rosesarered19 Member Profile

Growing up is hard to do

Journals & Diaries / by rosesarered19

July 14th, 2024

...See more I'm on the edge of an abyss not knowing what's below but knowing the earth behind me is eroding faster than my feet can take me away. I'm a exotic bird the last of her kind realizing too late she won't adapt in time to save herself. I'm a child who's not a child anymore because she's too late to being a child but who's not an adult because adults are the people the children she no longer qualifies for runs to for answers and she has none. I grew up too fast and not quickly enough and everyone is further along but I'm right on track and I'm all too late and everything came way too soon. I don't fit in my young adult life and I've outgrown my golden throne of childhood. I'm dramatic and theatric and think I'll rule the world tomorrow but tonight I'll cry and watch cartoons and scroll to see the lives of those more interesting than mine knowing they're just as much actors as I am. A century or two ago I'd have been slapped down with a hysteria diagnosis and sent along my way to start a family with a man twice my age who thinks my knowing how to read was ill-advised. Born less than two decades ago and I am a liberated woman paving her way in university, blessed with a financially strong family who can carry her on their shoulders til she carves her way into the world but this world is too far developed and too far gone and maybe my choices were those of convenience rather than passion but maybe I left my passion in the same chest as my dress-up clothes. I'm poetic and desperate and wish for relationships I'm probably not ready for yet and I hate all my happy friends and their happy dating lives while they probably look at me with admiration for my freedom. My reflection in the mirror demands for the swift return of my rational mind but she went to die in the same university library that stole my confidence when I opened my first midterm mark and learned the golden age of the high school As has set for good and maybe I wasn't as smart as I thought I was and maybe my being in this school was a mistake and maybe the thousands of dollars my parents poured into my predestined future was all an error and maybe the greatness my teachers saw will fade til I leap into the sea of grey workers rife with uniformity. In the city I moved to alone, the twinkling apartment lights looking like monsters's eyes when the sun sets and I go back to the dorm I fantasized for alone. I miss home but home suffocates me as it denies the independence my adulthood earned and when I'm home I want to go back and when I'm back I want to crawl into my mother's arms and see if they can cure my woes like they did when I was six and lost my favourite Barbie. I grew up so fast and I'm beautiful but I hate my face and my gangly limbs and I'm still a child except for by law and lack of space in my mother's lap. I want to be held and read to and cared for and be small but I want to make out and be made out with and party and go clubbing and nothing fits and I hate everything but I love too deeply and break ups are too harsh and maybe not all my friendships were as impenetrable as I once thought and maybe some relationships really were just for high school. I miss the sweet, claustrophic high school halls but need the cultured, distant university grounds. I want to live downtown but rent makes me cry and I want to be trusted to design my own life but I want someone to just tell me what to do. I'm a technical adult but I don't know how to be. I've outgrown my childhood but adulthood doesn't fit right. I'm liberated and lost. Friends I thought were forever moved on faster than I did and I'm alone but I'm not. I'm a contradiction. I'm an adult.

