Losing the Joy in Writing/Art While Hidind from Everything in my bed, etc etc...
Hi, i feel really silly for posting, so if you're skimming for more serious stuff, you should glance over this.
Well, for the past.. i don't know, month or two I've been thinking pretty heavily about suicide, conjuring up plans--which i'm sure everyone does. I'm spending more and more time in bed, crying to songs by people i admire, pitying myself, hating myself. I was assigned a heavy but pretty simple art project this summer and every time i look at it i want to vomit. That's when i crawl into bed. (I love Kimya Dawson, if there are any fans reading).
Since i can hardly handle this summer crap, i'mterrified of my sophomore year, which is loaded with honors courses. If i can't handle the stuff i have now, how can i manage to survive all of that? I'm always worried,and i'm pretty sure i'm going to play out 'It's Kind ofa FunnyStory' when i fuck everything up. (If you haven't seen the movie or read the book, this boy basically whacks out from the pressure of school and landshimself inthe mentalhospital after calling the suicide hotline).
Iused to be a writer.I used to like writing little stories.All my life,i was sure that by sixteen (my sixteenth birthday waslast week, and i pissed my family off by spending most of it in bed, not letting them see me cry, all because i really hate the person i've become) that i would have accomplished somethingby writing. But months ago i just stopped. Everything was bearing down on me, school, lonliness from being too afraid to talk to people (I'm sorry, just another item on my grocery list of issues). And every sentence i wrote was shit and the drill sergeant in my head would yell that to me over and over again. It wasn't art anymore, it didn't make me happy anymore, and now i can't find it. I'm sounding melodramatic when i say that it feels like i've lost something, but when you devote your entire childhood dreams to a thing, it isn't nice when it's over. I feel like i've lost an arm, or part of my face.
So, yeah, i just really feel incomplete, and i'm always overwhelmed, thinking about the usual suicide, daily, while unable to do what i need to. I thought this site might help some. Thanks a bunch, if you want to respond.
Hi there @noahnoahs ! Please know there?s nothing silly about your post, I can truly see you are having a hard time right now and that you are struggling. Just because people have a different kind of pain or perhaps are going through situations that would be considered really bad, that in no way diminishes how real and valid your suffering is, alright? You have every right to post and get support, don?t ever feel as if your problems are not as important as the rest. Your struggles are as real and deserve as much support and attention as anyone that reaches out to us.
That said, suicide and suicidal thoughts are extremely tough especially when you feel there?s no one to talk to about them. Don?t ever doubt reaching out for support to a hotline (you can find some here) or to a chatline...or just reading some articles on how to cope like this one or this one.
I know what it?s like to feel like you are in a deep dark hole where you want to be alone with your misery. I understand the inhumanly big pressure it is to have a project and just can?t bring yourself to look at it?to not be able to put any kind of motivation to do it, no matter how simple it sounds. It just seems impossible at that point. It?s okay to feel scared, it?s okay to not know what to do, it?s okay to not know what is going to happen, and it?s completely natural to be worried. You don?t have to go through this alone, we are here for you. You can reach out for help from us anytime and when you are ready you can reach out to professional help too! And if you feel comfortable you can reach out to you family for support too. You don?t have to go through all this pain alone, alright?
Oddly enough, I am a writer myself?I have no published worked and I quite frankly nothing is like I?d imagined it would be when I was younger. For some time I too felt too horrible to write, even if at some point it brought me joy, I just couldn?t bring myself to do it. It got better for me, I can?t promise you that will happen for you but what I?m saying there?s a possibility that it gets better. I might not be able to give you back what you feel you are missing, nor perhaps cure the sadness you are experiencing?but I can listen to you and perhaps keep you company in a chat where you have no pressure to act or say anything else than what you want or feel.
Also, Happy (late) 16 Birthday! I hope good things go your way and please know you are more than welcome to reach out to me or any other of the amazing teen listeners in this community.
I don't see anything silly in the way depression steals the joy and fulfilment away from activities that you see as central to your identity.
Chances are, one day the depression will ebb and your joy will return.
Hey Noah,
This isn't silly, it is serious. Don't dismiss your feelings, they're apart of you. <3
I'm an artist by trade. I'm nearly done with my degree but some days it's really tough to even think of doing art. Since we're both creators, it's worsens my feelings when I can't create. Some days I have to throw myself out of bed so I avoid staying in it all day; even if you just move to the couch, you still managed to get out of your room, which is a huge step!
I say start off small, write a paragraph or so a day, then start making it bigger and bigger. Work up yourself to tackle bigger things, like short stories. You can do it and remember you're stronger than your depression. You're talented, important and wonderful.
