Lola
Yesterday my beautiful dog Lola returned back to heaven just as she deserved and my heart feels ripped open. At age 18 I am fortunate enough to say that she is the first thing in my life that I've ever truly mourned and I can finally somewhat conceptualize what it means to miss something in a way you know you'll never get to have again. I've been in a season lately where the universe seems to be intrinsically against me. A little under a month ago I went on my first date in literal years with a guy who seemed to be unfamiliar with the term no or what the implication was behind my directly trying to move his hands away from me. I've just finished my first semester of university and am in a new *** refreshing my email about twelve times a day making sure my dysfunctional brain hasn't thwarted me so much so that I will have failed a class and need to repeat it in the summer. A year ago I was a high nineties student in high school regularly hanging out with friends every day after school and coming back home to a sunny yellow dog and a comfortable home, and I know there are seasons to everything in life and what I feel now isn't what will always be felt, but sometimes it seems to easy to feel like I am a puppet the universe is just swinging around for its own amusement not caring how often I hit the ground.
I know there will be people who think the extent to which I am letting myself come undone by a dog is borderline idiocy, and I don't want to get into a mess of claiming who's pain is greater. But I wish everyone can at some point in their life experience the unconditional love a dog provides. I wish everyone will look at a creature knowing they have never learned the concept of hatred. I wish you all will experience seeing someone running up to you the moment you get home looking like your being with them made their day.
What makes this the hardest for me is I feel like I got no warning; it's true she wasn't a young dog but she stayed happy and energetic up til a few hours before she left us, when all of the sudden she couldn't walk and didn't want to get up to eat and could do little more than let me hold her head in my lap as I called her a good girl and weakly thump her tail. I'm happy she's not in pain anymore and I'm so thankful to her that she waited until I was home from university for the holidays so that I could say goodbye to her properly, and I know the nature of having pets is expecting that we will one day go on without them, but I look at her empty crate now and her empty food bowls and look at her yellow hair all over our black carpet and want to cry knowing the next time it's vacuumed it won't go in vain like it had all times before. I see my Dad watching TV after dinner and all I can think of is how every other day for years he would sit on the carpet so that she could crawl into his lap while he caught up on the news. I get home and expect to hear her claws clicking against the tile as she runs up to greet me with her tail displaying her happiness. She was always so happy. And she was so loved. And now she's at peace and I'm alone in my room crying because I miss her and then crying harder because I can't bury my face in her fur anymore while I hug her when I'm sad, because the vets couldn't detect anything wrong with her heart when we brought her in just a month ago and where two days ago I had a dog we now have a box of ashes.
Life isn't designed with easiness in mind and to love someone is to acknowledge one day one of you will lose the other. I'm thankful I got to love something so much that her leaving me hurts this much and I'm thankful the rest of my family is healthy. This past month has probably been the worst of my life, but my birthdays in three days and I am all for telling myself it's a sign of starting new.
Anyways, thanks to whoever read this. I hope you enjoyed learning a bit about my Lola. I have a friend with severe depression, and on one of her worst days I told her that with every terrible day we get closer to one not as *** day. If for not else than lack of options, I will stand by those words. Have as good a day as you can guys
@rosesarered19
I'm truly sorry for the pain you're going through with the loss of Lola. Losing a pet, especially one that has been a source of unconditional love and joy for so many years, is incredibly challenging. It's completely normal to grieve deeply for a beloved companion. Your words beautifully capture the unique bond between humans and their dogs. Lola sounds like she brought immense happiness and comfort to your life, and the suddenness of her departure must be particularly difficult to process. It's clear that she was cherished and loved deeply by you and your family. Remember to give yourself the time and space to grieve, and it's okay to feel the sadness deeply. Your perspective on finding solace in the love you shared with Lola is a testament to the meaningful connection you had. I hope, in time, the pain will ease, and you'll be left with cherished memories of the joy Lola brought into your life. As you navigate through the challenges in your life, including the recent struggles at university and the difficult experiences, I encourage you to reach out to friends, family, or a counselor for support. Your upcoming birthday can indeed mark a new beginning, and I hope that the days ahead bring you healing and brighter moments. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts about Lola. Wishing you strength and comfort during this tough time.
