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neveleneves
2 585 M Embraced 4
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts81 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes33 Current upvotes33 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceApril 8, 2026
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I don't usually feel alone
General Support / by neveleneves
Last post
 April 19th
...See more I have loving friends and am a friendly person. Some of my friendships are over 20 years running. I also have a strong lovely relationship with my mom and sister. They're my best friends. My recent loss, due to a suicide, it's ripping me up. I don't feel like they understand. And I don't want them to understand. I wouldn't wish them to glimpse this feeling even for one second. I've tried talking to them but it doesn't feel like they connect. I've never felt this alone in anything before. I don't want to hear the usual stuff. I don't want anyone to live through this with me, or make anyone re live their own experience. But it would help to know others have felt this. I cry daily. It's been a month and a half. I feel guilt, anger, all that stuff. Unable to go to work some days. I miss him so much. I have texted him knowing he's gone. I keep thinking I'll see him again. His pain was something I can't even imagine. At random times I'm suddenly thinking how he must have felt. I would do anything and I mean absolutely anything to go back in time and tell him he's a good person who is loved. He was so kind, and felt so unloved. The world is so *** now that he's gone. Nothing seems the same, or even real. Thanks for listening. How do you deal with this?
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I'll be 40 in 2 months ...
35 & Over Community / by neveleneves
Last post
 April 20th
...See more Honestly, not too long ago, I was a mess. Not about aging, but I was dealing with the loss of someone and it was the worst I've ever felt. Arguing constantly with my partner. Drinking a lot more than I should. Missing work because I was too distraught to come in, thinking about the one who died. Just couldn't get out of bed. We had our first couples therapy session yesterday (his idea). I feel better. I sometimes wonder if I'm in the right relationship, still. I have been worried that my partner has anger problems, but I'm still sometimes not sure if it's just oversensitivity on my part. Therapy helped sort some of it out. Yes: he needs to work on not raising his voice at me. Yes: I need to work on letting him know when I have a problem instead of sitting around talking myself out of speaking up. Honestly, I can't wait to get older. The women I know who are older, especially over 50, seem to have so much less drama, and can stand up for themselves gloriously. I want to be like this. I also want to develop my piano skills and have a goal: by my 50th birthday, I want to be able to SHRED. I like my job, and love my friends. It doesn't matter what I look like at 40, or 50, as long as I can feel a strong sense of inner peace and play music well. That's it for me, right now. I'm just posting because compared to last month, I'm feeling stronger and overall happier. Still grieving, but in a slightly different way. And it's not linear, the healing process. Thanks for being here, everyone!
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Lost someone due to suicide, feels like life is falling apart
Grief & Loss / by neveleneves
Last post
 April 9th
...See more My ex boyfriend (C) killed himself about a month ago. I loved him so much but had to end the relationship due to his alcohol use. We remained friends but he was so unhappy and was always trying to message me to talk about getting back together. We had a conversation where we both agreed that temporarily blocking him would be a good idea. So he could heal, pretty much. He still sent me messages every holiday, my birthday, and random times to just check in on me. I only discovered these messages when I unblocked after his death. He left me presents all around town at my favorite places. I was not into the idea of getting back together. Now he's gone. To say I feel terrible is an understatement. I feel like everything just stopped. I feel like every day I can't even function. Been missing tons of work, drinking more often. Can hardly wake up or go to sleep without crying. Cant eat, I look and feel unhealthy. It's been hard on my current relationship, I feel so much anxiety. My partner has signed us up for couples counseling, which began this week. I want to feel better. My partner sees that we need help. I also think that if I would have thought to go to counseling with C, he would still be alive. So I feel terrible about even going to counseling with my current partner. I have many friends and loving family members. But I feel so alone in this particular thing. It's hard to even focus at work. All I do is cry. I've never been this person before, and I don't know how to stop being this way. He was so sweet and gentle, loving and helpful to everyone. I left him because of his alcohol problem. He was really depressed and drank more than anyone I knew to deal with. It wasn't anything to do with his character. He was the kindest man. I feel so awful, and like this was my fault for not trying hard enough to save our relationship, just walking away. I miss him so much. Sorry this is long. Thank you for having this space.
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