Scared I ruined something good

Hello everyone,

Im going to start by saying I am well aware that I’m too hard on myself and I’m trying to find the right balance of taking blame.

My partner have been together for nearly a year, during this time we have both suffered from mental health issues.. on top of that the pandemic has added increased stress. We don’t always see eye to eye but we are good together.

Lately we’ve been arguing about stupid petty stuff and every argument leaves me scared. He then accuses me of being negative because I worry he will leave. He’s not wrong but when he gets upset at my emotions or concerns it makes me worry that much more.

He’s never been a great communicator but he’s been trying. He suffers from seasonal depression and hasn’t been happy. Sometimes I take that on and blame myself, but then that causes him to feel guilty.

Recently I went off my meds without the help from a doctor (didn’t tell anyone) and now I realize I haven’t been handling anything well. The arguments always start when I am trying to innocently talk about something or talk at all. But then I push, I have trouble giving him time to process which he has told me in the past is an issue.

On top of all that and my fears is being alone I had covid this week and had to isolate alone.

The other night he came over, I felt frustrated about the fact that he said he would FaceTime every night so I wouldn’t be so alone. I tried to bring it up and he shut down on me. I tried talking about it and I got worked up because he wouldn’t talk or even look at me. This week was so hard and I wasn’t coping well. He got fed up and tried to leave, I got in his way, he left I ran out to car. Super dramatic and Im embarrassed to say the least.

He came back in and ordered dinner but seemed pissed off so I asked are you upset with me. He snapped back no. That is where I struggle to believe because body language and tone say otherwise.

He tried to go to bed without speaking to me and I was getting ready for bed but trying to talk to him. He begged me not to talk anymore and said I wasn’t keeping my promise to give him space when he says he can’t. I couldn’t see clearly because I had just spent all week alone and I just wanted a connection.

He got upset again and tried to leave I begged him not to, I thought he had I cried and thought fuck I really messed up this time all because I just wanted either an apology or even a “you’re right I said that and I didn’t do it” it got so bad that in anger when I said “Do you love me?” He said “not right now” but he said not to worry to just leave him alone and he would love me the next day.

Anyway he shocked me by coming back in, and going to sleep. He told me to go to sleep, so I did. The next morning he rushed out to work, didn’t really make eye contact and said see you later. I didn’t hear from him all day, until he said “home” in the evening. That shows me he knows I probably would’ve worried and he cares.

Later on I messaged “Im trying to give you your space but I think we should talk.” He replied “im taking a me night”

This is where I should’ve believed in our relationship and just said okay. But fear response “can I just have 10 minutes?” He said not right now.

So I’m just scared he’s done. I know we are good together in so many ways but I’ve been a anxious wreck and he’s been upset about lack of work and the seasonal depression.

In the meantime I booked a counselling appt, and spoke with a doctor about getting back on medication for my anxiety. I know either way the only thing I can do is work on me. But I’m scared. Scared he won’t want to keep trying or it’ll just sound like excuses if I tell him what I’m trying. I don’t need a perfect guy or for him to change everything about himself.

I just need follow through, because it hurts me to be disappointed and it hurts our relationship when I bring things up over and over.

Any advice on how to keep my mind positive, or how to fix this? I love this man and know he loves me too. Recently I said why me? “You just feel right”