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pinkDrum9405
1 362 M Embraced 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2017 Member sinceMarch 20, 2017
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always scared
Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by pinkDrum9405
Last post
 April 27th, 2017
...See more im so sick of everything im so sick of being scared i hate being scared and thats all i am im always scared im so worried ill get kicked out i ccant get kicked out this is all i have if i ever make one small mistake im out im gone im disowned i cant become homeless theres nowhere for me to go im so dependent on others i cant live by my self id rather kms this is the only place i have to live im so scared to lose it ive done nothing wrong in my entire life i dont deserve this i have nowhere else to go nobody wants or cares about me im so worried ill make a mistake im scared they're waiting for the perfect opportunity to kick me out and get rid of me this is all i have if i get kicked out ill have no family and no friends and no place to live i want to die i want to die i wish i had the energy to kill myself i really really really do i want to slice my neck open if im dead they cant kick me out.......
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cant do what i love
Hobby Zone / by pinkDrum9405
Last post
 April 3rd, 2017
...See more theres nothing to do and the only thing that makes me feel anything im not allowed to do. im not allowed near my computer. all i want to do is draw and make music but im not allowed. i need a distraction and i miss my computer so much but if i go anywhere near it i'll get kicked out. i miss having a single shallow reason to live
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Motivation with Severe Inferiority Complex?
General Support / by pinkDrum9405
Last post
 March 30th, 2017
...See more I never try anything or do anything because I think I'm not good enough, or really, I've been convinced that it's a fact I'm not good enough. Whenever I do something I'm never given any constructive criticism. I'm just told I'm useless worthless, and wrong. I'm really insecure about everything I do. I don't bother trying because I'm not any good. I'm even discouraged at art- which is the only thing I'm good at- because I don't think I'm that good. I hate art in general because there's always somebody better than me, or more popular. With my way of thinking, I shut myself out from doing anything or enjoying myself because I expect myself to be the very best and I WANT to be the very best, but I just can't. And it makes me feel so worthless. If there's somebody better than me, what's the point of existing? I've never had a job and I'm not in college. I'm wasting my life away and I'm going on 21. Everyone else my age has an apartment and a job and is graduating but I've done absolutely nothing because I'm too scared. I'm always reminded by this and I live with someone younger, who's MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME (they've lived a better, more supporting life mind you) and I feel like everyone's rubbing it in my face. With all this in mind... why should I move on? HOW could I move on? I get so self-conscious and at worst suicidal when someone criticises me because that's all I ever get. I never get any positive feedback. How do you keep going when everyone wants to trip you? I have a lot of problems but this I think is what's holding me back from EVER being happy or successful.
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Is this OCD?
OCD & Related Behaviors / by pinkDrum9405
Last post
 April 11th, 2017
...See more I've been researching OCD and it seems really.... relatable. Under a LOT of circumstances (money, time, no doctors in the area...) I don't know if I will ever get an official diagnosis so... if this sounds like OCD let me know? If it sounds really severe, or if I should get help, I'll try to bring it up the next time I go (which is never). Likewise if it isn't OCD, let me know what else this could be? I've been describing myself as a germaphobe for years but I think it's OCD. I don't like touching anything and I Germ-X immediately afterwards if I do. Sometimes twice. If i don't I stress out. I prefer Germ-X over handwashing since using sinks is unreliable imo (especially public sinks). Germ-X is problematic however... I use it so much my hands start to hurt. :/ I hate being NEAR anything dirty too. Like a dirty table at a restaurant or a spill. In middle school I always had to sit at messy tables and it would stress me out until I cried (this was ~8 years ago maybe?). I'm deathly afraid of getting sick too. Whenever something goes around, I sanitize my hands even more than usual and hate doing anything. I get real panicky when something big goes around (ebola, swine flu). I've seen other things that say people with OCD try to like... regulate autonomous functions by themselves..? I don't know if I explained that right but for example: Sometimes I feel like I don't breathe enough, or that my heart is moving too fast or too slow, so I try to pace myself even though it's unnecessary. Another example is sometimes I think I forget to blink, so I pour all my attention to making sure I blink. It's really distracting and I can spend over an hour making sure I'm breathing and blinking up to my expectations. I have a lot of other things I do but I don't remember all of them. I'm really paranoid about a lot of delusions that would be considered "obsessions" (people potentially kidnapping or poisoning me) but I don't act or do anything about them Onto the questions: But such a common thing (even stereotype, really) about people with OCD is that they're neat freaks. Is that ALWAYS true? Am I disqualified if I'm not? Like I said, being near anything stresses me out and I break down whenever I clean anything. I'd rather burn everything than sweep up crumbs, honest. I don't care about my surroundings, but rather safety of myself. With that in mind, what's working with such an intense fear like? (I haven't had a job before...) The only work out here is fast food. They probably want me to clean bathrooms. I can't do that! I'm probably never gonna find a job that wants me, right?
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