Shameful Fetish and Toxic Shame
This is something I dont talk to anyone about because I am deeply embarassed by it. I am a 20 year old male college student and I am bisexual and have a girlfriend. But deep down to my core I am ashamed of who I am sexually. I have a gay fart fetish. I have never said this outloud, but since puberty, I have always been aroused by the sound of a good looking dude ripping a nice loud long fart, proudly. It showed a sense of confidence I never felt like I had. To this day, this explains why I can talk to girls so much better than guys. I know guys will talk about sex with me and I my shame is too much to bear. I fear other boys my age. The shame I felt for this since age 13 has turned into a deep rooted hate for myself at age 20. 7 years of feeling inhuman, like I was cursed with this weird desire to experience male farts. I am not proud of it at all and I honestly wish I could rid myself of it. But after a day of social isolation and feeling like noone likes me, shamefully masturbating to a video online of a guy farting makes me feel, something. Anything. I masturbate everyday to guys farts. And this whole sense of toxic shame and feeling the need and desire to isolate myself has caused extreme levels of depression. I dont want to talk to people, do anything, I cant focus on school work, I have no interest in anything or anyone, and I know to others I come off as very closed off. But I just cant bring myself to sit with myself and say I like the person I am. I love my girlfriend but this shame for who I am in general has negatively effected my relationship. I am looking to connect with anyone that has a fart fetish. I am tired of constantly driving myself to social isolation and wasting my college years cooped up alone with my self hate. I am desperate for help. Things are getting really bad really fast. I need a friend who gets it.
Hey @reliableMango5870 - thanks so much for reaching out here, I know it's not easy putting these things into words and finding the strength to start confronting yourself with a difficult situation.
One thing about sexual arousal is that we have very little choice in what turns us on - it's pretty much completely beyond our control. And so we can easily end up in the type of situation you describe where we're not comfortable with something that we find arousing. And that's not your fault at all and I feel very strongly that you're not in the wrong for finding yourself in that situation.
On the contrary, it's clear you have really been struggling a lot with this. It sounds incredibly tough for you, dealing with these terrible feelings of shame, self-hatred and wanting to cut yourself off from the people around you.
You mention negative effects on your relationship with your girlfriend - can I ask what kind of effects you've noticed on the situation between the two of you?
@Willam Masturbating for the last 7 years makes me anxious about having actual sex. The shame has decreased by confidence and now I just feel like I am not good enough for her or life at all.
Proud of you! Have you looked to find other people that share your fetish? That's what I did when I was feeling very alone and ashamed; it really helped to talk to people that understood how I felt, it helped me feel more normal and I became much more accepting of myself.
@littleBeary Thats why I made this post! I would like to find people like me but I have yet to at this point.