Lost someone due to suicide, feels like life is falling apart

My ex boyfriend (C) killed himself about a month ago. I loved him so much but had to end the relationship due to his alcohol use. We remained friends but he was so unhappy and was always trying to message me to talk about getting back together. We had a conversation where we both agreed that temporarily blocking him would be a good idea. So he could heal, pretty much.

He still sent me messages every holiday, my birthday, and random times to just check in on me. I only discovered these messages when I unblocked after his death. He left me presents all around town at my favorite places. I was not into the idea of getting back together. Now he's gone. To say I feel terrible is an understatement. I feel like everything just stopped.

I feel like every day I can't even function. Been missing tons of work, drinking more often. Can hardly wake up or go to sleep without crying. Cant eat, I look and feel unhealthy. It's been hard on my current relationship, I feel so much anxiety. My partner has signed us up for couples counseling, which began this week. I want to feel better. My partner sees that we need help.

I also think that if I would have thought to go to counseling with C, he would still be alive. So I feel terrible about even going to counseling with my current partner. I have many friends and loving family members. But I feel so alone in this particular thing. It's hard to even focus at work. All I do is cry.

I've never been this person before, and I don't know how to stop being this way.

He was so sweet and gentle, loving and helpful to everyone. I left him because of his alcohol problem. He was really depressed and drank more than anyone I knew to deal with. It wasn't anything to do with his character. He was the kindest man. I feel so awful, and like this was my fault for not trying hard enough to save our relationship, just walking away. I miss him so much.

Sorry this is long. Thank you for having this space.