Lola

Journals & Diaries / by rosesarered19

January 12th, 2024

...See more Yesterday my beautiful dog Lola returned back to heaven just as she deserved and my heart feels ripped open. At age 18 I am fortunate enough to say that she is the first thing in my life that I've ever truly mourned and I can finally somewhat conceptualize what it means to miss something in a way you know you'll never get to have again. I've been in a season lately where the universe seems to be intrinsically against me. A little under a month ago I went on my first date in literal years with a guy who seemed to be unfamiliar with the term no or what the implication was behind my directly trying to move his hands away from me. I've just finished my first semester of university and am in a new *** refreshing my email about twelve times a day making sure my dysfunctional brain hasn't thwarted me so much so that I will have failed a class and need to repeat it in the summer. A year ago I was a high nineties student in high school regularly hanging out with friends every day after school and coming back home to a sunny yellow dog and a comfortable home, and I know there are seasons to everything in life and what I feel now isn't what will always be felt, but sometimes it seems to easy to feel like I am a puppet the universe is just swinging around for its own amusement not caring how often I hit the ground. I know there will be people who think the extent to which I am letting myself come undone by a dog is borderline idiocy, and I don't want to get into a mess of claiming who's pain is greater. But I wish everyone can at some point in their life experience the unconditional love a dog provides. I wish everyone will look at a creature knowing they have never learned the concept of hatred. I wish you all will experience seeing someone running up to you the moment you get home looking like your being with them made their day. What makes this the hardest for me is I feel like I got no warning; it's true she wasn't a young dog but she stayed happy and energetic up til a few hours before she left us, when all of the sudden she couldn't walk and didn't want to get up to eat and could do little more than let me hold her head in my lap as I called her a good girl and weakly thump her tail. I'm happy she's not in pain anymore and I'm so thankful to her that she waited until I was home from university for the holidays so that I could say goodbye to her properly, and I know the nature of having pets is expecting that we will one day go on without them, but I look at her empty crate now and her empty food bowls and look at her yellow hair all over our black carpet and want to cry knowing the next time it's vacuumed it won't go in vain like it had all times before. I see my Dad watching TV after dinner and all I can think of is how every other day for years he would sit on the carpet so that she could crawl into his lap while he caught up on the news. I get home and expect to hear her claws clicking against the tile as she runs up to greet me with her tail displaying her happiness. She was always so happy. And she was so loved. And now she's at peace and I'm alone in my room crying because I miss her and then crying harder because I can't bury my face in her fur anymore while I hug her when I'm sad, because the vets couldn't detect anything wrong with her heart when we brought her in just a month ago and where two days ago I had a dog we now have a box of ashes. Life isn't designed with easiness in mind and to love someone is to acknowledge one day one of you will lose the other. I'm thankful I got to love something so much that her leaving me hurts this much and I'm thankful the rest of my family is healthy. This past month has probably been the worst of my life, but my birthdays in three days and I am all for telling myself it's a sign of starting new. Anyways, thanks to whoever read this. I hope you enjoyed learning a bit about my Lola. I have a friend with severe depression, and on one of her worst days I told her that with every terrible day we get closer to one not as *** day. If for not else than lack of options, I will stand by those words. Have as good a day as you can guys

loneliness

Journals & Diaries / by rosesarered19

October 1st, 2023

...See more My entire life I have been known to be amazingly terrible at being alone. I never learned to be at peace with my own company and if a year and a half lockdown via pandemic wasn't enough I think I have just cause to believe I am incapable of it. I started university early this month and this was the first time I have ever been 'alone'. I say alone very liberally, I chose a school only an hour away and visited home one weekend and my parents stopped by a few hours another. One of my closest friends from high school went to this university with me so I'm not wholly isolated either. For the most part, things are going as well as can be expected. I was accepted into a highly competitive program and the workload is hectic at best sometimes, but I haven't started drowning yet even though I have had to get a tutor in one. That in and of itself was a big hit to my ego, I never dropped from a high to mid nineties average all four years of high school and one month into university and I struggled so profusely in one class that I knew this was the right decision, even though that makes the acceptance no easier. I know I'm the same person I always was and the material got harder rather than myself getting dumber, but it was a harsh transition and an ugly truth regardless. I feel like I've been failing in the friend department. I've always been known to be highly extroverted and truly thought I would be able to find a good group of friends given enough time. I know I'm one month into a four year degree but when you're writing on a mental health forum on a Friday night rather than going to a party you originally intended to go to because your roommate felt too tired and you didn't feel comfortable or safe enough going alone it's easy to feel like you're missing out on so much. My friend that I came with met another girl who I knew years ago, incidentally enough while we were hanging out and I recognized her, I introduced them and now they're hanging out one-on-one. I know a good friend should be happy for her. I know it's important we have other friends and I know she asked me when they started hanging out together she asked if I was okay with it and I said yes and it's my own fault if I am silently upset with this other girl because of a falling out we had at the ripe old age of nine (I am well aware who either of us were at nine years old is hardly indicative of who we are now). It still hurts when I felt depressed and alone tonight and called her and they were together. It hurts knowing there's no one else I can call because everyone else was part of our friend group in high school and I don't trust that they won't report back to her. It's not either of their faults, it's not mine. But my feelings are my feelings and I can't shake them. I can't even have an evening chat with my parents because they're on a trip with a time difference. I've made friends with two of my roommates, but both of them have other friends and I can't help but feeling that I am a tertiary character. I keep on introducing myself to people, I've gone to parties, I've gone to school events, and feeling like we are breaking ground and in our next classes they sit somewhere else and I know it just needs time but I wish the universal laws would snap and skip to the part where if my friend or my two roommates aren't available to hang out I have a wide network of people, maybe even a partner, that I could chill with together. I arrogantly question what's so unattractive about me; I consider myself witty and smart and sociable and well spoken and even pretty. I feel like I keep looking for a flaw that makes me so meh. The people I chat with certainly don't seem to mind me, just don't care enough to come back either. By the grace of having roommates I just had to excuse myself into the bathroom to cry from overwhelming feelings of loneliness because a shared room no longer affords me the privacy I learned to value all too late. I miss the life I had in high school in my sleepy hometown where everything was so predictable in what seemed to be stuffy but had endearing qualities in retrospect. I know I'd have been sad if I stayed behind and heard all these stories of people living their lives in university. I know my visions of automatically growing a friend empire and going to parties and still being the top of my class was hysterical. I know how I feel now won't be how I feel tomorrow and I know that there will be so many more amazing times ahead. But tonight is apparently the night for a pity party and mourn times I can't go back to. I'm so sorry and thankful to any souls who read this entire depressed tale. I felt this misery boiling up inside of me and felt this was the best substitute I had to my friends who are living much more currently exciting nights than me (Again, I'm not upset with them for doing what I wish I could be doing. Just frustrated by a thousand imagined slights and how my fantasy was never meant to be realized, or at least quite at the speed I hoped it would be). Things will get better, I just wish they would be. me.

