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pioneeringLand8961
1,190 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 22 Compassion hearts40 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceFebruary 22, 2021
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Scared I ruined something good
Relationship Stress / by pioneeringLand8961
Last post
 April 1st, 2022
...See more Hello everyone, Im going to start by saying I am well aware that I’m too hard on myself and I’m trying to find the right balance of taking blame. My partner have been together for nearly a year, during this time we have both suffered from mental health issues.. on top of that the pandemic has added increased stress. We don’t always see eye to eye but we are good together. Lately we’ve been arguing about stupid petty stuff and every argument leaves me scared. He then accuses me of being negative because I worry he will leave. He’s not wrong but when he gets upset at my emotions or concerns it makes me worry that much more. He’s never been a great communicator but he’s been trying. He suffers from seasonal depression and hasn’t been happy. Sometimes I take that on and blame myself, but then that causes him to feel guilty. Recently I went off my meds without the help from a doctor (didn’t tell anyone) and now I realize I haven’t been handling anything well. The arguments always start when I am trying to innocently talk about something or talk at all. But then I push, I have trouble giving him time to process which he has told me in the past is an issue. On top of all that and my fears is being alone I had covid this week and had to isolate alone. The other night he came over, I felt frustrated about the fact that he said he would FaceTime every night so I wouldn’t be so alone. I tried to bring it up and he shut down on me. I tried talking about it and I got worked up because he wouldn’t talk or even look at me. This week was so hard and I wasn’t coping well. He got fed up and tried to leave, I got in his way, he left I ran out to car. Super dramatic and Im embarrassed to say the least. He came back in and ordered dinner but seemed pissed off so I asked are you upset with me. He snapped back no. That is where I struggle to believe because body language and tone say otherwise. He tried to go to bed without speaking to me and I was getting ready for bed but trying to talk to him. He begged me not to talk anymore and said I wasn’t keeping my promise to give him space when he says he can’t. I couldn’t see clearly because I had just spent all week alone and I just wanted a connection. He got upset again and tried to leave I begged him not to, I thought he had I cried and thought fuck I really messed up this time all because I just wanted either an apology or even a “you’re right I said that and I didn’t do it” it got so bad that in anger when I said “Do you love me?” He said “not right now” but he said not to worry to just leave him alone and he would love me the next day. Anyway he shocked me by coming back in, and going to sleep. He told me to go to sleep, so I did. The next morning he rushed out to work, didn’t really make eye contact and said see you later. I didn’t hear from him all day, until he said “home” in the evening. That shows me he knows I probably would’ve worried and he cares. Later on I messaged “Im trying to give you your space but I think we should talk.” He replied “im taking a me night” This is where I should’ve believed in our relationship and just said okay. But fear response “can I just have 10 minutes?” He said not right now. So I’m just scared he’s done. I know we are good together in so many ways but I’ve been a anxious wreck and he’s been upset about lack of work and the seasonal depression. In the meantime I booked a counselling appt, and spoke with a doctor about getting back on medication for my anxiety. I know either way the only thing I can do is work on me. But I’m scared. Scared he won’t want to keep trying or it’ll just sound like excuses if I tell him what I’m trying. I don’t need a perfect guy or for him to change everything about himself. I just need follow through, because it hurts me to be disappointed and it hurts our relationship when I bring things up over and over. Any advice on how to keep my mind positive, or how to fix this? I love this man and know he loves me too. Recently I said why me? “You just feel right”
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How do you know the difference between no contact period and they just don’t care?
Relationship Stress / by pioneeringLand8961
Last post
 March 4th, 2021
...See more The breakup is fresh, less than a week. He broke up with me and even though he loves me I believe he scared himself by talking about our future so much. He would initiate talks about kids, marriage, and living together. Now he’s taking time to work on himself because he doesn’t think he can do so while being distracted. But how do I know if he ever loved me/still does and this is the truth? I know most relationships go through a no contact period at the beginning of a break up but I feel abandoned and like it must’ve all been a lie. If he were to reach out again how will I know it’s for the right reasons? But also what if he never does? I’m going to keep trying to pick myself up and work on myself. But I can’t lie and say I don’t hope he realizes how good we were despite the issues.
