I don't usually feel alone
I have loving friends and am a friendly person. Some of my friendships are over 20 years running. I also have a strong lovely relationship with my mom and sister. They're my best friends.
My recent loss, due to a suicide, it's ripping me up. I don't feel like they understand. And I don't want them to understand. I wouldn't wish them to glimpse this feeling even for one second. I've tried talking to them but it doesn't feel like they connect. I've never felt this alone in anything before.
I don't want to hear the usual stuff. I don't want anyone to live through this with me, or make anyone re live their own experience. But it would help to know others have felt this.
I cry daily. It's been a month and a half. I feel guilt, anger, all that stuff. Unable to go to work some days. I miss him so much. I have texted him knowing he's gone. I keep thinking I'll see him again.
His pain was something I can't even imagine. At random times I'm suddenly thinking how he must have felt. I would do anything and I mean absolutely anything to go back in time and tell him he's a good person who is loved. He was so kind, and felt so unloved. The world is so *** now that he's gone. Nothing seems the same, or even real.
Thanks for listening. How do you deal with this?
@neveleneves
I'm so sorry for your loss 🩷
The hardest thing for me was the what ifs.
They haunted me.
What could I have said or done?
The unanswered questions.
They are so hard.
But the reality is, he was in such a bad place, no one could reach him.
The pain lingers, and it's always there, but with time it dulls, and becomes less intense and you live around it.
There's no right or wrong way to grieve 🩷
I still feel like I could have reached him. The thought of us getting back together was one of the things keeping him going, and trying. He told me this. Then he realized we were never getting back together. The day he realized that, he gave up. I NEED to rewind time. I need to tell him that I care. Thank you for listening. And if you have gone through something like this, I see you, and I want you to know I get it. ❤️
Idk what to say actually we both have similar kind of insidence in our life
It sucks. That's the best way i can describe this. Thank you for reading, friend
I'm sorry to hear about your loss, dear. It sounds like you were really close to this person, and I imagine losing them has been devastating...we're always here if you need us ❤️
I think grieving someone who's given up is tough. I don't know what they were going through, not really. So I end up trying to analyze little interactions or ruminating over what could've made them decide what they did. I think, for me, feeling the emotions is the important part, but trying not to dwell on anything to much.
Suicide can be so messy for survivors, but I think the important bit is to feel what you're feeling then let it go. It's okay to do things to take your mind off the pain, or to put it off until later (if necessary). But the thing with feelings is that they have to be felt, and it tends to be better to just let them come, and then let them go when you're done with them.
Hope this helps 🫂