i don't know what i'm doing

Journals & Diaries / by rosesarered19

August 2nd, 2023

...See more I know it's normal to be going into university not knowing what you're doing with your life. I know it's normal to be a teen and not have a clear plan. but i truly don't know if i ever felt any sense of direction. everyone talks about what they wanted to do when they were a little kid or what field they want to go into or maybe just a really cool hobby they have that they want to incorporate into their lives. i never felt that. i never had a dream career, or a particularly favourite subject, or a true passion per say. i love hanging out with my friends and going for bike rides and listening to music, nothing that can actually be converted into a career. i spent my entire childhood listening to the adults in my life tell me that it was ok and i had time to figure that and myself out. in just over a month, I will be moving out for university, so i guess it's safe to say, my time has runneth out. in just over a month, i will be starting a university program that i started researching a week before university applications were due and that was easily the most expensive option out of all the programs i applied to, that wasn't even in the field i initially claimed i was interested in. a program i haven't stopped second guessing since i accepted. it was chosen because it was highly competitive and i wanted to say i got in, and because it was my parents top pick. i've always been a great student and was told by many teachers that i would do great things. ever since i graduated i feel like what was a massive part of my identity has been lost and that maybe i don't know what to do at all anymore. i feel like a frankensteined collection of other people's wants for me slowly conglomerating into one semi functional human being. i worry sometimes that none of my decisions are truly my own, that i listen to what other people tell me what to do and convince myself that it was what i always wanted anyways. i worry that i go along with what other people want because it's easier than acknowledging i don't have a singular clue who i am or what i want. i worry i'll become yet another student who had such great potential who burnt out before they even really got started. it's true that i don't know what i want. it's true that i have no plan for beyond university, that i don't even entirely know what my plan is once i actually get to campus. i have everything i should need for success. i have great grades, supportive parents who will be helping financially, and even a friend who will be studying at the same school as me who i can visit. why isn't it enough? why can't i be excited for this next chapter?

hi

General Support / by rosesarered19

July 17th, 2023

...See more Hey folks. I just needed a place to rant where I know no one and no one knows me. I'm just going through a phase lately and feel like I need to exorcise the negative thoughts out. I'll be starting university in September and have been feeling lately like every decision I make lately is the wrong one. I haven't stopped second guessing my university choice since I accepted two months ago, can't stop worrying about how much of my parent's money I may be wasting, feeling guilt at being the last kid and about to move out, not knowing whether or not I even feel ready to be living on my own. I feel insatiable, like how I was pining over this particular program and then when I got accepted I immediately started questioning whether or not it was the right move despite everyone important to me telling me it was the best option. I was worrying about being placed into residence, and then when I got accepted I just felt an odd mix of emptiness and anxiety as this thing I was waiting for for months was finally granted to me and I realized it still didn't make me happy. My friends are amazing and I'm sure that they would be willing to listen, but the vast majority struggle with their own mental health issues and I don't want to add more when I know this is probably crazily stressful for everyone. I love seeing my them during the days but then at night all I think about is how we are all about to go our separate ways in less than two months. I just feel like I'm in a never-ending spiral of getting what I thought I want and being disillusioned the moment I have it. Then again, maybe this is normal for a soon-to-be university freshman, I truly can't tell. Apologies for the ungodly length and the angsty rants of an overly anxious teen. I don't really anticipate the attention of internet strangers, I just needed to verbalize all the chaos in my head lately. me

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