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pa123
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PathStep 5 Compassion hearts14 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 30, 2018
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Spiraling and I can't stop? Any advice needed
Anxiety Support / by pa123
Last post
 December 1st, 2022
...See more I have tests but it seems like I've completely broken, I can't even push myself to look at the review sheet. I've heard that some people are motivated by fear to study, and that was me, but lately it seems like I've broken. Most times when studying I'm like a clenched fist, my mind constantly repeating "I'm doing this so I don't fail the class and have to take it again and be humiliated and have my parents scrutinize my value and ability based on this grade" Doing something I don't care for based solely on shame. All the rude things people would say about my progress and ability would permeate and I'd only take breaks just to cry when I was focusing more on the taunting than the task at hand. For some while it worked, because I had one positive thing I was interested in related to some of my studies and wanted to study harder so I connect the two for a hands on experience, but lately it feels like I'm pushing a boulder uphill when It's been nearly two years now and I'm still none the wiser. I still have school, but now I've lost faith in what made it bearable in the first place, believing that everyone was right and I really can't achieve my goal. At that point, I'm just left with the fear, and I just can't function with it alone. I can't even put a pencil to the page if I'm convinced I'm going to fail and be humiliated anyway, and that failure has too much pressure onto it. My parents don't have money to spare for summer school, each year I'm even further from my goals, Another year of people viewing me as comical and worthless, "the person you look at and feel better about yourself when you see".. Once I get stuck on a problem it's like an atomic bomb of scenarios go off in my head and I have to sit back for hours to get myself calm again. I want to get back up, but knowing how many times I've done that and fell right back down doesn't motivate me at all. It doesn't help when I've actually heard someone besides my mind tell me it's hopeless, and I'm just innately bad, I tried to maintain a growth mindset but when people say those things to me it feels like I'm stuck in a steel chamber, suffocating as my goals struggle to push past the barriers. I try to avoid comparing myself to others, but I hate having people use me to boost their egos, I wish at the very least if I'm as useless as everyone says I could be truly ignored. It feels embarrassing. I'm tired of working hard when people consider my efforts trivial and I'm not even feeling personally accomplished when I'm so far from where I want to be, now I'm just doing it so people don't have more to call me a failure for. I think the external discouragement was the first thing that led me into this rabbit hole, so any advice on managing that would be helpful as well. I wish I could just say "Never give up!" And get the pep back, but I feel like I've failed too much to say that anymore when even other people are mocking me and my progress is just so much smaller than I could've imagined when I first began. How do I truly maintain this belief that there's always another chance, through thick and thin?
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How to kill my ego?
Depression Support / by pa123
Last post
 February 17th, 2020
...See more I'm tired of the burden of emotions, I don't want to be ashamed and humiliated anymore, I just wish I could manage to desensitize myself to everything. I'm a failure, and no one respects me. At both school and home, I'm constantly reminded of this. "Idiot, dimwit, stupid, r*t*rd," cruel words constantly flung at me. I'm so inedequate, it's as if I'm a caricature. My parents have had no trouble telling me I'm talentless, "but that's not an excuse to go and die, you have responsibilities." Even my teachers have secretly mocked me, remembering a time where my teacher reassured another student simply by telling them the question I had asked, that "At least you're not that stupid." It's tiring. It's not even the matter that anyone would miss me if I died, I truly am just a walking joke. I work hard only motivated by fear, because if I don't work hard, I'm officially worthless. My standing at this point is to study vigorously to get any decent paying job to take care of my parents, and that's all I'm needed for. But lately I've been cracking, its been so hard to manage this hollow work motivated by nothing but fear. Everytime I try to pursue my passions, I'm knocked down. "It doesn't make money," "you suck at it," "You have to be talented or at least the bit bright to make a living doing this." Nobody acknowledges my work, even trying to do the thing I love I can't get it right. I'm too much of a coward to die, but I can't live like this and still feel
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How to minimize dread while studying/ staying on tasks after breaks?
Anxiety Support / by pa123
Last post
 June 23rd, 2018
...See more All it takes is a 5 minute break before I don't do anything for the whole day. I'm not good at studying for lengthy periods of time, but whenever I take a break it's very difficult to go back to studying. Often this surfaces when I took a break from a problem/subject I didn't understand, this feeling like i'm being suffocated or my throat is burning; because i'm not good at phrasing my problems with a question/topic, and problem solving; the fact that I don't understand what I don't understand often feels like a bubbling undefined anxiety, like a lump in my throat. I also think about how much i've procrastinated and how much I need to catch up on, and the bullying that I got for being """stupid and weird""" and not being able to catch up with the teacher and failing tests, and i'll feel like they were right. There are other reasons that I get this feeling when studying including bullying, but I wouldn't want to talk about all of them. It makes me shut down and not be able to do anything for the day except sit down feeling exasperated with all the thoughts in my head. I really need to catch up this summer for the next semester, but i'm not sure how i'm going to jump this hurdle. Can anyone help?
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