it's taking me upwards of 2+ weeks.
I don't know what to do. While physically I don't look as "terrible" as I have in the past, my mentality is unhealthy. I cut my food into small pieces & eat slow as to "make it last" and get upset by disrupt in my routine. I am TIRED of mentally figuring what I "can" & "cannot" eat in regards to what I ate yesterday, earlier that day or will consume tomororw. I don't want to think of the word "carbs" or "fat" anymore - I'm drained of that. I want to cry everyday and I probably do. I feel like I don't know how to eat & find myself doing more & more "weird" things in regards to eating. I hate eating with certain people & all I can remember at the end of dinner is how loud my thoughts about if I was eating enough, if I took enough xx, if I ate too fast, too slow, etc. I want to eat how I ate years ago & I don't know what happened to that girl. I can hardly remember her.
I've never had professional help as only my mother knows of my struggles. What do I do? Do I still need help? I feel "recovered" physically but only eat [edited] (that's a stretch, really) calories per day and Don't want to increase & get fat. Now I know that's disordered but it's how I feel.
Someone told me they would kill to look like me (they don't know of my ed) and my heart shattered because that's exactly what I did.. I killed myself to look this way.
That comment has stuck with me into infinity.
Please help & share personal experience. I just want to get better. Thank you.
First, thank you for reaching out here, for the support you deserve.
You have accomplished so much, and you are still striving to be healthy and move forward. You have much to be proud of, in my opinion.
Have you explored the self help guides here at 7 Cups of Tea? There are several, and one is for eating disorders, if you would like to explore that one?
I hear that you are tired, and I also hear that you are here, reaching out for support.
Please know that you are not alone. I commend your courage and tenacity as you move forward in what you have shared here with us.
@m3tr0st4t10n - My heart breaks for you reading this, and it's something I can definitely relate to. I know you are exhausted and so sick of doing this, but that it's also so hard to get the energy to do anything else. I fact that you want desperately to recover is huge, and so much more important than anything else, as is the fact that you are reaching out here.
I think the biggest thing is starting to surround yourself with recovery. That can mean a lot of things, from therapy to support groups to supportive friends and family to support networks online, but you need to have a lot of positive voices to help combat the negative ED voices. When your disordered thoughts are screaming at you to restrict or that something is enough when you know it isn't, you need other voices that you trust to help set your mind straight. What resources do you currently have? Who is your support network today?
Because you've recovered for a time before, it may help to make lists of all the reasons you want to be recovered again - what could you do then that you can't do now? What are your biggest motivations to get back to that place? And how did you get there before? What was most helpful to your recovery then, and how can you get it back now?
I know it's a slow process, so try to remember that and not get frustrated with yourself when it doesn't come fast. Work for the small victories - eating one meal that doesn't feel safe; having a few more calories than you're comfortable with; etc. And then celebrate them when you achieve them. Take each big goal one step at a time - it's slow, but you will get there and it will get easier with time.
And reach out. To friends, to family, to doctors (or at least ones who understand EDs), to me or another listener here. Reach out for the support you need and lean on others when you are too exhausted to keep doing it on your own.
You are strong and amazing and you absolutely can do this. Take care.
Wow.. Thank you so much for this. I wish I could eloquently deliver a message that could appropriately address the degree of my gratitude but I can't even find the words. I really hope thank you suffices.
I had to cry while I read this - partly in knowing that others share such a miserable battle with myself & partly because of your advice. It really made me feel like I was worthy of recovering, which I struggle with sometimes.
i fear that I am going to keep repeating these old behaviors without any source of help.. I didn't want my help to come from a professional outlet in the depths of my anorexia because I feared the lingering threat of hospitalization. I feel that im physically out of those boundaries now though my mental recovery hasn't improved much.. Im also fearful of the cost of treatment as I can't imagine burdening my parents. My mother is the only person who knows most of my anorexia struggles & yet she says a therapist isn't going to change me because I need to want to change myself and I do but don't know how anymore because obviously my attempt at self recovery backfired..
how ow did you seek help? What treatment path did you take? If you don't mind my asking..
i feel like I need someone to monitor what I eat & how much I eat. Someone to hold me accountable because I'm not doing it for myself.. I can't imagine why but at the same time I know it's because I'm sick. I feel inexplainably guilty in my decision to eat and it absolutely tortures me.. I don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling this way in the back of my mind & acting in ridiculous manners.
How do I seek help? How do I ask my mother that I get help because I need it? She is my best friend & we are really close so I can't imagine why she was so adamant about me not needing therapy k that I could do this on my own.
Thank you again so much.
I also really struggle with the debate on calorie counting. While I maintain feelings it could be detrimental to my recovery I have NO idea how many I am consuming & therefore, don't know how to "increase" properly without any sort of a baseline..
i assume (based off rough calculations/guesstimates) that I am coming in somewhere between 1000-1300 a day..
i don't even know how many calories a recovering anorexic should consume so that's another quandary of mine.
thanks again & I apologize for the endless rambling.
@anomalia the above two posts were directed at you. I apologize that I previously failed to mention so.
Thank you again.
