Does this sound like depression.? Please help..
It's really a long story, so i'll just give the nutshell for now..
About 4 years ago I was forced to stop talking to/being in my online relationship because my mother did not approve of it. When she had asked me if I really loved the person I was talking to I panicked & replied no.. I wish I had said yes. I wish I had stood up for myself and for us because I did and I am almost certain I still do. She almost scared me into not being with them anymore, and I do love my mother very, very much & we are very close, especially now that I am not in a relationship anymore..
Anyway, a few months after that I entered almost what I call a "panic" wherein I've had to be with my mother 24/7 since & feel that if I am not that she will replace me and I'll have no one.. So Im always with her. I'm bitter toward everyone else, when I used to be close with a lot of other people. Now I"m just so fxckin irritated that I can't even deal with it anymore. SInce then I've also radically changed in my appearance.. I used to be extremely tom-boyish and into heavy metal music.. Now i'm extremely feminine & really, i hate it. I wonder if i used that as a way to cover up how I really feel. I felt that I had to almost 'win my mother over' so she would still love me. I hate having a chest. So I starved myself and lost so much weight that it disappeared, but my ED is a different story. I miss how I used to dress & my old style. I feel now that people would just think I'm crazy.. I feel so indecisive it makes me shudder. I'm tired of crying.. And all this started after I had to leave him. Worst of all, my grades dropped almost 360.. That nearly kills me.
I'm safe, so please don't worry.. I just don't know what to do & these thoughts won't go away. I'm exhausted by my own mind. Can anyone please help? What is going on?
A lot of us feel like something is missing when we have a radical change in our life that we don't want. Normally this change causes us to act completely different ourself.
Perhaps a bit of soul searching is needed? Maybe sit your mother down and explain to her how unhappy you are and exactly what you've told us; you feel like when you said to her that you were not in love with this boy, you actually were.
She'll hopefully understand, and if not then you need to question who you are, and then change your life for the better.
*hugs*
It sounds like there's a lot to unpack. Part of it might be separation anxiety, but there's also an awareness that you're incredibly dependent on her and that makes you frustrated. Especially because it seems like you've lost a large part of your identity as well as your friends the past few years.
I'm sorry that this happened to you :(
A listener and a 1-1 chat to just talk about this and try to understand your past more could be helpful, perhaps?