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It was short but it was real
Relationship Stress / by pioneeringLand8961
Last post
 March 4th, 2021
...See more My boyfriend (28) of 6 months broke things off with me the other night. I (31) am both numb and completely broken. He stated that he needed to do this because he’s finally going to go to counselling and tackle his demons. I knew after his first session last Tuesday that this is where we were headed. He asked for space to unpack things and said he COULD NOT have any distractions. While I’m usually one to seek out closeness when someone asks for distance I knew that this was important and didn’t talk to him for days. Fast forward to Thursday evening he called me while driving and attempted the break up over the phone. I was calm and collected listened for a while and then asked for us to have this serious talk face to face. He agreed but said “it will have to be tomorrow I’m heading to have drinks with a classmate.” Insert first insecurity here because he would never have been so vague with me normally. Before I continue here’s some back story: We talked about moving in together, marriage, kids ... and about having that all together. We got together quickly and soon after he had an intense breakup so I know things moved a little quickly. I know that to some degree I may have been a comfort rather than an active choice. But he asked ME to be his girlfriend, he initiated those big talks. In January we had a fight, he had asked for space and hung up on me and I showed up just to tell him that’s not okay and I just wanted a hug. He broke up with me out of anger and then changed his mind after we talked 24 hours later. He then went on to apologize profusely and thank me for always believing in us even when he hadn’t. He told me he was in it for the long haul and when I became insecure or worried he would remind me I didn’t have to because he would always be with me. Mid-February I was feeling very emotional as it was my birthday and I said “reflecting on how different my life is from last year I’m so happy we met! None of the people who I celebrated with last year are even really my friends, anyone I was interested in romantically and I don’t even speak.” This is where I should’ve stopped.... but I added “it also kind of scares me that I might be alone next year though.” This changed the tone of our entire weekend, at first he was offended, I tried to explain it’s because he’s so special to me and I feel so lucky we found each other. He told me “you’re stupid to be worried because next year you’ll even be having my babies. You don’t have to worry about being alone!” Fast forward to now, he left me because he is so broken and feels he is leading me on. That he doesn’t want me to have to go through how mean he is going to get when he works on himself, and that the chances of him hurting me by cheating etc are extremely high. I can appreciate that he needs the space and time to work on himself, but the rest feels like pushing me away tactics. At the same time as he is telling me he isn’t leaving me for anyone, when I was waiting to hear from him about having our face to face talk he called me. I said “Hey” and he quickly said “hey, I forgot my phone charger and coffee in your bedroom” I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in almost a week at this point so I knew he had the wrong number and my heart sank. I asked if he had the wrong number and he said “oh yeah crap I meant to call my buddy Dawson” ... now I’ve never met Dawson but I feel like our voices would not be similar in the slightest. I found a number my Bf had been texting and called and a girl picked up, in the same town he had called me from. A classmate. When he finally did come and talk to me I listened, I waited for him to tell me and he didn’t. He focused on his mental health reasons for the breakup at first. I tried to reason that while I understand I can also offer up space and time while giving support so he didn’t have to end our relationship to do it. Especially since he had called me his true love and thanked me for being in his life 2 days before. He stated his emotional credit card is full and that he can’t focus on another person and himself right now. I asked about the girl, he said nothing happened but he has thought about it. He said if we continued to try he knows he would implode things and hurt me as he had done to people in the past. So I’m sitting here missing my best friend and feeling like I don’t know if I can ever trust someone again (Last week he said “I know we have a future together I just need you to trust that”... and I did... and now look). I’m hopeful he will work on himself and realize that he is worthy of me and the future we had started building together. That all the things he talked about were true to him and it’s his depression that makes that hard to see. But I also am sitting here hurt and mad, and doubting if he told me the truth. He’s going to end up with this girl, at least physically as a bandaid. And it kills me because he told me in October she was not someone I should ever worry about. That she was a child (20) and he was ready to date women. I feel old and boring and replaced. I feel so lonely as he unfortunately was my everything. I’ve never trusted someone or been so secure with someon in my life, I definitely had plenty of anxiety and insecurity along the way but I was seeking help for that and coming out on top. How do I move on from this? Every time I close my eyes I wonder what they’re doing together. Even if he comes back (which I think is likely) will I ever be able to trust?
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