@m3tr0st4t10n - I can tell you really want to recover, and that is so enormous.
I'll start by saying, my method for recovery isn't necessarily what I would recommend. I didn't see a therapist and I really regret that because while I did eventually get there, it took WAY longer than it needed to and included far more relapses than I think I would have had. So if you are no longer concerned about being forced into hospitalization, I think you should seriously consider if therapy is an option, particularly with someone who specializes in eating disorders. If you're concerned about money, you can look to see what your insurance might cover or if you can find a therapist who works on a sliding scale for payments (effectively, pay what you can afford).
If you still feel that therapy isn't a good option for you, or if you do go that direction, but want to supplement with other things, there are still a lot of options. Far and away the most helpful thing for me was attending a support group. I was able to once a week meet with other people struggling with eating disorders and I found that hearing them speak helped me feel understood, gave me new ideas for my own recovery, and helped put into words things I was feeling but couldn't articulate. You can find support groups online and if you're in the USA, I recommend the ones through anad.org
I think another really important piece is having supporters - that can help with accountability, with distraction when you need it, and even just with having someone else to remind you that you matter and deserve recovery when you're having a hard time believing it. It sounds like your mom is already a great supporter, but it may help to expand that group a bit. Are there any friends you think you might be able to talk to? You can also get support online. If you want to PM me, I'd be happy to set up some time to chat with you and I've been an 'accountability buddy' for several people on here already. I obviously can't see what you're eating and tell you if it's enough, but you can check in with me each morning or night to tell me what you've been able to eat, how the day went, etc. if you just need to know that someone else is aware when you're restricting.
As to the calories thing, that's tough because calorie counting can get dangerous fast. A lot of nutritionists who focus on eating disorders will recommend planning meals based on exchanges instead - in other words, each day you should eat a certain number of starches, dairies, fats, etc.and there are lists for each of what counts. That way you are tracking to something, but it isn't calories. You can find meal plans online that might help.
Hope that's helpful. Again, feel free to message me if there's anything else I can help with!
@anomalia
Thanks Again for all of your help & my apologies for the delayed response. I actually had a deep conversation with my mother recently & she told me her fears as to why she was so resistant for me receiving therapy.. She doesn't want me to be stuck with a "label" going through insurance that would cause later judgement and preconceived notions in situations such as for jobs etc. I do understand this, but at the same time I do realize I need some help. She said I could always pay for it out of pocket myself but I understand that could get costly.. Not to put a price on my health because that's of utmost importance to me but seeing both a therapist and a dietitian is expensive. I would actually much rather just see a dietitian at this point because I really, severely struggle with portioning my food, eating on an appropriate & healthy fixed schedule and consuming enough calories/exchanges as you had mentioned.
in the meantime I told my mother I would look up how to know how much I should be eating, etc . I know I would not find an answer unique to my body, but a rough estimate will have to do I assume.. I don't know what to do at this point. I love my mother more than anything and her undying will to protect me is
@anomalia
(continued from last post, sorry it got cut off) ..her undying will to protect me is blatantly apparent to me. I wish this would be easier. I wish I never even got an eating disorder.
Basically what I'm posting to ask is where can I find meal plans online that would be a sample of what someone is eating on a 2500 calorie diet? I picked that number thinking it was a good start point for recovery, though I don't even know if it is or not. Anyway, where could I find an example of this? I assume I'll just follow (roughly) an example meal plan therefore I wouldn't have to be all consumed with calorie counting & could still basically get in an adequate amount to begin recovery.
There are days I really feel like marching into my primary doctors office &, like a criminal, turning myself in. I can't because I'm too afraid of where It would end up. Im not even sickly as skinny as I used to be so I don't know if they could "force" recovery on me but I'm too adfraid to find that out.
thanks again.
@m3tr0st4t10n - I'm glad to hear that you are so committed to recovery. I can understand your mom's fear, but it's likely worth doing some research on what will impact you later in insurance, jobs, etc., and what will not as there are often a lot of misconceptions about that. And I agree that a dietician/nutritionist sounds like it could be really helpful to you right now.
For the time being, I did a bit of googling to find some resources on meal plans. If you want to do further digging, I was googling things like "eating disorder meal plan exchanges" and "2500 calorie meal plan for eating disorder". It's important to include eating disorder or anorexia as otherwise you get a lot of fitness meal plans which are very different (high protein, low carb, rather than balanced) or diet plans which are not helpful!
One additional note - I think exchanges are helpful in moving you away from calorie counting and towards healthy meal planning and intuitive eating. They let you choose foods that are even substitutes for each other without constantly reading nutrition labels and feel more like creating a balanced meal, rather than adding up the calories.
This link is a blog post with a couple meal plans that this girl has gone through in her recovery. If you scroll down to the pictures, she has two that lay out sample meal plans at around the level you are looking at, set as exchanges with examples.
This link has a lot of exchange options to help fill in and give you some versatility in your meals. It also links to a couple sample meal plans.
This link just has some good information on nutrition and interesting facts about where the nutrients end up going - might be helpful to keep up the motivation and remind yourself that calories are not the same as weight and fat.
Hope those help. As always, feel free to reach out anytime. <3